Well all know that Kim Kardashian is the very pinnacle of media whoredom, leapfrogging other visionaries as Paris Hilton, Tulisa Contostavlos and the rest of the Kardashian sisters, to the crown of Most Annoying Slag 2012. And we all know why, because she wants to show everything that happens through the medium of television, even though her television shows are so tucked and trimmed that if they were pies, they would be the most disgusting tasting pies ever. Though they would look great.
But what happens when TV turns against her? We’ve seen public opinion of the Kardashian Klan flip recently with claims of her marriage being a sham; even her soon to be ex-husband is throwing some fuel onto the hair extension, Sketchers-advertising fire, with news reaching us that he wants to show the divorce trial ON TV.
In a move that will take the Kardashian/Humphries debacle into a whole new universe of meta-awareness, we’ll be watching them divorce live on TV! Which is very Matrix isn’t it?
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Lady Gaga has been praised for raising awareness for relief efforts in sorting Japan out after the dreadful tsunami that struck the country down. However, like the world’s most weirdly dressed graverobber, she’s been accused of pocketing a load of money that should’ve gone to blighted country.
Less Bad Romance and more bad finance. Sorry. That’s easily the worst joke we’ve ever written.
Anyway, there’s some federal class action lawsuiting going on which is pointing at Gaga and saying that she’s jacked up the shipping costs on the “We Pray for Japan” wristbands she was flogging and keeping a portion of the profits herself, despite saying that all proceeds would go to directly to relief efforts. In fairness, she has a very expensive wardrobe to pay for. Surely Japan doesn’t mind?
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In a move that isn’t designed in any shape or form to milk Michael Jackson fans dry, it had been planned by the Jackson estate to release an album full of unreleased material. Looking at our calendars it seems a slight convenience that Christmas is around the corner. Imagine the surprise on little Jimmy’s face as he tears off the wrapping paper and can celebrate Jesus’ birthday listening to a collection of new poptastic hits by his favourite dead pop star.
To Michael Jackson fans who constantly crave anything related to the singer, the possible release of a new album would most certainly result in bottles of Jesus Juice being uncorked.
However, despite their wackiness, they aren’t stupid enough to know that Joe Jackson has been whipping his corpse to force Michael to record a brand new album, recorded six feet under. The tracks are all “unreleased”, or in real terms. “Songs that didn’t make the cut from albums at the time because they were so awful that they weren’t even good enough, even for Janet Jackson.” Read More >>>
If any of you happen to be offered a suspiciously cheap piece of Catholic property by a man with a funny accent, don’t hesitate to buy it.
Seriously, buy it. It’s definitely legit. The only funny-accented man to ever defraud strangers with dodgy property deals spuriously linked to the Catholic church – Anne Hathaway‘s ex-boyfriend Raffaello Follieri – has just been thrown in jail for four and a half years.
This is wonderful news for two reasons. Not only is Raffaello Follieri being punished for his crimes, but we all know that nature hates a vacuum. All we need to do is buy a phony bishop outfit, adopt a ludicrous continental European accent and con some idiots out of millions of dollars and we’re almost completely certain that we’ll have Anne Hathaway licking the side of our face by Halloween.
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No matter how bad things get, you can always make them better with a song – unless you’re on trial in court, because that would just be stupid.
Try telling that to DMX, though. He’s currently up to his eyeballs in trouble – for just about every illegal activity that a human being is capable of committing – but he still had time to lighten the mood outside court yesterday with an inspirational freestyle that we think was possibly about being a good person.
True, bellowing “stand for something or fall for everything!” at some bewildered reporters to the rhythm of some sort of weird internal metronome might not seem like the best way for DMX to solve his problems, but at least it’s a step up from his usual rapping style, which tends to involve screaming “I smell pussy!” at the top of his voice and then barking like a dog for an hour.
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One of these days, we swear to god, DMX is going to do something within the confines of the law – and that’ll be a story.
But until then DMX will just keep blundering through life breaking laws and getting arrested with such dizzying frequency that all the different arrests just sort of blur into one giant meta-arrest that’ll one day take on a life of its own and destroy gravity or something. Which is what happened to DMX this weekend, more or less.
Surprise surprise, DMX has been arrested again. This time, however, is special. This time DMX was arrested for using a fake name and social security number to avoid paying a hospital bill. Just one more arrest this year and DMX will have scored himself the title of Most Pointlessly Illegal Rapper Alive. Eat it, Busta Rhymes!
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The world may go through some difficult changes in the next 25 years, but at least Lou Pearlman won’t give us any more crappy boybands.
That’s because Lou Pearlman has just been sentenced to 25 years in jail after being found guilty of conspiracy, money laundering and various other dodgy white-collar crap. Ironically, though, Lou Pearlman only got six months in jail for committing those crimes – the other 24.5 years were a punishment for inventing ‘N Sync.
Oh, we’re just kidding. Being the mastermind behind the Backstreet Boys and ‘N Sync didn’t affect Lou Pearlman’s sentence at all. He got given such a long sentence because he’s fat and creepy-looking. And you’re next, Santa!
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When N'Sync and the Backstreet Boys were but wee lads, Lou Pearlman decided to buy them for pennies on the dollar. After his purchase he thought it might be financially wise if he turned them all into a super awesome street dancing crew or something.
The young tots grasped dance so quickly he decided to make them sing too – a wise move. At their highest, N'Sync alone was trading for over thirteen dollars a share on the NASDAQ.
Pearlman's financial windfall made him both rich and wealthy and well-to-do. Also he got very fat and then he turned evil. That's why when he grew bored of making young boys dance he turned to ponzi schemes to bilk people out of millions of dollars.
And now it seems he might go to prison for it.
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