We don’t know about you, but we get terribly antsy before the release of the Forbes Hip Hop Cash Kings list.
Every year it’s the same. We pace up and down, unable to focus on anything, worrying relentlessly for poor old Jay-Z. “Is Jay-Z still offensively wealthy?” we ask ourselves. “Does Jay-Z still have so much money that he could buy you and your entire extended family, throw you all in a quarry, fill it in with a mixture of concrete and diamonds and still not notice any discernible difference in his bank account? Oh, say that he does!”
So it’s with great relief that we say, yes, according to the 2010 Forbes Hip Hop Cash Kings list, Jay-Z is still rich. Wildly rich. Disgustingly rich. $63 million a year rich. We’ve never been so happy. We think we’re welling up.
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Mid-January is always depressing – back at work, broke from Christmas, fat from Christmas, surrounded by grey skies.
What could cheer us up? Oh, we know! What about Forbes magazine printing a great big list of all the celebrity couples who make more money in a day than any of us will ever see across the duration of our entire lives? Great! But only if it comes with splashy headlines about how Jay-Z and Beyonce earnt $122 million last year, though! We won’t be happy unless our noses really get rubbed in it!
What? That list exists? Jay-Z and Beyonce really did earn $122 million in a year? Why, Forbes magazine, you’re even better than Father Christmas! Please don’t start ignoring us like he did, though.
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This is just a hunch, but we’re expecting Will Ferrell to be named as People‘s sexiest man alive next year.
Because, seriously, that man is loaded. He gets paid so much money. Too much money, in fact. And he doesn’t deserve a bloody penny of it. That’s according to Forbes, at least – Will Ferrell has come out on top of a list 0f Hollywood’s most overpaid stars. The list claims that Will Ferrell only earns his investors a return of $3.29 for every dollar he’s paid.
Why such a poor figure? Well, it’s partly because Land Of The Lost flopped, partly because comedy is notoriously difficult to sell around the world and partly because Will Ferrell has cold dead eyes and a rapist’s haircut. Possibly.
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Instead of a penis, Brad Pitt has a magic wand that brings fabulous wealth to anyone who he sticks it in.
It’s true. It is. OK, in all fairness it probably isn’t true. Chances are Brad Pitt does have a penis – but the bit about it making people rich is still true, though. Forbes has just published its list of Hollywood’s top-earning actresses, and the top two spots are taken up by Angelina Jolie and Jennifer Aniston.
We know what you’re thinking – where’s Juliette Lewis on the list? Look, not even Brad Pitt’s magic wand willy is that magic, OK?
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Some people, they say, are born powerful. Some achieve power. Others shack up with Brad Pitt and do it that way.
We’re not experts, so we don’t know which of these has made Angelina Jolie so powerful. But she is powerful. In fact, Forbes has just named Angelina Jolie as the most powerful celebrity onEarth, thanks to her ability to command exposure, and also her ability to pull a semi-articulated lorry full of bricks for a mile with her nipple.
Anyway, congratulations to Angelina Jolie, or Almighty Overlord Archduke Angelina Jolie The Invincible as she now demands to be called.
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Will Smith’s appeal is that he looks comfortable in everything – comedies like Hitch, actioners like Bad Boys.
Stinking bags of bumheap like Hancock. Anything. And because of this – plus the way that Will Smith will promote his films by going on every single TV show and laughing so loudly and over-sincerely that he seems like an escaped murderer – that Forbes has called Will Smith the world’s most bankable star.
So congratulations to Will Smith. And equal congratulations Tatyana Ali from Fresh Prince Of Bel Air, who has been name as the 1,268th most bankable star. Keep living the dream Tatyana!
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Have you ever stayed awake at night wondering who the most influential celebrity baby is? You have? You’re on some sort of government register, aren’t you.
However, on the off-chance that your interest in the preschool children of Hollywood celebrities is down to something other that surging waves of barely-controlled paedophilia, you should take a look at the just-published Forbes annual ’10 Hottest Tots’ lists. Just, you know, be sure to hide the magazine inside a less incriminating magazine first, like Big Droopy Knockers or Readers Disgusting BDSM Infantilism Fantasies.
And, for anyone who actually cares, Suri Cruise was named the most influential baby this year. Of course, it seems silly to rank toddlers based on their power and influence but, since Suri Cruise is the only celebrity baby able to summon the mighty Xenu to smite her foes inside his all-powerful fist, she was probably always going to make at least the top three.
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Have you ever stayed awake at night wondering who the most influential celebrity baby is? You have? You're on some sort of government register, aren't you.
However, on the off-chance that your interest in the preschool children of Hollywood celebrities is down to something other that surging waves of barely-controlled paedophilia, you should take a look at the just-published Forbes annual '10 Hottest Tots' lists. Just, you know, be sure to hide the magazine inside a less incriminating magazine first, like Big Droopy Knockers or Readers Disgusting BDSM Infantilism Fantasies.
And, for anyone who actually cares, Suri Cruise was named the most influential baby this year. Of course, it seems silly to rank toddlers based on their power and influence but, since Suri Cruise is the only celebrity baby able to summon the mighty Xenu to smite her foes inside his all-powerful fist, she was probably always going to make at least the top three.
We ran a race once when we were ten and got second place. Second place isn’t bad for a chubby little kid with a bad perm. We got a medal and everything. Do you think they gave a medal to the person that came in 785th place in that race? Do you? Well, they most certainly didn’t. Not only because there were only about 30 kids in the race, but also because 785th place isn’t really a place at all. It’s hundreds of spots away from the winner. It’s where the losers hang out.
Know who’s a 785th place loser, too? Facebook originator Mark Zuckerberg, that’s who. What a slacker. He’s probably all boo-hoo about being 785th place. What’s that? The thing for which he placed 785th was the list of richest people in the world?
Well, then that’s not too shabby out of billions of people, now is it.
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