Think about Will Smith in your piddling mind. Go on. Try. What are you thinking? That he seems like an inoffensively nice bloke. The kind of chap you could take home to mama and everything would be AOK?

WRONG! JESUS CHRIST, WHAT’S WRONG WITH YOU? THE MAN IS CLEARLY A MONSTER!

How so? Well, you may have seen recently, that the cast of the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air go back together for a nice reunion. One person wasn’t there. That person is Janet Hubert and she wants you all to know the truth about Will Smith and what a massive jerk he is. Honest. He’s nearly as bad as Lucifer himself. No, it’s nothing to do with his pop-rap career which blossomed with a WIKKIWILDWILDWEST.

Janet played the original Vivian Banks in the Fresh Prince, before getting fired for getting pregnant. Great work patriarchy. She spat to coffin chasers TMZ:

“There will never be a reunion as I will never do anything with an asshole like Will Smith.”

“He is still an egomaniac and has not grown up.”

It seems that former co-stars Tatyana Ali, Karyn Parsons, Alfonso Riberio and James Avery don’t think Will Smith is a massive demonic bozo. And who are we to believe? James Avery isn’t only Dad Phil in Fresh Prince, but he’s also the voice of Shredder in the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles cartoon.

Surely we all side with him?

Either was, Hubert still blames Smith for her 1993 mid-series departure from the show.

“This constant reunion will never ever happen in my lifetime unless there is an apology. He doesn’t know the word.”

Smith has before spoken about all this, once saying:

“She’s mad now but she’s been mad all along. She said once, ‘I’ve been in the business for 10 years and this snotty-nosed punk comes along and gets a show.’ No matter what, to her I’m just the AntiChrist.”

So there you have it. Will Smith. As evil as a box of goat hooves.

The Fresh Prince of Bel Air was the platform that launched Will Smith’s career and introduced an entire generation to the high-top fade and the fashion miracle that is a blazer that’s been turned inside out.

The show ended 15 years ago (and has subsequently been repeated more times than Friends) but one of the shows former stars, Tatyana Ali, who played Will’s cousin Ashley Banks, has confirmed that the original cast are in talks about doing a reunion.

We can’t help but wonder which Aunt Viv they’ll bring back though.

Now that everyone is a bit older, the classic opening title sequence might not seem as relevant, so we here at hecklerspray have taken it upon ourselves to pen a new set of lyrics to the Fresh Prince theme.

Now this is a story all about how,
Will Smith’s movie career turned upside down,
And I’d like to take a minute, just sit right there,
We’ll use a cheap joke to tell you how he’s returning to Bel-Air.

In West Philadelphia born and raised,
In films like Ali was where Will spent most of his days,
Commanding massive box office, relaxing all cool,
Getting nominated for Oscars, he wasn’t no fool.

Then a couple of guys, thought it’d be a stitch,
To cast Big Willy in Hancock and Hitch,
The films bombed hard and his agent got scared,
And said, “we’re going to have to bring back the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air.”

The whole gang is back, despite all our fears,
That this is just an attempt to save their flagging careers,
If anything we think it just isn’t fair,
To ruin the memory of the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air.

So pull up a chair, sit back and await,
For middle aged Will to shout, “Yo Homes, Smell ya later!”
Will Smith’s about to learn, to his despair,
That he will never escape the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air.

At least it’s better than the Wild Wild West theme.

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You have to sympathise with Will Smith – the man has had a rough time recently, having to deal with a constant barrage of claims that he’s an evil Scientologist from the planet Zod, or wherever it is they come from.

Yes, the Fresh Prince has taken most of his time in-between promoting Hancock defending himself from rabid media types hurling these accusations at him.

We at hecklerspray feel very sorry for Will, so we’re starting a ‘Help Will Smith Fund’ where we will collect aluminium cans and sell them at local scrap yards to raise funds to help young Willy defend himself…

What’s that? He earned how much?! Oh. Well sod him then.

Yes, poor old Will will have to console himself with the fact that he’s only managed to be the highest earning Hollywood type of the last year, bringing home around $80 million clams (around 40 million British clams) for Jada Pinkett and the rest of the family. It will be hard, we’re sure, but there is light at the end of the tunnel.

Light made out of money, most likely. In a tunnel forged from gold-laced platinum.

We’re not ones to be jealous, nor are we ones to judge – much – but in this case we’re jealous and we may just have to judge ol’ big Willie. It is interesting to see that his alleged affiliations with Scientology haven’t harmed his career in any way – the box office performance of Hancock is testament to that. Even ignoring the huge success of the man and his movies, the performance of Hancock has even gone so far as to be record-breaking – Smitty has managed eight movies in a row grossing more than $100,000,000. That’s one hundred million dollars. More than. Eight times. In a row.

Crikey.

So really – what does Will Smith have to do to fail? What cock up does he have to make before people decide they don’t like him any more? He’s tried bankruptcy, berating an old woman’s driving ability, a failed marriage, cussing Eminem, Men In Black II and possibly being one of those crazy Scientology types, and nothing has made the ever-hating public dislike him. In any way. Ever.

Maybe his constant appearances at the top of rich lists will change all this? Maybe not. Hecklerspray has bore witness to many popular celebrities over the years that have achieved something of a massive fall from grace, normally due to them earning vast amounts of money. Case in point – will anyone openly admit to liking Mike Myers (also in the top five rich list) any more? Thought not. Go back to the early/mid nineties and he was much-loved. This scientific theory doesn’t seem to apply to Will Smith though, and frankly it’s hurting our giant mind.

Maybe it’ll have to be something drastic, like threatening his mum and sister (allegedly), or… errm… getting pregnant underage…

Wow – this horse really is easy to flog when it’s dead!