Articles tagged with: Forbes
Instead of a penis, Brad Pitt has a magic wand that brings fabulous wealth to anyone who he sticks it in. It's true. It is. OK, in all fairness it probably isn't true. Chances are Brad Pitt does have a penis - but the bit about it making people rich is still true, though. Forbes has just published its list of Hollywood's top-earning actresses, and the top two spots are taken up by Angelina Jolie and Jennifer Aniston. We know what you're thinking - where's Juliette Lewis on the list? Look, not even Brad Pitt's magic wand willy is that magic, OK?
Some people, they say, are born powerful. Some achieve power. Others shack up with Brad Pitt and do it that way. We're not experts, so we don't know which of these has made Angelina Jolie so powerful. But she is powerful. In fact, Forbes has just named Angelina Jolie as the most powerful celebrity onEarth, thanks to her ability to command exposure, and also her ability to pull a semi-articulated lorry full of bricks for a mile with her nipple. Anyway, congratulations to Angelina Jolie, or Almighty Overlord Archduke Angelina Jolie The Invincible as she now demands to be called.
Will Smith's appeal is that he looks comfortable in everything - comedies like Hitch, actioners like Bad Boys. Stinking bags of bumheap like Hancock. Anything. And because of this - plus the way that Will Smith will promote his films by going on every single TV show and laughing so loudly and over-sincerely that he seems like an escaped murderer - that Forbes has called Will Smith the world's most bankable star. So congratulations to Will Smith. And equal congratulations Tatyana Ali from Fresh Prince Of Bel Air, who has been name as the 1,268th most bankable star. Keep living the dream Tatyana!
Have you ever stayed awake at night wondering who the most influential celebrity baby is? You have? You're on some sort of government register, aren't you. However, on the off-chance that your interest in the preschool children of Hollywood celebrities is down to something other that surging waves of barely-controlled paedophilia, you should take a look at the just-published Forbes annual '10 Hottest Tots' lists. Just, you know, be sure to hide the magazine inside a less incriminating magazine first, like Big Droopy Knockers or Readers Disgusting BDSM Infantilism Fantasies. And, for anyone who actually cares, Suri Cruise was named the most influential baby this year. Of course, it seems silly to rank toddlers based on their power and influence but, since Suri Cruise is the only celebrity baby able to summon the mighty Xenu to smite her foes inside his all-powerful fist, she was probably always going to make at least the top three.
We ran a race once when we were ten and got second place. Second place isn’t bad for a chubby little kid with a bad perm. We got a medal and everything. Do you think they gave a medal to the person that came in 785th place in that race? Do you? Well, they most certainly didn’t. Not only because there were only about 30 kids in the race, but also because 785th place isn’t really a place at all. It’s hundreds of spots away from the winner. It’s where the losers hang out.
Know who’s a 785th place loser, too? Facebook originator Mark Zuckerberg, that’s who. What a slacker. He’s probably all boo-hoo about being 785th place. What’s that? The thing for which he placed 785th was the list of richest people in the world?
Well, then that’s not too shabby out of billions of people, now is it.
It's so easy to become richer than your wildest dreams - all you need is a mockney husband, a giant glittery crucifix and a ghastly purple leotard that shows off your old lady's tumpsy in more detail than anyone really wanted.
As far as we can tell, that's been Madonna's trick, and it seems to have done OK for her - a Forbes survey has declared that Madonna is the richest woman in music, earning about $72 million a year.
Ask yourself this, though - does all that money make Madonna happy? Yes, of course it does. But does it make her look less wrinkled and veiny? No is does not. Ergo we win.
There's nothing like a list of people who earn more in a year than you ever will in your entire life even though they've been dead for years to inject some sunshine into your life, is there?
That's right - the annual Forbes Dead Celebrity Rich List has been published, and it's been another classic year for Elvis Presley. Elvis has managed to earn $49 million over the last year, $5 million more than his nearest rival John Lennon could muster. It's a triumphant return to the top spot for Elvis Presley, who was knocked into second place last year by Kurt Cobain, with industry experts claiming that this reflects the current public trend for favouring bloated corpses with blasted-open colons over miserable corpses with bits of their heads missing.
