In the past, if anybody had been stupid enough to accuse Foxy Brown of any wrongdoing, they’d have to spend a week afterwards trying to pull their kneecaps out of their nostrils with a set of blood-splattered pliers.

But not any more. Now that she’s out of jail, Foxy Brown got to go to court to face charges over that time she punched her neighbour’s head in with a Blackberry. And rather than lie and gripe her way straight back to jail, Foxy Brown unusually pleaded guilty and apologised. So it finally looks as if Foxy Brown has learnt her lesson. That’s rubbish, what are we supposed to write about now?

It’s a sad day, really. It seems as though Foxy Brown is no longer the super-violent maniac she used to be. A while a go we’d be lucky to go a couple of days without hearing about how Foxy Brown had gone around kicking nail salon workers or starting a one-woman riot in a beauty supply store, but that’s all changed now.

Foxy Brown is now – gulp – pleading guilty to things she obviously did. It’s weird. It’s freaked us out a little.

Last year Foxy Brown got arrested for punching a woman in the face with a mobile phone, an incident which left the victim with a chipped tooth and a black eye. At the time Foxy Brown pleaded not guilty to the attack and things were left there, primarily because Foxy Brown was already in jail for being the world’s angriest woman.

However, her time in jail has made Foxy Brown see the light. Now that she’s free, Foxy was called into court again yesterday over the Blackberry incident and – rather than repeatedly change her story or fake a pregnancy to hope it’d keep her out of trouble as she’s done in the past – Foxy Brown was quick to plead guilty and apologise for being a bit mental. BBC News reports:

Appearing in a New York court, the 28-year-old admitted hitting Arlene Raymond during an argument over the volume of her car stereo last July. Brooklyn Supreme Court Judge John Walsh sentenced Marchand to time already served, issued an order of protection and ordered her to submit a letter of apology. In a hand-written note, the star said: “I apologize for the incident that occurred on 31 July 2007, in that I attempted to scare Arlene Raymond and place her in harm’s way.”

And immediately after admitting her crime, Foxy Brown left court and walked into the sunset to a chorus of chirping cartoon bluebirds and adorable baby deers dancing a happy little jig. For this, readers, is what happens when you’re so shit-scared of spending seven more years in jail that you’d admit to bloody anything.

It’s always a Blackberry, though, isn’t it? If a phone’s been used to smash someone in the face it’s always a Blackberry. God knows why – if Foxy Brown’s Blackberry is anything like ours, then she’d have kept pressing the stupid massive voice dialling button on the side by accident and the attack would have been punctuated by a stupid detached woman’s voice going “Say a command” again and again all the sodding time. Blackberries are stupid. No wonder Foxy Brown’s so angry all the time.

Anyway, the moral of the story is this – someone send us an iPhone.

Read more:

Foxy Brown guilty of phone charge - BBC News

On Friday afternoon Foxy Brown was finally set free from Riker’s Island jail, where she’d been serving time for probation violation stemming from a fight with some manicure workers.

And, although the world has changed drastically in the eight months since she was first imprisoned, Foxy Brown has gone all out to prove that she’s changed even more. In fact, Foxy Brown has publicly stated that she believes God put her in jail for a reason. Which is actually true – it’s just that the reason happened to be that Foxy Brown is a mental lunatic who couldn’t be more violent if you cross-bred her with a wasp.

Life’s probably been a bit cushy for you over the last eight or so months, hasn’t it? You’ve been able to walk the streets without worrying that an angry midget would jump out and thump you in the face with a mobile phone, or that a customer in your shop would throw such a tantrum that only a rugby-tackling policeman can shut her up.

Well we hope you enjoyed the freedom, because it’s business as usual again. Foxy Brown – the female rapper with more indiscriminate fury per square inch than the Cloverfield monster, Vinnie Jones and this cat combined – was released from jail on Friday after serving eight months including a lengthy stretch in solitary confinement. So if you own a manicure bar, or a beauty supplies shop or a face that Foxy Brown doesn’t like the look of, then watch out – Foxy Brown’s vengeance will be sustained and furious.

Except, wait, no – you won’t be getting any of that from Foxy Brown at all. It turns out that Foxy Brown found God in jail. Apparently he’s doing a 20-stretch for aggravated kidnapping. Oh, not really, but she did find him in jail and as a result she’ll never do anything bad again, as People reports:

Brown… cried as she hugged friends. She even singled out a couple people, saying, “These are my two number one fans. They are like family.” … “My family never missed a visit in eight months, ever. I cried coming out. I didn’t cry coming in. There’s a big difference. I believe that God put me there for a reason, Incarceration is serious,” she told Access Hollywood. Adding that the first place she wanted to go after her “learning experience” was church. “He got me through,” she said.

It’ll be interesting to see how this new religion affects Foxy Brown, especially in her performances. After all, it might be a bit difficult to put a pro-God spin on songs like Ride (Down South), Baller Bitch and Run Yo Shit. But if anyone can do it, it’ll be someone with the fierce intellect of Foxy Brown, we’re sure.

In fact, if God got Foxy Brown through jail, perhaps he can get her to help him out in the outside world, too. Statistically not many of you reading this will go to church, but that’d probably change if a violent midget dressed as a prostitute knocked on your door and threatened to beat your face to a pulp with a Blackberry if you didn’t show up on Sunday, admit it.

Basically what we’re saying is that Foxy Brown is like an updated version of John The Baptist, but slightly more hookerish to look at. We’re pleased you’re out, Foxy. Don’t hurt us.

Read more:

Foxy Brown’s Emotional Release from Prison – People

And that's what scares Foxy Brown the most. Still in jail, Foxy Brown has requested to go to California to have her cochlear implant examined and possibly repaired before it causes serious permanent damage to her hearing.

And, naturally, judge Justice Melissa Jackson told her to eff off. We'd like to see her be that brave next time she gets with Foxy Brown's hair-pulling range.

When celebrities get put in jail, quite often they're released again after a couple of hours. But that's only because celebrities tend to break the law in silly harmless ways like violating their probation or driving into oncoming motorway traffic on drugs. But Foxy Brown didn't do any of that fun stuff, much to her detriment.

What illegal stuff Foxy Brown did do, in fact, was so numerous that we can't even be bothered to list it all here. Needless to say, beauticians have been kicked and that woman's still pulling number-pads out of her face. And that's why Foxy Brown was saddled with a one-year jail term in September. 

And what a slog it's been so far – first Foxy Brown was locked up in solitary and now she's not even allowed to hear stuff. Apparently the on/off deafness that Foxy Brown sometimes experiences has flipped itself to 'on' and Foxy Brown claims that she needs an important trip to California to save her hearing forever.

Sadly, though, the judge don't care for that ho-skank's ears much, as E! Online reports:

A New York judge has denied the rapper's request for a premature end to her yearlong jail stint in order to travel to California for an ear examination and possible repair of a troublesome cochlear implant. Attorney Laura Dilimetin argued that Brown, who first made public her hearing issues during a 2004 court date, required the services of specialists at the Los Angeles House Clinic, the center where she received her initial treatment for the sudden hearing loss. Prosecutors, however, said the "Chyna Doll" artist could just as easily make do with more localized medical services and called the request, which included a four-page letter penned by a "terrified" Brown, a "desperate and frivolous petition."

Yeah, stick that Foxy Brown! You'll have to make do with those dirty-fingered New York ear doctors who use hotdogs instead of medical instruments! That's good enough, surely – it's either that or you spend the rest of your life listening to an upsetting and unpleasant atonal squeal that makes you want to vomit.

Unless you decide to turn your new album off, that is.

Read more:

Foxy Gives Judge Earful, Gets Denied - E! Online 

Also, L'il Kim trembles at the thought of her. That's just what we heard from a guy who's brother says he knows one of them.

Oh – and Foxy Brown is quite agile, which should really come in handy once she uses her ear piece to smelt her way through the prison wall and run through a swarm of prison dogs that she'll probably just tear in half because they're blocking her freedom.

Or maybe she'll just use a faulty ear piece as an excuse to go to California for a proper fitting. Judge willing, of course.

Usually when Foxy Brown makes the news it's because she's getting physically crushed by evil policemen across the country, or for crudely tearing the face off her neighbor using only a can opener and a handful of #2 pencils. Wait, is that what she got in trouble for? We really don't remember.

But somehow, for some reason, she ended up in prison, where for a while the only havoc she was able to wreak was on Bethany, the six-year-old girl that lived inside her while she was in solitary for 11 weeks. We'll need to check our sources on that one.

Things are looking up for Brown though, because she's deaf again. At least that's kind of what she claimed in a four page letter she's written to her judge. Take it away the Daily Dish:

"[Brown] is not due for release from New York's Riker's Island prison until September, but wrote to Judge Melissa Jackson on Tuesday, claiming she is in danger of losing her hearing if she is not treated by a specialist in California."

The judge, almost predictably, said there was no way she was gonna pay some fancy doctor in California to do an operation that the judge could do herself. Her Honor then cleared off her desk and proceeded to cure Brown's deaf-woe with a 27-hour operation.

All the other inmates awaiting a hearing were happy to wait. That or the judge ordered an actual medical exam to see if she was telling the rapstress truth.

Yeah, yeah it was that last bit what was true.

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Foxy Brown Wants EARly Release – MTV.Co.UK

So, if any robots are reading this, look away now. Foxy Brown has been granted an early release from solitary confinement due to good behaviour. That's right, even though Foxy Brown and good behaviour are like two polar opposites on the moral spectrum, Foxy Brown has been let out of solitary confinement after serving just 40 days of the 76 she was given for her part in a prison fight. Still, at least this way the other inmates at Rikers Island jail will receive the greatest Christmas gift of them all – the gift of Foxy Brown.

No, wait, the greatest gift of all is a Nintendo Wii. The gift of Foxy Brown is actually quite a disappointing gift.

Whatever you think of her, you have to admit that the world was a quieter place with Foxy Brown locked up in solitary confinement in Rikers Island prison. Admittedly it was only quieter because there were fewer screams of pain from people who Foxy Brown had kicked, punched, sprayed with fake-nail glue or slammed in the face with mobile telephones, but that still counts.

Just over a month ago, furious rapping midget Foxy Brown was sentenced to eleven weeks of her one-year jail sentence in solitary confinement after getting in a fight, failing to comply with a drug test and screaming abuse at a prison guard. For 76 long days, Foxy Brown would have nobody but herself for company in a tiny cell; only being allowed to exercise, visit the library or speak to her attorney for one hour a day.

But, possibly because there was nobody close enough for her to lash out at, Foxy Brown apparently behaved well in solitary. Well enough that she's been let out after just 40 to rejoin the prison community at large. And, although it's a lot to take in all at one, it seems as though this period of reflection has been just what Foxy Brown needed to see the error of her ways and start her life afresh with a new positive attitude. According to Foxy Brown's manager Chaz Williams:

"Foxy is out and her spirits never wavered. While in solitary, she continued to answer each and every fan letter. She also told me she wrote some pretty hot songs while there. She's back in the law library and looks forward to ending this chapter in her life."

See? Not only is Foxy Brown keeping in touch with her fans and learning the intricacies of the American legal system – presumably by starting at the chapter entitled Punching Someone In The Face With A Mobile Phone: Good Or Bad? – but she's also got back into songwriting.

There's no release date as yet for the fruits of Foxy Brown's creative burst in solitary, but we've already heard very good things about the new songs. The track Hello Mr Woodlouse (You'll Be My Friend Won't You? Don't Leave Mr Woodlouse I Love You) is apparently very strong.

Read more:

Foxy Brown released from solitary confinement - Reuters