Dunderheaded, probably passed off as post-modernist satire, Duke Nukem is coming back in a bevvy of boobs, stupid weapons, grating asides and dreadful metal bands. Of course, those onside adore him. Everyone wonders why people still play first-person shooters.

Either way, there’s a fizzing excitement in the gaming world as Duke Nukem Forever looms. It is getting an international release from June 10th onward across everything apart from the Wii.

And now, there’s a pissing trailer which features lesbian schoolgirls, aliens, pole dancers, daft weapons and Duke’s infamous all-action hero voice. Basically, he’s the man Jason Statham has based his whole career on. Which is a terrifying prospect.

Duke Nukem has come a long, long way since he first stepped out back in ’91, but the ethos remains – blow stuff up, punch all the blood out of baddies and watch naked women wriggle around while muttering grunty asides.

And of course, the aliens are invading again and, naturally, there’s only Duke can save us.

Aside from the array of OTT weapons and shrink-rays, Duke will be shooting hoops, working on his guns and reading bongo mags and all that stuff that you’ll be invariably passing off as being tongue-in-cheek.

You don’t what we have to say, so here’s the trailer which everyone is getting in a twist about.

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Do you like running around firing off endless rounds of deadly ammo in Arctic tundras, desolate landscapes, hugely lethal alien jungles, grim nuclear wastelands and the cold, dead air of space itself?

Well, if you’re reading that and taking it literally, we suggest you hand yourself into the nearest psychiatric ward.

However, if you thought: ‘Hey! That sounds like a fun computer game to me!‘, then you’re okay by us. And with the help of Killzone 3, which is due for release soon, you’ll be able to run around with guns! And stuff!

This new version of Killzone 3 looks like a cracker and already has team ‘spray gargling and dribbling with anticipation. Basically, this game, exclusive to the PlayStation 3 (sorry everyone who doesn’t own one) is as explosive as the last outings, but a much more cinematic affair, which means, of course, we can replace our dreary lives with this game.

You get to join ISA forces as they continually pop off round after round at those horrible Helghast lot.

And mercifully, you’ll have more vehicles, more weapons (weapons that blow-up, loads) and a particularly vicious close-combat system, which means that, once you get to know your enemy, you can do amazingly horrible things to them and laugh like a cackling lunatic while you do it.

That’s all anyone wants from a video game, right?

Berating you throughout the game is Drill Sergeant McCain who probably really loves you underneath all that shouting and abusing. Why, you can even get him to be nasty to you on Facebook (facebook.com/ultimaterecruit) and Twitter (twitter.com/SergeantMcCain).

BLAMMO!

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Bungie, the developers behind games such as Halo, Halo 2 and… erm, Halo 3 have made an announcement to all the people playing the leaked version of their latest game, Halo 4… I mean Halo: Reach.

Halo: Reach for the Stars is a first person shooter set somewhere in outer space and requires the player to climb various mountains higher and ultimately follow their heart’s desire. Okay, I may have confused the plot of the game with a song by S Club 7, but to be honest the plot is so ridiculously complex I genuinely can’t be bothered going into it. In its most basic form it works like this: Man has gun, man has space suit, man go into space and shoot evil alien for arbitrary reason that serves as a plot device.

Somehow the Halo series has become the iPhone of Xbox games, except it came out before the iPhone and people who own it don’t tend to try and show off their new copy of Halo by laying it out on the table at every opportunity. Well, some people do, but they’re creepy and weird.

Anyway, being that this game is the be all and end all of gaming, the launch of Halo: Reacharound has encountered the same problem as every digital entertainment format in the last 10 years, it’s been pirated to high heaven and Bungie have had enough! The makers of the game have said that no-one playing should get too attached to any equipment or credits they’ve garnered during their illegal little online romps, as everything will be reset when the game is officially released and Bungie have written the whole episode off as, “beta testing.”

Cue rioting in the streets complaining on internet forums as players try to figure out a way to get around the reset, only to be told by Bungie that the second they connect to the Xbox LIVE servers they’ll be identified as a new user and reset to n00b status, this may or may not have been followed by the Bungie PR rep sticking two fingers up at the pirates, blowing a raspberry and telling them to, “jog on.”

TLDR; Bungie steal from pirates, LOL!

Being a bodyguard is one of those jobs that would be – as those kids tend to say – ‘awesome’.

It’s just a shame that you’d probably end up getting shot and killed. But wait! For you – yes you – can still be a bodyguard without having to put your actual, real life on the line! Plus you won’t have to get embarrassed should you decide to do a runner instead of looking after your VIP.

How? By playing Black Shades, the bodyguard game.

You are a bodyguard and you have to protect your VIP, playing about in an infinitely generated city full of blocky little people, half of which seemingly want to shoot the man in white you’re looking after. Kill them, disarm them, knock your VIP out of the way – you decide how to deal with the attacker.

It looks shonky but it still plays really well, and is oddly compulsive – as with a lot of freebies. It is a download, mind, and not a browser-based timewaster, but it’s well worth the 1MB file size.

Download Black Shades Here:

Black Shades