football - HecklerSpray

David Beckham Says His Children Are Proud Of His 20ft Testicles

February 22nd, 2012 By Mof Gimmers

When you look at your parents, are you proud? If you are, you shouldn’t be. They gave birth to you for a start and that’s as big a failure as it gets. However, David Beckham’s children are very proud indeed.

They should be. They live in a number of gigantic houses and will never have to work a day in their pampered little lives.

And what are they thankful for? David’s footballing exploits? Victoria’s singing career? (Hahahah! HAHAHA!) No. They are most proud of their father’s groin area, complete with 20ft ballbag! Hurray for staring at your father’s genitals!

Staring At David Beckham’s Groin Is Fine, Obviously (Unless You’re His Daughter)

February 3rd, 2012 By Mof Gimmers

Women! When you’ve stopped complaining about the negative, overtly sexual images of women in media, which breed an unrealistic body-ideal in young girls, we’d like to point you in the direction of David Beckham in his underpants.

See, ol’ GoldenNads has done a photoshoot for some undercrackers he’s flogging through dreary clothing bazaar, H&M.

A number of women have stopped worrying about the patriarchy long enough to admire Beckham’s bulge and sigh with feint arousal everytime they see it. So what does David have to say about it? Well, it doesn’t involve stuffing but it does involve his daughter.

The Amazing Transforming Shirt Of Walter Pandiani

September 26th, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

Walter Pandiani might be little more than a jobbing footballer to those of you who have actually heard of him, but from this day forward, he’ll be known as that poor, poor, sweaty bugger.

He currently plays for RCD Espanyol as a striker and has played for a bunch of other teams that you don’t rightly care about.

Anyway, El Rifle should perhaps change his name to El Desodorisante after he leaked roughly nine thousand litres of sweat out of himself during a press conference. Watch over the jump and mock away.

Harper Seven Beckham Is More Powerful Than You?ll Ever Be

September 14th, 2011 By Matthew Laidlow

A dominant role in society is something that everybody craves. As you're reading this, you\’ll be imagining who the head honcho is in your boring office job, group of friends or members in the AA club.

What kind of person becomes a leader? Is it the bloke who makes all sorts of hilarious wisecracks? Or that weird looking sod who never gets involved, but always offers sound advice?

But who cares about real life people when there are celebs everywhere! Are we concerned that we?ll never meet them after spending thousands of pounds on travel so we can gawp at them? Of course not. So who's scorching hot and who's totally not? According to InStyle the top honour has gone to someone who can't feed herself properly. Not Paris Hilton, but Harper Seven Beckham.

Badvertising: Blackburn Rovers Survive Earthquake & Celebrate With Chicken

August 7th, 2012 By Michael Park

This week’s Badvertising was half-written until something dropped through our mould-covered letterbox that was so awful, it couldn’t be left alone for a week. We subsequently scrunched up the previous Badvertising and set it alight, after all this incumbent piece was so sickening to watch that we felt as though we’d been eating another of Matthew Laidlow’s “special curries”.

Let’s give you a little bit of the history, shall we? Way back in Tudor times, men used to place a ball in the- no, you’re right, we’ll bring it up to date a bit. Last year, English Premier League club Blackburn Rovers were bought by an Indian company called Venky’s.

Venky’s sells chicken products and are therefore the perfect company to buy a team of perenially dull under-achievers with all the personality of a really weak stock.

Ashley Cole Has Had Some Flings Because He Definitely Likes Women More Than Men

July 21st, 2011 By hecklerspray staff

Cheryl Cole must be practising her best disappointed / all out of love face in the mirror again, because on again, off again, on again, off again, on again (off again?) ex-husband Ashley Cole is facing fresh allegation that as a single man he has slept with a lady or two, you know, cause he likes women and their vaginas.

After their divorce last year Cheryl has been linked to bleached blonde, male dancer Derek Hough (it might be fair to say she has a type) while Ashley has been free to run around playing with his phone and shooting work experience boys with air rifles. How manly of him.

It must have been this display of pure brute macho-ism that attracted Chezza back to Ashley, she is, after all, from Newcastle; and naturally the papers have been rife with rumours of weddings and babies and other things to distract people from the fact that golden girl Cheryl has been sacked from not one, but two major television shows in the space of a week.

Badvertising: Carlsberg & The Feats Of Human Endeavour

August 7th, 2012 By Michael Park

Beer. Lager. Come on folks. We all love a nice cool, refreshing lager after a hard day sitting in the bedsit, angrily hacking words into our typewriters but lager advertising is notorious for playing up to ‘laddy’ stereotypes or generally misrepresenting the product as being anything more than yellow piss-water that no-one in their right mind would splash out three quid on.

Beer advertising is a minefield. On the one hand you have pressure from the public saying “GIVE US MORE BOOZE AND GIVE US IT CHEAPER!” and on the other there is pressure from regulators and central government saying, “DON’T GIVE THEM MORE BOOZE, THEY KEEP HITTING EACH OTHER ?WITH BROKEN BOTTLES!”

Under such pressure it is difficult to encourage people to consume the product in quantity which, make no mistake, is exactly what alcohol manufacturers want you to do. The more you buy, the more they sell to pubs, clubs, supermarkets and off-licenses.

Cheryl Cole Wants Kids, Ashley Cole Wants To Get In The Glossies Again: Win, Win Right?

July 4th, 2011 By Michael Park

Many of the UK’s “press outlets” have been reporting the reunion of Cheryl “Beat up a woman in a toilet” Cole and Ashley “shot a work experience kid with an air gun” Cole today.?This is, to the tabloids, a moment on par with the a renunion of Big Ears from Noddy & the ‘Queen of Hearts’. To readers of The Sun, that’s pretty much what this is.

Of course, hecklerspray would be remiss in its duty as the last bastion of celebrity “commentators” if we didn’t scream our glassy-eyed opinion straight down the smoking barrel of the internet straight into the faces of people who either adore the couple on a level that is painful and embarrassing or hate them in equal measure. You might be wondering what our collective opinion of the couple is; wonder on readers. Wonder on.

With newspaper reports suggesting that Cheryl will walk down the aisle with Ashley once again, speculation has surfaced as to what their intentions are.

Ant & Dec Ignite Vicious Turf War

March 17th, 2011 By Michael Park

LET’S GET READY TO RHUMBLE! Supposedly hilarious Geordie duo Ant and Dec have put their fists where their mouths are and challenged the entire world to a fight.

After Ant (PJ) was attacked in a pub earlier this week for allegedly insulting the presenters of OK! TV for being “lobotomised scum-weasels”, Declan Donnelly (Duncan) has come out in support of his embattled friend with unusual vigour.

The BAFTA-winning ‘cheeky’ pair who are renowned for peddling inane, mawkish drivel to ITV’s dribbling weekend audience have seen their fair share of adversity since being plucked from the ganglands of Byker Grove in the early 1990s and have been implicated in multiple incidences of arms dealing and drug smuggling as well as extortion of charities.

Front Side Of Ant McPartlin’s Face Meets Boney Part Of Man’s Hand

March 10th, 2011 By Randy Figgins

Is there anything more delightful of an evening than a beer and some unwarranted violence?? Of course not, it’s what makes us British.? Tea, banging on nostalgically about the blitz and fighting in pubs, are as quintessentially British as having Prince Charles play national anthem on a kazoo while you shave a Union Jack into your pubic hair. Rule Britannia!

Something else quintessentially British is Ant and Dec.? No other country in the world would embrace a couple of midgets from the third world (Newcastle) whose main talent seem to be that you can never figure out which is which.

Although, we’re going to have to figure it out now.