Remember Fraggle Rock? Do you? Oooooh! Yes! There was… uh… Wembley. Red. The one in the dressing gown. Um. Those little fellas who had scaffolding made from sugar or something. And then there was the giant lummox with the allotment. And… er… Marjory the Trash Heap.

Oh, and if you watched it in the UK, there was that weirdo who lived in a lighthouse with his jaded canine.

What memories. What fuzzy, vague memories often brought about by the singing of the theme tune, especially when the lyrics were made dirty, swinging a Fraggle by its cock. Salad days. Salad days which could well be utterly ruined by the inclusion of the Scissor Sisters. What now?

That’s right! There’s going to be a feature length film of The Fraggles, which saves us from yet another hokey Muppets flick where Kermit has to do all the emoting with that sad, pathetic face of his.

It’ll be interesting to see how The Fraggles translate to the big screen. We can only imagine that they’ll escape their cave to see the outside world and generally get into scrapes as well as puzzling at the duality of the human condition… or something. Uncle Travelling Matt will probably give them good restaurant tips wherever they end up.

But no-one will be able to save the Fraggles, and us, from a musical nightmare as it has been reported that Jake Shears from the Scissor Sisters is writing the music for the movie.

That’s the man who rhymed ‘fire’ with ‘fire’, before adding fire’s best musical friend, ‘desire’. Blecch.

Personally, we don’t know why the Fraggles didn’t write their own music. They don’t need the stupid Scissor Sisters. Jake Shears never wrote a song as good as the theme tune (or the brilliant Webba Webba, which you can search for yourself on YouTube).

Sigh.

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With the frenzied success of Speed Racer ringing in Hollywood’s ears, producers have been looking for another nostalgic TV show to adapt into a movie.

What’s that? Speed Racer wasn’t a frenzied success? Speed Racer has actually been one of the most spectacularly unmitigated disasters in recent box office years? Oh well, The Weinstein Co. wants to make a movie based on Fraggle Rock anyway.

Yes, you heard right – Fraggle Rock, the TV show that defined your childhood almost as much as wetting the bed and the emotional scars gained during your parent’s bitter divorce, is going to be turned into a movie. But not just any kind of movie - Fraggle Rock is going to become a musical, which is like a normal movie, except it’s for pricks.

Quickly, think of a TV show you enjoyed as a child. Easy, huh? Now think of a TV show you enjoyed as a child that hasn’t been turned into a memory-destroying shithawk Hollywood movie by a turd of a studio executive hell-bent on getting rich from raping your childhood. That’s a little more tricky, isn’t it.

We’re thinking of Transformers primarily here, but not much else is safe. There’s going to be a Voltron movie. There’s apparently going to be a He-Man movie. And a Thundercats movie. And a GI Joe movie. And a Tintin movie. And now, inevitably, a Fraggle Rock movie as well.

It’s been announced that The Weinstein Co. – responsible for gems like Factory Girl, Hannibal Rising and Who’s Your Caddy? – is going to make a live action musical out of Fraggle Rock, the story of some hippy puppets that live underground, eat scaffolding made from radish and occasionally talk to a compost heap.

It had quite a good theme tune, containing several words that you could change to ‘cock’ if you were six years old. Variety reports:

The Weinstein Co. will turn the Jim Henson series “Fraggle Rock” into a live-action musical feature. Cory Edwards, who directed the animated “Hoodwinked!” for TWC, will helm the picture and write the screenplay. The Jim Henson Co. will produce and TWC will distribute. Pic will take the core characters Gogo, Wembley, Mokey, Boober and Red outside of their home in Fraggle Rock, where they interact with humans, which they think are aliens.

So, basically, the Fraggle Rock movie will be the same as a regular episode of Fraggle Rock, except it’ll be three times longer, set in an awkwardly unfamiliar location, directed by the man who made the creepy Little Red Riding Hood movie that looked like it was put together with a badly-wired Amiga 500, and will have to grind to a halt every three or four minutes so that we can listen to some puppets singing a song about how everyone is special. We can’t see how it can fail.

But at least this Fraggle Rock movie marks the very last TV show from our childhood to be cynically turned into a nostalgia-gorging movie.

There’s nothing else to remake after that. Well, apart from Bodger And Badger – and whoever owns the rights to that is going to be a very rich man when Michael Bay comes knocking with his plans to turn Badger into a firebreathing robot from the future.

Read more:

Weinsteins roll with ‘Fraggle Rock’ – Variety