Katamari Damacy is great, and so are side-scrolling shooters.

So what happens when you combine the two? TUMIKI Fighters, that’s what.

You shoot things, they die, you try and catch destroyed enemies as they plummet off the screen, you get bigger, it’s fun. That’s about all the explanation we can offer, so instead – as a special treat – here’s a video of it with some excellent music:

Get It Here:

TUMIKI Fighters

It’s nice to find a free game that craps all over many of those commercially available.

While Masq may not be one of the best lookers out there – though it is home to a distinctive style – it manages to captivate in the small doses it offers with some fine, branching storylines and a level of freedom most games can only ever dream of.

In fact, the best way to put it is exactly how PC Gamer said it:

The Deus Ex of comic-strip soap operas. Get shot, divorced, incarcerated, all three, and more.

And that’s bloody high praise. A great timewaster and fantastic game in its own right.

Play Masq Here:

Masq

Being a bodyguard is one of those jobs that would be – as those kids tend to say – ‘awesome’.

It’s just a shame that you’d probably end up getting shot and killed. But wait! For you – yes you – can still be a bodyguard without having to put your actual, real life on the line! Plus you won’t have to get embarrassed should you decide to do a runner instead of looking after your VIP.

How? By playing Black Shades, the bodyguard game.

You are a bodyguard and you have to protect your VIP, playing about in an infinitely generated city full of blocky little people, half of which seemingly want to shoot the man in white you’re looking after. Kill them, disarm them, knock your VIP out of the way – you decide how to deal with the attacker.

It looks shonky but it still plays really well, and is oddly compulsive – as with a lot of freebies. It is a download, mind, and not a browser-based timewaster, but it’s well worth the 1MB file size.

Download Black Shades Here:

Black Shades

Having a strong memory is one of the most worthwhile assets in a person’s life.

It means they can remember… things… about stuff. And not… forget them.

Anyway – Basho Kioku is a simple memory game that is sure to test your ability to the fullest. Simply click on a square – that’s a level done. Repeat until the end. That’s it. Oh, but if you happen to click on a square you’ve already tagged before then you lose a life.

It starts out simple but soon gets that grey matter working, we can tell you that for a fact. It also manages to be as captivating as it is frustrating, so try not to play it for too long when you should be working. ‘Just one more go’ syndrome has been known to kick in often with Basho Kioku.

Play It Here:

Basho Kioku

Tremors was excellent – everyone knows that.

As was Dune – well, the game at least. Well, Dune II at any rate. Basically, things with giant subterranean worms in them are great, though usually because you get to see Kevin Bacon stoving their heads in over a couple of hours.

But what would it be like to actually be one of these underground annelids? Death Worm aims to answer that question, along with ones like ‘how many camels could I eat in one jump if I were one of these worms?’ and ‘how much forward momentum is necessary to eat that stupid bird flying around up there?’ or the ever-popular ‘could I really take down that helicopter?’

Yes, you get to be a giant worm. You get to scramble around underground and fly out of the surface, eating those overland-dwelling scummers that we all hate so much. Do enough damage, armed enemies come along. Survive, eat, throw yourself in the air using your momentum – it’s all fantastic fun and well worth wasting some time on.

The game can be played online or can be downloaded to play it later if you like.

Play Death Worm Here:
Death Worm

Sorry kids, we’ve opted out of a browser-based time waster here. But when it’s this good, who cares?

Yes, Mu-Cade. Incredible. It’s a 6MB download and you need a PC built within the last 30 years to be able to play it – just a warning. So what is it? What do you do? Let’s have a look at the documentation on the game’s official website:

The Physics Centipede Invasion

Smashup waggly shmup, ‘Mu-Cade’

It really doesn’t get much better than that. But how to play? Look:

Keep your ship from falling down and push enemies out of the way.

Simply stunning. It’s actually fun, too, which is something of a bonus.

PLAY IT NOW (well, download it now):
Mu-Cade

So here’s the final SLACKERJACK entry of my brief tenure at the top, and by golly is it a doozy.

Warning Forever is another download-and-install jobby for you technophobes to be afraid of, but it’s yet another one in the list of ‘jesus H everything this is bloody brilliant’. One of the most addictive experiences you’re ever likely to encounter, this is pure, all-out scorewhore fun.

But how to describe the game? Detail? Subtle intonations covering the many facets of the design? Nah, we’ll just let the game’s creator speak for himself:

“A shooting game with vertical scroll. In this game there are only you and the boss ship. The more you beat a boss, the more next boss becomes strong. You have 180 seconds in first time, and it decreases. Time will increase, if a boss is beaten, and if you die, it will more decrease. Beat more bosses, before time is lost.”

Now, not to sound like a patronising twathole – but isn’t that the cutest description you’ve ever read? And it should make you immediately visit the site, download the game and get hopelessly, thoroughly, completely and totally addicted.

There are hidden depths to the game too, with secret powers sitting alongside special methods to play through more successfully – note: not methods to help you finish the game, as you can’t actually do that. It just goes on, and on, and on. But that’s one of the things that makes it so great – it’s a pure gamer’s game, one that forces you to challenge and better yourself constantly. It’s just… great.

Let’s not forget that it looks bloody lovely too.

Free games are awesome, and not just limited to flash-based boredom-busters. Don’t forget that when I’m dead* and gone.

*Not dead, just gone.

GET WARNING FOREVER HERE

In a manner not too dissimilar to that of Futurama’s TV chef Elzar, we’re going to take it up a notch here: BAM!

The world of free games just welcomed a new son into its midst, one full of psychics, violence, a crap story and some of the best pure fun you can have in a game – Psi Ops is being given away for free. This, friends, is a wonderful thing.

The game only came out a few years ago, so as well as a fairly hefty download size, you’re also looking at system requirements that not everyone can hack – though if you bought your PC within the last Ice Age you should be fine to set off on your merry Mindgate Conspiracy way.

There’s a story behind the game, but it’s sub-80s action flick shit. There’s a game to follow, but it’s pretty basic. The meat comes in the shape of the psychic powers that let you pick things up and throw them around, with your brain. A fire extinguisher? Done. A barrel? Done. A man? Done. Throw shit everywhere, use paving slabs to air-surf, throw people at walls for a laugh – this game covers all your most devilish ‘I wish I had psychic powers’ fantasies.

Did we mention you can blow heads up too? With the power of your mind? No? Oh. Well you can. And if you don’t laugh at that then you’re an idiot.

For what it was at the time, Psi Ops was worth picking up on the cheap for some decent laughs. When it gets released for free (even if it is ‘ad supported’) it’s near-essential. A fantastic game to unwind to, infinitely cathartic and criminally overlooked back in the day.

Point your web navigation mega-systems here.

How’s about something a bit different for today’s SLACKERJACK?

So, you’ll need to actually download something (a fair bit, actually), install it and spend more than four minutes playing it, but… well… it’s Command and Conquer, for free, so shut up.

The original from the multi-million selling series, released about a billion years ago and home to some wonderful video of hammy acting (hence the large file size), Command and Conquer essentially made real-time strategy games what they are today.

It wasn’t the first and it isn’t the best, but it’s damn good fun and how many times does EA give away their classic titles for free? Increasingly often, you say? Well, yes. But still.

You take control of the do-gooders at GDI with their overpowering might or the sly baddies of NOD with their weaker, stealthier units. It’s a simple balance but it works.

Numerous units are available – tanks, men with guns, men with bigger guns, bigger tanks, flying things, huge lasers from the sky, nukes and so on and so forth. You use these weapons to blow ten shades of crap out of your opponent in increasingly difficult levels. And that’s it in a nutshell, really.

The main attraction of the game though (well, aside from the game), is the wonderful full motion video (FMV) sequences between missions, when non-actors take centre stage and inform you of your progress, or how they hate the evil-doers, or how they’re going to blow up the Pentagon to show them there goodies a thing or two about international terrorism.

It’s a nice reminder of a pre-9/11 time when things could be made involving terrorism and didn’t have to include endless moralising, or some self-satisfied Hollywood prick masturbating their holider than thou stance into our faces. The bastards.

And Joe Kucan is excellent as Kane, leader of NOD.

Get it here