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Watchmen Saga Takes Another Interminable Twist

by Stuart Heritage

One of the movies that everyone is most looking forward to being profoundly disappointed by this year is Watchmen.

That’s if Watchmen is released this year, of course. Thanks to a petty squabble between Warner Bros (which made Watchmen) and Fox (which says it owns the rights to Watchmen), nothing looks certain any more. And now one of the movie’s producers, Lloyd Levin, has waded in on the issue by writing a letter calling everyone at Fox big old smellyheads. We’re paraphrasing.

So Watchmen still might not be released this year. That’s OK, we’re sure we’ll be just as disappointed by Terminator Salvation.

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24: Stomping Back Onto TV On January 11

by Stuart Heritage

For all this talk of change, one thing must remain the same – the humourless blonde men who torture foreigners and never pee.

That’s right, we’re talking about Jack Bauer. And fortunately our prayers have been heeded – Fox has announced the exact airdate that the new season of 24 will return to our screens. Following the Africa-set TV movie prequel being broadcast on November 23, the two-day, four-hour 24 season premiere has been scheduled for January 11 and 12.

That genuinely can’t come fast enough for us – 24 has been off our screens for so long now that, and we’re slightly ashamed to admit this, last time we saw a man of Middle Eastern descent, we weren’t immediately gripped by a kneejerk urge to tie him to a chair, submerge his feet into a bucket of water and then electrocute him while screaming at him to tell us the nuclear disarmament codes. Jack Bauer would be so ashamed of us.

For all this talk of change, one thing must remain the same - the humourless blonde men who torture foreigners and never pee. That's right, we're talking about Jack Bauer. And fortunately our prayers have been heeded - Fox has announced the exact airdate that the new season of 24 will return to our screens. Following the Africa-set TV movie prequel being broadcast on November 23, the two-day, four-hour 24 season premiere has been scheduled for January 11 and 12. That genuinely can't come fast enough for us - 24 has been off our screens for so long now that, and we're slightly ashamed to admit this, last time we saw a man of Middle Eastern descent, we weren't immediately gripped by a kneejerk urge to tie him to a chair, submerge his feet into a bucket of water and then electrocute him while screaming at him to tell us the nuclear disarmament codes. Jack Bauer would be so ashamed of us.
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Watchmen Won’t be Watched by Men, if Fox Get Their Way

by Ian Dransfield

Everybody seems to be getting in on the comic book-to-movie adaptation thing, with easily one of the most anticipated being that of Watchmen. While normally this would be greeted with trepidation and a slight amount of fear, the sheer quality of the source material, combined with the fact that the film is supposed to actually [...]

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Fox Tells FCC To Kiss Its Digitally-Obscured Genital Region

by Stuart Heritage

There’s a constant battle in America between the FCC – which believes that you go to hell as soon as you see a nude body, even your own – and the titty-loving TV networks.

And the latest scrap to break out is between the FCC and Fox. You see, half a decade ago, Fox showed some digitally-obscured boobs on a barely-remembered reality TV show and the FCC has just decided to fine it $91,000 for doing so. However, Fox is refusing to pay the fine, calling it “arbitrary and capricious, inconsistent with precedent, and patently unconstitutional.”

By doing so, Fox has kick-started a hard-fought ideological debate about morals, indecency, ethics, free speech and censorship that could change the shape of American broadcasting forever. Plus it’s about boobies. Wheeeee!

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Dog The Bounty Hunter In ‘Not Black’ Shock

by Stuart Heritage

When Dog The Bounty Hunter was taped calling his son’s black girlfriend a ‘nigger’, the global shock was palpable – not just because of the hateful language but because most people assumed that Dog The Bounty Hunter was black himself.

It’s true. OK, admittedly Dog The Bounty Hunter is a 15-foot-tall, bleach-blonde mulleted redneck who makes his living shooting minor criminals in the face with bear mace and very obviously has white skin, so it might be a stretch to see Dog as black, but that’s how Dog The Bounty Hunter described himself in his first post-scandal TV interview. But it’s OK, because Dog The Bounty Hunter has learnt that he isn’t actually black – which is good because if he was then he’d hate himself and have to spray mace at his own eyes, then manhandle himself a bit while shouting ‘bra’ into his own face over and over again. And that’d just be weird.

When Dog The Bounty Hunter was taped calling his son's black girlfriend a 'nigger', the global shock was palpable - not just because of the hateful language but because most people assumed that Dog The Bounty Hunter was black himself. It's true. OK, admittedly Dog The Bounty Hunter is a 15-foot-tall, bleach-blonde mulleted redneck who makes his living shooting minor criminals in the face with bear mace and very obviously has white skin, so it might be a stretch to see Dog as black, but that's how Dog The Bounty Hunter described himself in his first post-scandal TV interview. But it's OK, because Dog The Bounty Hunter has learnt that he isn't actually black - which is good because if he was then he'd hate himself and have to spray mace at his own eyes, then manhandle himself a bit while shouting 'bra' into his own face over and over again. And that'd just be weird.
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