God, it’s been an exciting week, hasn’t it? All that meth and all those Curly Wurlys you’ve been eating. Your excitement has literally burnt through your eyes so you can fully necessitate new levels of awesome and amazingness and degenerative myopia.
Now to top it all off, it’s Boot Camp on the X Factor. It’s like all those wars and murders and hurricanes never really happened, when you think about it.
And hey! All that pesky retrograde amnesia we all happen to suffer from can be such a bother sometimes, can’t it? Thank the stars for ITV1, that they cater to our whims and remind us about what happened on every single X Factor episode (except for anything that could prove the continued existence of Kate Thornton) at the start of every new show. It’s just ever so helpful, because nothing really solves a problem like Maria brain trauma like an X Factor double bill as we always say.
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Whether we like Florence and the Machine or not is a moot point. For the record, we don’t… but since when did you ever listen to us? Never. So if you like Florence and the Machine, then you might not only be profoundly deaf, but also, interested in this free download they’re giving away.
Of course, Flo & Co are giving music away to celebrate the fact that they’ve been nominated for Video of the Year and Best Rock Video at MTV’s VMA Awards for the track ‘Dog Days Are Over’.
You fans can vote for Best Rock Video and Video of the Year from now till Aug 24 over at MTV’s website. This, presumably, counts as some kind of bribe… but you probably don’t give a fig as you’re getting free music out of the deal. Read More >>>
You’ve heard Florence and the Machine right? Of course you have. Every single time you turn the television on, you’re likely to hear the caterwaul yelping of their dreadful cover of You Got The Love. In fact, you can’t move without hearing it.
The government is planning on making it mandatory listening. Every time you open your eyes in the morning, a small speaker installed in your house will be activated by motion detectors and blast the screeching pop hit in your face. Many believe that this move is to see suicide rates rocket and thereby ‘keep the numbers’ down in our fair isle’s attempt to reduce the collective carbon footprint (so don’t use the rubber hose/exhaust pipe method for Christ’s sake!)
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Separating the sweet, juicy flesh from the stone and skin of this week’s major label releases.
You may have heard that Michael Jackson, King Of Pop and Prince Of Perverts, moonwalked off this mortal coil recently. Or you may not; for all we know, you could be a clam surviving in a deep ocean vent on a diet of plankton and whale poop. But then you wouldn’t be reading this, unless there’s some seriously freaky evolution going on down there, away from the eyes of humanity.
This is getting confusing: Jacko’s dead, but the world is still producing music. It’s your mango!
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