Dear everybody,

Well, they found Bigfoot’s body, and it’s currently being kept in a freezer. The long question of whether the thing exists or not is finally answered.

Or so say the two guys with the freezer.

Evidence of Bigfoot has long been floating about – the problem is it’s always weak evidence. Last time we told you the proof was in the form of foot steps heard deep in the woods with an electronic ear, and how no creature known to man has ever snapped twigs quite in that pattern while walking.

A few years ago we told you about the kid who video taped a sasquatch, but then couldn’t remember quite where the encounter happened, and was in a big hurry to talk dollar signs. Also, there’s the child molestor, who himself was once molested – by a Bigfoot.

This time around it’s two guys (Rick Dyer & Matthew Whitton) in the woods. They run some sort of Bigfoot hunting business, and on a fairly recent expedition stumbled upon a pretty intact hair-covered carcass. Reportedly, they dragged it out of there while other sasquatch watched from the side lines. They made it all the way to a plugged-in gigantic freezer, and are currently keeping the beast quite preserved.

They were going to present incredibly solid evidence that the monster exists last Friday at a press conference – but they didn’t.  Here’s the New York Times’ take on things:

“One photograph provided to the news media showed what resembled a gorilla — or maybe an old sheepskin rug — lying twisted in a freezer, with a dollop of intestines protruding from its belly. “There’s a lot of comment being made that it looks fake, or it looks like a suit,” Mr. Dyer said. “But these people wasn’t there when I was sweating, pulling this thing through the woods.”

But that was written before the big news conference. More recently we have something from the Sydney Morning Herald:

“They didn’t produce a Bigfoot corpse; that is in a hidden location, they said, after being moved from a freezer that broke down a couple of times. They will not say exactly where they found the creature and claim they saw a band of other Bigfoots watching them. Neither will they allow anyone other than their own hand-picked scientists to examine the body of the dead animal.

“We’re now the best Bigfoot hunters in the world,” said Matthew Whitton, 31. Whitton and his hiking partner, Rick Dyer, 28, wore the hats to prove it, advertising their website. Mr Whitton is a police officer who is on disability leave; Mr Dyer is a car salesman and tow-truck operator.”

It’s not looking good at this point. But then it doesn’t have to. You know their website is currently being ransacked by a curious public – bringing in loads of advertising money. Their tour business might even be picking up – $150 for an overnight hike and as many Costco-brand granola bars as you can eat.

We don’t actually know their price chart or services rendered.

What we think is this – there are two many sasquatch encounters reported each year for it to be nothing – but this ain’t it.

It could, however, explain where Harriette Winslow from Family Matters has been lately. Seriously – what happened to her?

But Roger Waters‘ Coachella set was livened up by one tiny thing – the moment when his giant inflatable pig broke free and blew off. Blew off into the desert. Get your minds out of the gutter. Cuh!

And the escape of Roger Waters’ big pig has been the talk of the town ever since, with extensive discussions in the press and monetary rewards being offered to whoever recovered it first. Anything, in fact, to take people’s minds off the fact that they’d just basically exchanged $270 for a week of agonising lower back pain and an eighth of a day spent listening to an old posho bleat on about Southampton.

This is just a theory, but we’re starting to think that Coachella organisers don’t want people to go to their little festival. Every year they try to scare everyone away, either by hiring an old lady to dance around in a leotard or persuading a bunch of angry boys to scream abuse at everyone, and this year they must have thought they’d stumbled across the holy grail of audience repellents – Roger Waters from Pink Floyd.

Because, honestly, if we wanted to listen to an old man go over his past achievements word for word in brain-numbing detail for the millionth time surrounded by drooling medicated fartheads, we’d go and visit our Grandpa in the nursing home. And we don’t like doing that because it reminds us that we’ll die one day.

However, Roger Waters was performing Dark Side Of The Moon in full at Coachella, so he drew a huge crowd of people eager to discover what an album they’ve already played to death sounds like when they have to jam themselves in between a bunch of hippies who’ve curled elastic bands into their beards and listen to them bleat on about how deep it is for Roger Waters to turn some green lights on during a song called Money because money is, like, green. And being pretty sure they’re suffering from the early stages of heatstroke. Man.

Anyway, long story short, Roger Waters did the old inflatable pig trick during his set, but it accidentally blew away and some people got sad until they found it in the desert later. And apparently that’s news now. The Telegraph reports:

A huge inflatable pig bearing the word “Obama” which went missing in the California desert after it was released into the sky during a music festival has been found. The pig, which disappeared following a show by Pink Floyd frontman Roger Waters at the Coachella music festival on Sunday. was found by two families on their driveways in La Quinta, California. They will split the $10,000 (£5,090) reward offered by the festival, according to the BBC.

Apparently, as well as telling the residents of California to vote for Barack Obama almost three months after they had the ability to do so, the giant pig also “displayed the words ‘Don’t be led to the slaughter’ and a cartoon of Uncle Sam holding two bloody cleavers. The other side read ‘Fear builds walls.” See? You can take the hippy out of the sixties, but you can’t stop him being an insufferable overbearing dick.

Read more:

Pink Floyd’s flying ‘Obama’ pig found – Telegraph