Jail has changed Foxy Brown, that’s for sure.
In the past, if anybody had been stupid enough to accuse Foxy Brown of any wrongdoing, they’d have to spend a week afterwards trying to pull their kneecaps out of their nostrils with a set of blood-splattered pliers.
But not any more. Now that she’s out of jail, Foxy Brown got to go to court to face charges over that time she punched her neighbour’s head in with a Blackberry. And rather than lie and gripe her way straight back to jail, Foxy Brown unusually pleaded guilty and apologised. So it finally looks as if Foxy Brown has learnt her lesson. That’s rubbish, what are we supposed to write about now?
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We’re not joking. Lock your doors, strap down your children and only go to sleep if you’re wearing full body armour – Foxy Brown is out of jail.
On Friday afternoon Foxy Brown was finally set free from Riker’s Island jail, where she’d been serving time for probation violation stemming from a fight with some manicure workers.
And, although the world has changed drastically in the eight months since she was first imprisoned, Foxy Brown has gone all out to prove that she’s changed even more. In fact, Foxy Brown has publicly stated that she believes God put her in jail for a reason. Which is actually true – it’s just that the reason happened to be that Foxy Brown is a mental lunatic who couldn’t be more violent if you cross-bred her with a wasp.
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It must be awful being deaf in jail – if ever a yell of "Jailbreak!" went up, you'd just carry on sewing mailbags oblivious to all the fun.
And that's what scares Foxy Brown the most. Still in jail, Foxy Brown has requested to go to California to have her cochlear implant examined and possibly repaired before it causes serious permanent damage to her hearing.
And, naturally, judge Justice Melissa Jackson told her to eff off. We'd like to see her be that brave next time she gets with Foxy Brown's hair-pulling range.
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Foxy Brown is the best of the best. No other black female rapper under 4' has ever released a successful selling album using minimal beats and musical ability, and no other female black rapper over 3' has ever made bottles of lotion explode all over a salon just by looking at them with her angry devil eyes.
Also, L'il Kim trembles at the thought of her. That's just what we heard from a guy who's brother says he knows one of them.
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If you ever want to destroy a robot, the easiest thing to do is to mention 'Foxy Brown' and 'good behaviour' to it in the same sentence – you'll flip a switch in its logic-board and send it into a shrieking fiery meltdown.
So, if any robots are reading this, look away now. Foxy Brown has been granted an early release from solitary confinement due to good behaviour. That's right, even though Foxy Brown and good behaviour are like two polar opposites on the moral spectrum, Foxy Brown has been let out of solitary confinement after serving just 40 days of the 76 she was given for her part in a prison fight. Still, at least this way the other inmates at Rikers Island jail will receive the greatest Christmas gift of them all – the gift of Foxy Brown.
No, wait, the greatest gift of all is a Nintendo Wii. The gift of Foxy Brown is actually quite a disappointing gift.
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Jail has changed Foxy Brown, that’s for sure.
