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Badvertising: Play Weight Watchers By Blinding & Deafening Yourself

August 7th, 2012 By Michael Park

OI! FATTY! IT’S JANUARY SO YOU’D BEST GET ON THE TREADMILL! Is what I’d be shouting at you if I wasn’t one of you; a Festive over-indulger that left a world of salad and steak for one populated almost exclusively by Toblerone and Terry’s Chocolate Oranges. We’ve all been there and now you’re probably sitting clutching your list of New Year’s Resolutions desperately trying to convince yourself that you’ll achieve all of the things on it.

You won’t.

Why should you? You’re your own person and you don’t need a list of goals to tell you that you should probably crack open a bag of cress every now and then before you start to resemble Michelle MacManus & Rik Waller’s illicit love-child. You don’t even need a list of goals to tell you that it might be time to get yourself on a dating website and meet someone new before you fall into the arms of an ex-lover because you’re horribly lonely.

Tyra Banks Sends Top Model Contestant’s Male Genitals Into A Scissory Abyss

March 24th, 2009 By Shawn Lindseth

What’s nice about America’s Next Top Model is that it takes a young girl who really isn’t good at anything at all, and somehow turns that into a positive.

Throughout a typical season several competing girls learn to take their overall dearth of life-skills and fling them at the camera like a monkey flings fecal matter that’s been picked clean of all its nutritional value. It’s an ode to humanity if you think about it; girls come from nothing, Tyra intervenes, girls receive the potential to make loads of money all over the place by blankly staring into the business end of George Eastman‘s big glass eye.

But what happens if a would-be contestant just has too many penises? Would his bulgy bikini shots be a life-long demerit. Not if Tyra has anything to say about it. Which she does, especially in this case – she’s paying to have one of the show’s contestants get their man-hammer cut off with knives.

Seriously. Sounds like a ratings winner.

Nick Hogan Out Of Jail, Back In The Arms Of His Mannish Family

March 24th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

Good news, fans of exploitative reality TV shows starring box-faced young criminal goons – Nick Hogan has been released from jail!

166 days after he went to prison for crashing his car spectacularly enough to require his friend John Graziano to receive constant medical attention, Hulk Hogan‘s son Nick Hogan has been released from jail. And, with soul-destroying inevitability, Nick Hogan is now thought to want a reality TV show about his life on the outside.

It’d be a good show, though, because Nick Hogan is bound to have been though new experiences during his jail sentence and sharing those experiences will be Nick Hogan’s way of giving something back. The only question is the name of the show – there’s already been a Hogan Knows Best and a Brooke Knows Best so… wait! We’ve got it! How about Nick Hogan Remembers Getting Anally Brutalised By An Arsonist? You know, provided that happened.

Minnie Driver Slaps Her Baby Up On MySpace

March 24th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

Minnie Driver doesn’t know the rules – celebrity babies only exist to supplement their parents’ giant wages via megabucks magazine deals.

But that particular memo doesn’t appear to have reached Minnie Driver, because she’s just done the unthinkable – she’s posted a photo of her new son Henry on MySpace. For free. What a massive idiot.

Doesn’t Minnie Driver know what she’s missing? With all the public interest in her, Minnie Driver could have secured herself a huge cheque for the exclusive rights to those photos instead of spunking them away for free on the internet. She could have bought herself something really nice with that photoshoot money, like a plastic watch or a pair of flipflops or a couple of loaves of bread or something. Tsk.

Get Hectored At By Michael Moore, For Free, Online, Now!

March 25th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

Hey kids, can’t work out if you can be bothered to vote yet? Would a movie about a fat bloke lobbing noodles at some students help? It would?

Why that’s just great, because Michael Moore‘s new movie Slacker Uprising is now available to view for free on the internet, provided that you’re American and literally have nothing better to do with your time.

Slacker Uprising is, of course, Michael Moore’s way of urging the young voters of America to wake up and vote in the coming general election. Well, at least that’s what he says. It’s clearly Michael Moore’s way of urging young voters to vote Democrat, otherwise it wouldn’t be called Slacker Uprising. If he wanted people to vote Republican he would’ve called it something else, like Hey You! Get Off My Yacht! My Father Owns This Bay, You Dirty Mexican!

Watch Michael Moore’s New Film For Free, To Some Extent

March 25th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

Hey you! Do you want to watch an obese millionaire tell you a bunch of stuff you already know in an insultingly patronising way – for free?

You do? Then does Michael Moore have a treat for you! What with this being an election year, it’s Michael Moore’s duty to ram hectoring, boorish, borderline propagandaish political information down everyone’s throats until they literally fart tedium. Only this time, he’s going to do it for free.

Michael Moore has announced that his fans can watch his new movie Slacker Uprising for free on the internet. Provided they do it in a designated three-week window and live in North America, that is. If this doesn’t include you, don’t get upset – you can probably achieve the same effect by going up to a fat tramp and getting him to whine about the government for a couple of hours and then shout at a building through a megaphone.

SLACKERJACK – Naked War

August 22nd, 2008 By Ian Dransfield

When you traipse through the world of free gaming on the internets, you realise some things.

One thing is that people will play anything: penguin launching, paper throwing, dog shuffling.

Another is that the games are generally tripe, only good for a few minutes before you move on.

One other thing is that sometimes you stumble on something that could be – should be – a full, retail release, but is instead free to play. This time it’s Naked War and even ignoring the fact that it’s free to play (you can pay if you want extra privileges) it still manages to be an absolutely stunning game.

SLACKERJACK – Five Minutes to Kill Yourself

August 21st, 2008 By Ian Dransfield

Office work = boring. We all know this, yet loads of us still do it.

But why bother, when you could just kill yourself? Well, maybe that’s a bit far, so instead why not just play the game Five Minutes to Kill Yourself? It manages to tick the right boxes – you work in an office, you’re pissed off, you want to kill yourself. Textbook.

Travelling around the workplace you can talk to people, pick stuff up and interact with objects, all with the goal being to stop yourself from being alive. It’s quite funny, if we do say so ourselves. It’s also very simple and a great timewaster – though only in five minute blocks.

SLACKERJACK – Dad ‘n’ Me

August 20th, 2008 By Ian Dransfield

Bullying is a serious issue, and it’s never funny.

Well, apart from the times when it’s funny. But it’s certainly never fun. Well – again, it is. Sometimes. But still, shut up.

Anyway, it’s more fun now, with Dad ‘n’ Me coming to waste a bit of your day in fine Slackerjack fashion. A scrolling beat ’em up – like the classic Streets of Rage – the game sees you being the school bully, kicking the snot out of kids simply for being there.

SLACKERJACK – Charles Barkley: Shut Up And Jam Gaiden

August 15th, 2008 By Ian Dransfield

There is absolutely no point in writing anything about this game when there is such an incredible synopsis available.

So here it is:

The Great B-Ball Purge of 2041, a day so painful to some that it is referred to only as the “B-Ballnacht”. Thousands upon thousands of the world’s greatest ballers were massacred in a swath of violence and sports bigotry as the game was outlawed worldwide. The reason: the Chaos Dunk, a jam so powerful its mere existence threatens the balance of chaos and order. Among the few ballers and fans that survived the basketball genocide was Charles Barkley, the man capable of performing the “Verboten Jam”…