Grown Up Gossip & Internet Villainy
We don’t want to tell you exactly what the video after the jump is, but rest assured it’s mind-bogglingly amazing.
In fact, let’s play a game. Try to see how long you can remain straight-faced while watching it. We managed to last for 55 seconds before involuntarily giggling. Can you do better? Doubtful. Like we’ve said, the video you’re about to watch is godlike. Godlike. And even better if you’re a fan of Stanley Kubrick.
It’s after the jump, obviously. And sound would help…
You don’t need to be told that Denmark is weird – a country capable of producing Sandi Toksvig and Lego is certainly a country that shouldn’t be messed with.
But if you ask us, the new adverts for the Denmark Tourist Board have proved the country’s weirdness for good. California has Arnie and Rob Lowe, New Zealand has those awful British people repeating the word ‘amazing’ again and again to the sound of Forever Young and Denmark has, well, this. Consider us troubled.
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Joaquin Phoenix, we knew you wouldn’t let us down. Some may have dismissed your new rap career as a joke, but not us.
We know exactly what you’re capable of, and your debut show on Friday night in Las Vegas did us proud. But then again, Joaquin Phoenix rapping onstage after a career tutorial by Diddy couldn’t really be anything other than spectacular.
And the result – a bearded man shouting incomprehensible rubbish like a homeless tramp screaming at his own reflection and then falling off the stage – was the dictionary definition of spectacular. Joaquin Phoenix, you’re our hero. Video? Yes, there’s video.
If you ask us, nothing says happy new year like an aggressive ginger midget bellowing about genitals on the news.
So thank heavens for Kathy Griffin. Because only Kathy Griffin realised that her job co-hosting the live New Year’s countdown on CNN would give her the perfect opportunity to scream abusive penis-related epithets at random strangers in front of millions of people.
If you watched CNN on New Year’s Eve, you’ll know all about Kathy Griffin’s little outburst. But if you made the mistake of not spending your New Year’s Eve sitting at home glumly watching the news, we have the video.
You know, just the other day we decided that there weren’t enough videos of cats on the internet. And then this came along.
“Finally,” we thought, “a video of a cat doing something useful.” Because, seriously, a cat dragging dead birds all across your carpet is one thing. A cat attacking your printer with its paws is another thing. But a cat that dances to what appears to be disco funk while grabbing at its genitals with the rhythm and grace of a young Lionel Blair? That’s next-level cattery.
When Joaquin Phoenix announced his retirement from acting, we have a hunch that he expected wailing, anguish and possibly a national day of mourning.
That’s not exactly what happened, though. Instead, what Joaquin Phoenix got was one slightly incredulous man in a suit who quickly collapsed into slightly unprofessional fits of helpless giggles upon hearing the news. And, as we all know, since Joaquin Phoenix has never done a single humorous thing in his entire life, the news didn’t go down particularly well.
We’ve got the incredible video footage of Joaquin Phoenix announcing his retirement from acting to the world’s least caring man after the jump. It’s funny, but be warned – if the apathetic reaction causes Joaquin Phoenix to reverse his decision and sign up for a sequel to The Village, we’re going to hunt that giggling man down like a dog.
As we all know, there’s only room for one gormless-looking, vaguely past-it American blonde dimwit in the world of pop at a time.
And, as we speak, that gormless-looking, vaguely past-it American blonde dimwit happens to be Britney Spears, with her shiny hair and lovely big desperate-looking eyes. That’s not great news for Christina Aguilera, who also happens to be a gormless-looking, vaguely past-it American blonde dimwit. She’s got a new album coming out soon! Grr!
But Christina Aguilera is nothing if not resourceful, and so to promote her new video Keeps Gettin’ Better she’s decided to become a gormless-looking, vaguely past-it American purple-haired dimwit instead. That’s fiendishly clever of Christina Aguilera – so fiendishly clever that it almost made us forget that the song is dreadful. Almost. Video after the jump.
Oooookay, then.
You know what Disturbing Friday Fun is by now – an occasional end-of-week feature in which we present you with something alarming, unusual or downright baffling from some random corner of the interweb. And you’ll probably also be aware that we usually like to ease you in with a explanatory couple of paragraphs. Just, y’know, to set the scene.
This week? We don’t know what to say. Seriously, people … we’ve got nothing. Other than to say this is the oddest thing we have ever linked to. Ever.
Just watch.
As we all know, Ringo Starr has too much to do these days to justify pointless crap like being nice to his own fans.
However, some crazy old idiots got upset at Ringo Starr’s recent request for his fans to stop sending him stuff, so he’s decided to clarify his confusing little outburst. You see, Ringo Starr only wants you to stop sending him stuff because it hurts the environment and objects he signs only end up being hawked on eBay anyway.
Ringo’s quick decision to clear up the mess he made should be applauded – now we know that he doesn’t hate his fans, just the fans who like buying his autographs on the internet. And now we can also be sure that it really was Ringo Starr in that video earlier this week, rather than the melted underpowered robot of a kestrel in sunglasses that we assumed we were watching.
Ringo Starr feels the music. It flows through him like water over the Canadian side of the jagged Niagara Falls. Also it flows through him just like it did through that kid in August Rush.
Ringo is a translator, reaching up into the heavens, jotting what he finds there for all of humanity to hear. His mind is a seed from which entire musical forests spring forth. He possibly has the most vital job that has ever been.
That’s why it’s essential that everyone finally leave him alone once and for all, and for Pete’s sake stop sending him stamped envelopes pleading for things like autographs and 40-year-old rusty Beatles memorabilia. He’s far too busy to respond, he’s fed up.
He’s basically said as much on a new video his website is hosting. No really, he has.
