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Cheryl Cole Hates America And Simon Cowell But Loves Girls Aloud

by Mof Gimmers

We live in a world that is dominated by girl groups… and it really is fantastic. Rock is pretty much dead in the water, filled with bloated, self-worthy fellas with guitars peddling pedestrian, plodding pish. The girls meanwhile are making fun, Friday night records. Apart from Adele. And now that Cheryl Cole has been ‘freed’ [...]

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Simon Cowell Is As Good As A Dead Man To Cheryl Cole

by Mof Gimmers

One of the odd things that surrounds Cheryl Cole, is people’s propensity to note that she was working class. It is supposed to be a negative that she’s a chav who got lucky – like that’s a bad thing. It is unfortunate then, that she’s now indulging in a playgroup scrap with Simon Cowell, indeed [...]

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Paula Abdul Hates Cheryl Cole And Her Clothes

by Joanna Bolouri

Here at hecklerspray, there are just two things guaranteed to make us deliriously giddy. One is watching the munchkin scene from The Wizard of Oz, where they’re all dead happy and singing about death, making us truly believe that all tiny people singing people are filled with love for each other.  The other is Justin [...]

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Simon Cowell Is Sorry About Cheryl Cole, But Still Refuses To Fasten More Buttons On His Shirt

by Mof Gimmers

Simon Cowell is pulling a sad face at the moment. Well, he’s trying to. The front bit of his head seems strangely immovable these days doesn’t it? It’s like a taut sausage, waiting to be popped with a fork. This is not a call to stab Cowell in the face should you see him. Where [...]

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Has Cheryl Cole Been Unceremoniously Dumped From X Factor USA For Perfectly Understandable Accent?

by Mof Gimmers

America has a huge variety of accents, from the baffling Boston garble, to the irritating Valley speak, not to mention the bizarre voices you hear in the Deep South. Sadly, America also has lazy earholes and can’t be bothered learning how to adapt to any European accents. And this could well be the reason that [...]

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Javine Wants Someone Who Can Actually Sing On X Factor (So She Can See What A Proper Singer Looks Like)

by Mof Gimmers

Remember Javine Hylton? No? She’s the girl famous for being called a ‘slag’ by Jamelia on Nevermind The Buzzcocks. Yeah. You vaguely recall that? Well, elsewhere, Javine has knocked uglies with MC Harvey, not won Eurovision and not won Popstars: The Rivals. Basically, there’s very little of note about her, apart from her curious teeth. [...]

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Cheryl Cole Really Doesn’t Want To End Up Like Paula Abdul (Who Does?)

by Mof Gimmers

Cheryl Cole is having a gay old time in America with her career going rather well. He’s got massive hair, a huge salary, gleaming teeth and sunny weather! What more could a young successful woman honestly ask for? Love, you berk. Everybody, as the song says, needs somebody. And with that, Wor Cheryl is looking [...]

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Cheryl Cole Booed For Reasons Other Than Terrible Hair

by Joanna Bolouri

Cheryl Cole has finally ‘arrived’ in America and we’re genuinely happy. Not for her you understand, we couldn’t give two hoots what she does, we’re just happy that we’re not within punching distance anymore. However, despite living off baby food in some odd attempt to get thinner and mistakenly asking her hairdresser for a big [...]

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Jennifer Lopez Hasn’t Been Subjected To Cheryl Cole Yet

by Matthew Laidlow

We haven’t seen much of Jennifer Lopez recently. We tried shouting her name every night through the broken windowpane in our rancid bedsit, but we’ve had no success – only letters telling us to pipe down before someone rips out our vocal chords with a butter knife. Suddenly it dawned on us as to the [...]

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Cheryl Cole Is Stressed And Eating Sandwiches With Her Mouth

by Joanna Bolouri

Here at the hecklerspray hovel we’re really happy. In fact we’re so deliriously chipper, we’re like the Von Trapp family, with our editor Mof playing a bearded Julie Andrews and making us all clothing from curtains the last tenant threw up on. So we’d have no idea what it’s like to be stressed, unlike that [...]

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