fortunes - HecklerSpray

Hecklerscopes: 17 January 2012

August 4th, 2012 By Joanna Bolouri

Once again, we’re here to bring you amazing insights into your life! Aren’t you lucky?? Well, actually no. Probably not.?Were our predictions correct last week? Of course they were, we don’t just make this stuff up you know.

?This is science.

You probably thought it was all mumbo-gumbo, but when did anyone ever accuse Prof. Brian Cox or Patrick Moore of mumbo-gumbists? No, like us, they are properly scientific when they stare at the stars. And so, let our gravitational pull deflect advice your miserable, miserable way.

Hecklerscopes – You’re Weak In The Stars

August 7th, 2012 By Joanna Bolouri

Welcome to 2012 you losers!! Think this year is going to somehow be better for you because you made some pitiful resolutions about being less onanistic and getting a real job? ?Pfft.?Unlikely.

We’ve been staring into the new crystal ball we got for Christmas, conversing with the stars and even dancing with tears in our eyes, just to bring you a completely accurate and poorly written insight into your?miserable?lives.

Ready? Hit the jump!

Hecklerspray Horoscopes 8 Nov 2011

November 8th, 2011 By Joanna Bolouri

It’s time for hecklerspray psychic and astrologer person Joanna Bolouri to guide you through the next week and possibly ruin it entirely. She doesn’t care. Nope. Not even a little bit.

Think the planets care either? Really? Do you think that the planets care one jot about you and your life?

Wrong again.

Hecklerspray Horoscopes 1 Nov 2011

November 1st, 2011 By Joanna Bolouri

Look. LOOK AT THE STARS! They’re all twinkly and that. THEY KNOW THINGS ABOUT YOU!!!

Yes they do. And they tell us things in our brains which we write down and tell you.

Just as well, as we know nothing except that Jack Daniels and coke turns you into a brilliant dancer and that ?you’re all going to have a hideous week with no-one to blame but yourselves. Okay? Good. Now let’s see what your horoscopes say.

Hecklerspray Horoscopes 25 Oct 2011

October 25th, 2011 By Joanna Bolouri

Hey! It’s time to peer into your future by looking at the sky for a really, really long time. That’s nice isn’t it?

Of course, because you can’t possibly conceive the notion that your life will pan out via a series of completely random events, we’ll find answers for you by pretending that we understand how the movement of planets works.

LIKE MAGIC OR SOMETHING. Just start reading them over the jump already, you gullible idiot.

Hecklerspray Celebrity Horoscopes 18 Oct 2011

October 18th, 2011 By Joanna Bolouri

This week we’ve decided to ignore you mere mortals and focus all our energy on those who are more deserving. That’s right, we’re picking on those miserable celebrities this week as it’s pretty much what we live for anyway.

Read on and see if you can work out who we’re talking about.

It isn’t remotely difficult.

Hecklerspray Horoscopes 11 October 2011

October 11th, 2011 By Joanna Bolouri

This week we’ve been drunkenly staring upwards at those star things for days on end, wishing we’d done our final year at University instead of ?ditching it in favour of being Russell Grant’s apprentice and gathering information about your equally worthless lives for a cheap laugh.

Yes, it’s hecklerspray horoscopes time.

Prepare to be insulted amazed.

Hecklerspray Horoscopes 27th Sep

August 7th, 2012 By Joanna Bolouri

It’s time for another round of hecklerspray horoscopes where resident psychic Joanna Bolouri will?blatantly?lie to you for her own amusement.

This week she correctly predicted that Mof Gimmers would end up stinking drunk, face down in a gutter and that Sophie Hall was the one who stole her bra off the bedsit clothes horse and stretched it with her giant lady bumps.

Let’s see what she predicts for you cretins.

Hecklerspray Horoscopes 20th Sep 2011

August 7th, 2012 By Joanna Bolouri

STARS! PLANETS! THE UNIVERSE! RAINBOWS! ?Erm, CLOUDS!??Can these things really determine you future? Can they? WELL CAN THEY? DO YOU REALLY THINK THEY CAN?

THEY CAN’T.

We can though. We’re spooky. Spooky like Mystic Meg’s face appearing in Russell Grant’s undercrackers. Wooooooooooo! Let’s look at your future shall we? You’re dying to find out when you die aren’t you?

Hecklerspray Horoscopes 13th September 2011

August 7th, 2012 By Joanna Bolouri

We know things… things told to us in a dream by the stars and the planets and by stalking you on Twitter and hacking your Facebook account. ?These insights help us determine exactly what’s going to happen to you this week.

Unless you’ve changed your password again, in which case these may be entirely made up by our resident drunk and expert in things, ?Joanna Bolouri

It’s time for some horoscoping.