Well have we got good news for you – You may be able to solve all those issues soon with the help of Snoop Doggy Dogg. He’s selling his old garden shed on eBay. That’s right, on eBay – so someone like you can help keep up hip hop’s proud tradition of extremely precise lawn care.

Now right off the bat you may think there’s absolutely no need to purchase Snoop’s old backyard tool shed. You may even think that although it looked real nice in the rapper’s backyard it would probably just crowd your livingroom.

To that we say this – don’t lose this chance so foolishly. After all, this is the same garden shed Snoop was wearing when he infamously got kicked out of Heathrow, and its the same shed he was wearing while he did almost a literal 1000 hours of community service for something or other.

Still not convinced it’d be a smart buy? But it’s for charity you selfish boob. As E! Online puts it:

“The hip-hop star is putting his favorite old backyard haunt—where he’s done some serious woodshedding over the years to craft some of his biggest hits and hang out with some of music’s brightest luminaries—on the eBay auction block to raise funds for Snoop’s Youth Football League.

“”I’ve had this shed since tha turn of tha century,” Snoop tells E! News. “I’ve beaten over 1,000 people in Madden in it, watched football game tape, seen the Lakers win championships, and, most of all, written hits in it.”"

And if that still doesn’t convince you the Dogg is prepared to sweeten the deal by throwing in the butler that’s been permanently assigned to the building for at least the past two years. And if you act now you can get a free diamond encrusted carrot peeler. It sounds tacky but it actually looks quite nice.

Surely by now you must be wondering where you can buy such a fine backyard product while financially contributing to little boys in padding tackling each other. Well, the link is right here.

Better click fast – its already over $1000.

With an option to rent to own.

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The man with a head that is home to a hair island and a face that wears a frighteningly creepy smile at all times has been spotted in the wild at his new job in the Netherlands, attempting to talk to the press.

Now, far be it from us to mock the man, but, well – we had enough ammo to go on before this, and now he’s just gone and set us up for life. He’ll never have to behave like a twit again, he’ll never have to do an awful job as England manager then blame it on everyone/thing else and he’ll never have to talk utter, utter tripe ever again.

Because this clip says everything about Steve McClaren you would ever want it to. The man is clearly deranged – there cannot be any other explanation for his decision to adopt such a stunning ‘Dutch’ accent. He actually sounds like your dad on holiday, trying to talk to a waiter who can only manage broken English.

Yet this is a man who has – presumably – had endless training on how to conduct himself in public, how to speak and how to behave. Obviously the training fell on deaf ears.

Ol’ Steve also seems oblivious to the fact that most Dutch people have a far more refined English vocabulary than most English people. Either that, or he thinks the woman interviewing him had just arrived from special school. Either way, he’s not helping himself.

Watch for yourselves:

Honestly. “ME. COME TO HOLLAND. VERY GOOD SIDE. CHAMPION AND IS LEAGUE. ARSE. NAL. LIVERPOOL. WE PLAY. MAYBE. WE SEE!”

He’s a loss to the English game, that’s for sure.

Part-time granny-lover and occasional striker for Manchester United and England, Wayne Rooney, has put pen to paper on a new £150,000 deal. Fortunately for Wayne, he’s not being paid to stay away from the finest pensioners that various brothels up and down the country have to offer, he’s instead going to try and concentrate on tucking into a portion of bread.

We mean with his teeth. Not his winky. You perverts.

What bread and Wayne Rooney have in common is beyond us, but somebody at the Hovis bakery seems to think it will help their slumping sales.

Maybe they’ve forgotten about the ferocious CREDIT CRUNCH, meaning people are simply buying less? In fact, they would be better off just trying to get Wayne to spend £150,000 on bread. But then again, he probably wouldn’t know what to do with all that yeasty goodness.

Using all the experience garnered from our Badvertising feature, we’ve thought of a few ways that bread and Wayne Rooney could be connected:

1) He could explain to children that his brain resembles the mush left over after dipping Hovis’ finest in a soft-boiled egg 152 times. As a result, he decided to get the world’s stupidest tattoo.

2) It could be some sort of crap football advert to encourage kids to get fitter and not shove pie and chips down their gullet at all hours of the day. Using his croaky voice he’ll utter: “Hey children, if you want to get ahead in life then use your loaf like me Wayne Rooney!” Following that speech – which would probably take around 10 hours of filming to get right – he’ll head a loaf of bread past a small child and make them cry.

3) Maybe it’s a subtle education drive to encourage people to attend school: “If you don’t visit the classroom, you’ll end up in a bread factory with the morons like Wayne Rooney.” That tagline alone is enough to scare children more than the Bogeyman, the monster under the bed and Michael Jackson.

See, we should become advertising executives.

Unfortunately, it appears that Hovis aren’t going down the same line of thinking as us when it comes to using the human equivalent of Shrek to sell their sandwich-creation tool. A source told the Daily Mirror:

“They want to revert to the more classic commercials for the traditionalists. With Wayne being a national icon, they can return to the iconic Hovis style, while still appealing to the younger generation. The new advert will be in the spirit of the 1973 Hovis ad – voted Britain’s favourite TV commercial – of a boy pushing a bike laden with Hovis loaves up a steep hill.”

Um…unless we’re mistaken, we always thought that the original Hovis advert was filmed in Yorkshire. So why they want to transform the famous cobbled streets of Yorkshire into the potholed streets of Liverpool, where he’ll just get his bike stolen, is beyond even hecklerspray.

It’s a travesty, we tell you! Just like when Opal Fruits changed to Starburst. The loveable voice of a Yorkshireman is set to be replaced by the screechings of a Scouser. If he had an angelic voice, we wouldn’t mind.

But at the best of times, it’s hard to understand what he says, and it usually sounds like he’s going to break your kneecaps when you can hear him.

“If it ain’t from Yorkshire, it’s rubbish,” is a common utterance of local Yorkshire types. We presume this phrase will take on a new lease of life when the advert airs. If Wayne can get his lines right, that is.

Don’t hold your breath.

On shows like You've Been Framed, the hosts always go out of their way to point out that nobody got injured during any of the pratfalls.

Here, though, we wouldn't be so sure – it's a video of some kids taking a run-up and booting a concrete football as hard as they can. Again and again and again. If you find this funny, chances are you're going to hell along with the rest of us.

And then, once you've got over the horror of watching children basically disabling themselves, you'll gave to cope with the laugh in the background. The laugh that's essentially stopped us from ever having a good night's sleep ever again.

We are sad to say that as yet there's been no endorsement between fast food retailers and dirty-looking indie types. To anyone who automatically believes that KFC conjures up images of greasy chicken and workers who don’t know what they're doing, there is in fact another KFC out there.

KFC Uerdingen, to be precise, are a cash-strapped German lower league football club. But instead of asking the bank for help, they’ve decided that Pete Doherty would be more useful.

Though it can be argued that Spider-Man, Batman or the Sandman could have been a better choice. 

So, why would a vaguely famous singer songwriter/ drug addict/ prison-dodger be wanted to help a German football team that hardly anyone knows about? Let’s face it; we only know a handful of facts about Germany. It was somehow involved in a few wars, it likes sausages and it has funny names for things. How does a musician fare in all of this?

After a brief bit of investigation, it came to our attention that Pete Doherty was a fan of KFC when he lived in Germany as a child, presumably in a more sober state then he is now. As NME reports, discussions between the two parties have been underway to make this odd arrangement happen:

The singer’s manager, Adrian Hunter, confirmed that the club have approached Doherty about calling at the stadium during the band’s European tour next week, indicating that the star would help out if he had the time.  

While every girl will hear this and say “Aww Pete is so kind, his heart is just filled with love and kindness. He only wants to help people and make them happy. How can you write such horrible things about him?” we just want to ask one question: What exactly will his presence bring to help the cause?

Maybe he can donate a sneaky supply of drugs to the players to help them develop some sort of superpower that will speed them up the league as their fans jump and shout in a state of pure ecstasy. Thus, more people will attend the games and more money will be generated.

Or, more realistically, he’ll stand on top of a bus, do a drab acoustic number and fuck off back to the Albion or whatever he calls home these days. Up the KFC!  

Read more:

Pete Doherty called on to rescue troubled football club – NME