9 - The best and worst Christmas songs ever. Each of them, in its own way, is magical – Metromix

8 - 100mph train crash test - YouTube

7 – Delicious food that might kill you - Asylum

6 - Disgusting food that won’t. Genuine request: does anyone know where we can buy these? – Flickr

5 - 10 safe for work sexual fetishes to spice up your tonight – Booshmagazine

4 - Not really gamey enough for a Slackerjack, yet still weirdly satisfying – 4mations

3 - Teddy bears in space. Either very cute or very, very lonely – Dailymail

2 - Creepy Santas. Barricade your chimneys - OMGlists

1 - A ROBOT made of LEGO that can solve RUBIK’S CUBES? This is THE FUTURE! - I Am Bored

9 - Want to make a cantilever chair out of cardboard? OK! – Instructables

8 - Disgusting food that costs more than your house - Neatorama

7 - The true spirit of Christmas, in charming animated form - Drawn

6 - Use Gmail? Google is giving away FREE STICKERS! – Lifehacker

5 - The internet in action: man takes picture, ends up in Iron Man - Adactio

4 - Disturbing puppets! Yay! – Toplessrobot

3 – 10 ways to waste lots of money - Kontraband

2 - Things we wish we had the time to do: make a giant Mario scene out of drawing pins – Thetanooki

1 – ‘Evander Holyfield Claims His Quest For Severe Brain Damage Keeps Him Fighting’. Oh, The Onion. Marry us - Theonion

On Sunday Britney Spears got to take her children out of California for the very first time since she lost custody of them. And that’s the exact moment that her two-year-old son Jayden James decided to get hospitalised for an allergic reaction to something he ate. Apparently kids don’t take too well to eating shards of broken Lego bricks wedged between slices of frozen animal piss. Who knew?

Oh, we’re joking – Britney Spears’ son wasn’t hospitalised for anything Britney did, and he’s now been released. In fact, we get the feeling that he only went to hospital because all the men in white coats reminded him of when he used to live with mummy.

There’s just something about Britney Spears, isn’t there? It doesn’t matter what she does, she just can’t quite seem to achieve total across the board happiness. The happiness of Britney Spears’ marriage was ruined when she realised that her husband was a cornrowed redneck waste of skin. The happiness that should have accompanied the freedom of her divorce was shattered when it properly sent her mental.

And now this. Britney Spears might be on the brink of a full-scale professional comeback with her Womanizer song doing so well and her next single Kill The Lights looking set to do the same because it’s basically the exact same song, but that hasn’t stopped something genuinely upsetting from happening in her private life.

Last weekend marked the very first time that Britney Spears was allowed to leave California with her children since she lost custody of them to Kevin Federline earlier this year. It was Britney Spears’ big chance to prove that – after the dangerous driving and the skull fractures and all the rest of the frenzied crap that resulted in Britney Spears losing them in the first place – she could actually be trusted around her children.

And then one of them wound up in hospital. Whoops.

It was reported yesterday that Jayden James, the youngest of Britney’s kids, had a seizure and was rushed to hospital. Luckily, though, that diagnosis has now been downgraded to ‘allergic reaction’, and Jayden James has now been discharged. Newsday reports:

Jayden James, 2, was admitted to the Southwest Mississippi Regional Medical Center on Sunday after having “a reaction to something he ingested,” a representative for Spears’ family said in a statement, according to The Associated Press.  The hospital is near Spears’ home in Kentwood, La., where she was reportedly staying with family.

Although ’something he ingested’ sounds worryingly vague, we’re positive that whatever it was had nothing to do with Britney Spears’ state of mind or skills as a parent. We just hope that this ends here – after all, if Jayden James realises that he can get some time away from Kevin Federline and Britney Spears by going to hospital, God knows what he’ll do to get back there next week.

Hecklerspray strongly recommends that you get down to your nearest jewellery shop and buy up all the crosses you can buy. Or if you don’t have much cash, go down to your nearest church and see what you can pick up.

You see, it could be the end of the world as we know it. For years, Christians have battled against evil and told us that one day Satan will rise up to do battle with us all. This has finally happened as Jessica Alba has unmasked herself as the evil lord of the underworld. And she’s a girl, who’d have thought that? So repent now people! Or just give Jessica a biscuit. That’d probably do it as well.

But how could this be? Is Jessica Alba really the demonic figure that we all feared or laughed at during cameo appearances in South Park with his lover Saddam Hussein? We just thought that Jessica was another pretty young thing who sent everyone into a loved-up trance. Remember her in Sin City? It was a struggle getting out of the cinema after watching her jiggle around like a jelly with a vibrator inserted into it.

The only possible explanation we can come up with for her becoming an evil beast is her recent birth. You know, the one where it made her all icky and a bit heavier. Somehow, during the birth, something in the universe must have clicked and turned Jessica Alba in to the cruellest person alive.

Soon we expect her to have thousands of 666s tattooed across every available bit of her skin. She’ll also get a lot of work from crap horror director Rob Zombie as she stars in films where zombies and random evil creatures come to eat fluffy rabbits.

But don’t panic just yet! All is not lost! You see, Jessica Alba only tuens into the devil because of something about food. She told Now magazine:

“I used to be a just a coffee for breakfast, yogurt for lunch girl. Now I have to have something every couple of hours. I turn into Satan if I don’t eat.”

You heard the girl, fill her up with food! Raid your cupboards for anything that will fill her appetite. It doesn’t matter what, just do it! Prunes, creamed corn or even spam, she’ll guzzle it down like drunks do with kebabs.

Even Kofi Annan has a plan. He told hecklerspray:

“We are flying Jessica Alba to an island just off the coast of New York. There she will be tied down and fed round the clock by a team of people whose sole job is to shovel food down her gullet. Each day, vans will make collections around the world to pick up unwanted food or leftovers. These will be transported immediately to the island for her consumption. This epidemic is being taken more seriously than global warning, knife crime and the person who stole my hat.”

Phew! Panic over everyone, it seems the UN is here to save the day. We don’t have to worry about ourselves being sacrificed or the blood of our families being drunk for Jessica Alba’s pleasure.

Just in case Jessica Alba doesn’t get the food needed to keep her human, though, we’re off to see the local priest to see if he’ll give us a clean slate. Hopefully even he can forgive us about that time with the cucumber…

Oh goodness, no. Haven't you people learnt that this Britney Spears malarkey is going to go on forever yet? Forever. Mark these weary words.

Anyway, the new piece of Britney Spears nonsense is that Britney's mother Lynne Spears claims that Britney's manager Sam Lutfi used to grind up drugs and mash them into Britney Spears' food. Plus he hid her dog once, the big bloody bastard.

It looks like we'll just have to face it – even though Britney Spears is going to spend the next week and a half secluded to the point of being strapped to her bed in a padded room, it's not going to stop people from hitting us over the head with stories about her again and again until she's released and can go back to sobbing on pavements in front of photographers where she belongs.

But despite all this, occasionally the odd interesting Britney Spears story leaks out. No, we're not talking about Britney's Dad getting legal conservatorship of her estate – that's literally about as boring as things can get – we're talking about Britney's manager Sam Lutfi grinding up drugs and sprinkling them all over Britney Spears' food.

That's what Britney Spears' mother Lynne Spears claimed in a restraining order she's taking out against Lutfi, anyway. The Los Angeles Times reports:

Britney Spears' friend and manager exerted near-total control over the singer, cutting her phone lines, taking away her cellphone chargers, disabling her vehicles and grinding up pills to place in her food, Spears' mother alleges in a restraining order she sought against the man. Sam Lutfi also allowed paparazzi to parade through the singer's kitchen and hid Spears' dog from her, Lynne Spears alleges. Lynne Spears said Lutfi told her, "You'd better learn that I control everything."

Sounds shocking, we know – especially when you remember that Sam Lutfi once allegedly advised a friend on the best way to commit suicide – but let's be sensible for a moment. There's a chance that Lutfi was acting out of desperation, because the drugs he was apparently grinding up were Britney's anti-psychotic pills rather than, say, fist-sized balls of heroin doused in sizzurp.

Having said that, Sam Lutfi is also accused of hiding Britney Spears' dog, and that's a crime worse than murder. If you hide Britney's dog you leave her with nothing to clutch when she has a disturbing sobbing roadside meltdown in front of the world's media. Leave her arms free during these episodes and Britney will try to gouge her eyes out or jab forks into plug sockets or pick her bum and smell it. Sam Lutfi should know better than that.

But at least Lynne Spears' restraining order was successful – Sam Lutfi can't go within 250 yards of Britney Spears any more. And he was undoubtedly the cause of Britney's downward spiral – it certainly didn't have anything to do with Lynne Spears herself. She's a great mother. She even wrote a book about what a great mother she is.

Seriously, ask anyone and they'll tell you what a good mother Lynne Spears is. Not her daughters, though – one's locked up in a nuthouse and the other one's too busy being a pregnant schoolgirl to reply. But anyone else.

Read more:

Britney Spears' mom says manager controlled the singer – LA Times