On Friday’s Big Brother, the impossible happened – the previously invincible Freddie was evicted.

Why? We have two theories. The first is that Marcus is a stronger competitor and the public identifies with him more readily. The second is that everyone saw Freddie scream and wail and convulse last week because Bea moved 10 feet away from him and realised that he was a monumental tosspiece.

Anyway, here are the Big Brother competitors who’ve caught our eye this week – Bea, Lisa and David…

Bea – Bea is undoubtedly the Big Brother housemate who’ll notice Freddie’s absence the most. This is because she’ll be aware that she isn’t constantly being trailed by a screaming raw nerve with red eyes who appears to have learnt how to emotionally respond to various scenarios by watching a mixture of American soap operas and real-life footage of physical torture. So without Freddie around, what will Bea do? Simple – she’s going to hit on Siavash. And then, once he gives into his advances, she’ll spurn him and he’ll cry. It’s good to have a routine to keep to, isn’t it?

Lisa – Another week in the Big Brother house, another eviction that Lisa bewilderingly hasn’t been anywhere near. And for the life of us we can’t understand this. All of the other Big Brother housemates seem certain that Lisa has a gameplan – even though as far as we can see that gameplan appears to involve little more than chainsmoking and speaking with the voice of your dead grandfather – but they never nominate her for eviction. In a sense this is ridiculous. But maybe it’s deliberate – if Lisa isn’t evicted until the final, the sum total of publicity she’ll receive is one truncated post-eviction interview and nothing else. Very clever, other Big Brother housemates. Very clever indeed.

David - Look, we don’t ask much of you people. But can you please let David win Big Brother? We’d be ever so grateful. It’s not so much that David deserves to win Big Brother – or even that he doesn’t deserve to win it least – but if David wins, then he’ll be more likely to get his own TV show. And we know exactly what we want that TV show to be – a half-hour programme called David Off Big Brother Talks About Things. It’d just be David in a room on his own with a small bag filled with bits of paper with various issues – homelessness, love, religion, that sort of thing – and at the start of each episode he’d pull out one piece of paper and talk about it for 30 minutes. What’d be good about it is that after 10 minutes or so David would run out of things to say, and then he’d just sit around looking confused for the remainder of the time. And maybe he’ll cry. It’d be excellent. MAKE IT SO, READERS!

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As far as Big Brother goes, tomorrow is going to be a huge day – it’s the first real Big Brother eviction of the year.

And you know what that means? It means that there’s only going to be another seven evictions, then the introduction of four more housemates, then another six evictions, then some more introductions, then some evictions, then a re-introduction, then some more evictions and Big Brother will all be over! Hooray!

Anyway, this week’s Big Brother eviction is between Sophia and Freddie, also known as Halfwit. Who’ll go? Let’s find out…

Halfwit – We know this isn’t going to be a popular thing to say, but we’ve actually developed quite the soft spot for young Halfwit over the short amount of time that Big Brother has been on air. For the first time in years, Big Brother has found a genuinely unpredictable housemate. Not in the tiresome ‘Gor, look at me! I’m being deliberately eccentric!’ way that propelled Crazy Pete to victory all those years ago, but more in the sense that you literally can’t ever guess what he’s about to do. Tuesday’s Big Brother, for example, was a masterclass in guile-free cluelessness – first Halfwit gave a lecture about how he’s an anarchist (just one who’s really, really structured in everything he does); then he cooked a salad using the all the eggs in the house and people got angry and he had to hug someone because he was sad; then he decided to put everything right by performing an Italian aria for everyone, followed by an encore of Summertime that was seemingly inspired by the dying yelps of a homeless man. If Halfwit gets evicted from Big Brother tomorrow, and we don’t say this with any exaggeration, it’ll be the worst thing that’s ever happened to mankind.

Sophia - Similarly, Sophia must leave Big Brother on Friday. She just must. For starters, there’s already a Sophie, a Sophia and a Saffia in the Big Brother house this year, which just seems like shoddy planning on the part of the producers. And then there’s Sophia’s mood-swings, which caused her to lurch from ecstatic euphoria to frightening anger within the space of about three seconds earlier this week. In fact, given the way Sophia’s outburst was treated in the televised broadcast, it seems as if she’s the first disabled Big Brother housemate in about five years who we’ve actively been encouraged to dislike. And we’re all for being discouraged to dislike people. So, yes, her out please.

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First the facts. This is Big Brother’s tenth anniversary, and the fifth anniversary of us writing about it. We don’t know which is worse.

Nevertheless, the new series of Big Brother kicked off last night, which means that from now until let’s say the end of actual time itself, we’re going to have to watch hour after of hour of preening turdbaskets discussing nothing using a subnormal vocabulary. And we’ll be with you every ghastly step of the way.

But first we should probably introduce ourselves to the newest batch of Big Brother housemates, shouldn’t we? Fair enough, then…

GIRLS:

Norin, 25. SHE’S THE: Awful snob. Norin’s entire Big Brother entry tape consisted of her describing exactly how brilliant she is. She’s deeply religious, although she doesn’t care about anyone, her first word spoken inside the house was “fuck” and she recently showed an entire nightclub what her minge looks like, probably on purpose. Booed ridiculously on the way into the Big Brother house, but then redeemed herself later by letting a fey Brazilian man shave her eyebrows off. This also means that she’s a genuine Big Brother housemate now. Yes, it’s going to be that kind of series.

Beinazir, 28. SHE’S THE: Deliberately-polarising asylum seeker. Beinazir, by her own admission, is like a man. Her family escaped from a dictator when she was a child, something which much have been terrifying for her because it seems to have left her with the voice of a very old man. What will Beinazir do in the Big Brother house? Here’s our guess – nothing at all.

Sophie, 20. SHE’S THE: One who will have probably already got naked by the time you’ve read this. Honestly, Sophie is a smile and a pair of tits and nothing else whatsoever. On the way into the Big Brother house she complained that her hair looked quite flat. This is possibly the deepest thing that Sophie has ever done in her entire life.

Angel, 35. SHE’S THE: One with the ironic name. Apparently Angel is a professional boxer. We’re only guessing at that, though, because during her Big Brother entry tape she spoke in a genuinely incomprehensible Russian accent. If that wasn’t bad enough, she entered the Big Brother house in show motion dressed as a Victorian mime artist, almost as if she was deliberately trying to annoy the crowd. Angel won a Best Newcomer award at a 1992 Russian music ceremony, which ironically makes her more famous than the entire last series of Celebrity Big Brother combined. Given the choice, she’s like to be stuck in a lift with John Lennon, which is stupid. He’d stink the place out, wouldn’t he?

Lisa, 41. SHE’S THE: Lesbian. Honestly, she’s like a Daily Mail cartoon of a lesbian. Mohican, tattooed scalp, pierced nose. Remember Tracy from a couple years ago? Of course you don’t – and if you do, you should be ashamed. Anyway, Lisa’s just like her, but she also wears rubber pants. Has Big Brother ever had an incontinent lesbian punk before?

Sophia, 26. SHE’S THE: Slightly disabled one. Unbearably happy all the time, Sophie is a) a Lupus sufferer and b) a proper midget. It’s early days, but it seems as though Sophie speaks exclusively in a series of piercing hysterical squeaks. She also says she hates WAGS, something which she’ll probably never actually vocalise inside the Big Brother house because she’ll be too busy squeaking like a guinea pig in a tumble drier. Sophia wears boots that make her look like an Ewok. Sophia will probably end up winning Big Brother.

Karly, 21. SHE’S THE: One who’ll end up having a breakdown because Sophie’s got bigger boobs than her. An FHM High Street Honey, Karly possesses the ability to change her hair colour instantly with the power of her mind alone. She’s essentially a WAG in the making, so if you play in a Sunday league pub team somewhere, your luck’s probably in.

Saffia, 27. SHE’S THE: Woman most like Noel Edmonds. This is for the following reasons: 1) Saffia indulges in cosmic ordering from time to time, 2) Saffia has a love life that’s ragged and messy, 3) Saffia would consider lesbianism, 4) Saffia entered the Big Brother house in an outfit made from Mr Blobby‘s hide, 5) Saffia seems a bit like a wanker.

BOYS:

Rodrigo, 23. HE’S THE: Eccentric, possibly bisexual, foreigner. Another little ray of sunshine, Rodrigo is Brazilian but loves Britain. He apparently goes to church every day, presumably because he wishes he could sleep with LaToya Jackson and that’s obviously a deep sin to carry with him. If Kenneth from 30 Rock was Brazilian, he’d be Rodrigo. Rodrigo is only one of two legitimate housemates so far this year, because he shaved a girl’s eyebrows off. So yay for him.

Freddie, 23. HE’S THE: Young Conservative who lives in a stately home and yet still expects people to like him. Freddie often wears a genuinely awful hat, and believes in anarchy – presumably the sort of anarchy that’ll let him keep his bloody lake and sodding reggae-influenced indie music. Booed ferociously on the way into the Big Brother house.

Charlie, 22: HE’S THE: Lovely gay one. In his Big Brother audition, Charlie referred to his penis as his ‘nasty bone’, which is mildly discomforting. Other than that, there’s not a lot to say about Charlie. However, despite being a former Mr Gay UK, Charlie is also from Newcastle – which means that he sounds like Jimmy Nail and everything he says, no matter how innocent, sounds like a precursor to a violent bottle fight.

Kris, 24: HE’S THE: Bellend. Why is Kris a bellend? Because of his stupid Alex Zane haircut? Because he wears women’s T-shirts? Because, as a visual merchandiser, he has a job that doesn’t really exist? Because he has a much, much higher estimation of himself that he really deserves to, despite giving the impression that he’s never even so much as kissed a girl? Yes. The answer to all of these, damnit, is yes.

Siavash, 23. HE’S THE: Sponging, tiny-penised bastard. Is Siavash a stylist? An event organiser? Who knows? All we do know is that Siavash looks a bit like what Jesus would look like if Gok Wan was a Biblical disciple, and that – in true Big Brother fashion – he has a disproportionately high opinion of himself. We’re not sure how Siavash will fare within the Big Brother house, but judging by his hair, beard, wardrobe and generally overbearing smug hipster attitude, he’s essentially a distillation of everything crap about London.

Sree, 25. HE’S THE: Virgin. Sree is Indian, a Hindu, and appears to be comically straightlaced. Will Big Brother lead Sree astray? Hopefully not, because Sree seems to be a bit teddy-bearish and lovely. But hopefully yes, because Big Brother is only really any good when it’s actively destroying the lives of others, isn’t it?

Cairon, 18. HE’S THE: New Spiral. Cairon speaks with an American accent, just like that albino bloke who had the shuddering meltdown last year. Apparently Cairon wants to be a rapper – not because he’s talented or anything, but because he’s DEFINITELY NOT GAY. He’s so straight he feels weird even wiping his own bottom. Despite this, he seems like a polite young man. Historically, this means won’t say a single word until he’s booted out of Big Brother a month in.

Marcus, 35. HE’S THE: Bizarre, antisocial polymath. Marcus loves comic books so much that he’s grown a ridiculous set of Wolverine sideburns. And he’s got a giant ponytail. And he wears a vest. And, judging by his Big Brother entrance, people seem to love him. One to watch, maybe. But only out of professional obligation, you understand. We wouldn’t willingly watch Big Brother. God, no.

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