It’s that time of the week once more where you get texts from distant relatives and Facebook friends you decided it was acceptable to dole out your mobile number to.

They are texting you because they know that you will be slinking back to a cold flat alone after work and they want your Orange Wednesday so they can go to the cinema with their real friends. You might not be invited, but you’re also not using it are you?

We know that you don’t want to cry all night so we’re going to let you watch some of the trailers for the films they might be watching this week then you can be part of the team (which you’re not because as we all know there’s no ‘I’ in team.)

You don’t know anyone in real life that would go and watch George Lucas make a mockery of his already fairly ridiculous franchise.

However, you do know lots of people on the internet that are outraged by this 3D travesty.

Jar Jar Binks in 3D, just think!

We all noticed Ewan McGregor has a rat tail and we’ve all seen The Matrix here right? Good, moving on.

Remember Ronseal? Well it told you exactly what it did on the tin. Man On A Ledge is the Ronseal of the film industry and that’s the only plot synopsis you’re getting.

As far as everyone involved here is concerned you’re five quid up because you just realised that you’ve now seen a slightly less attractive than usual Sam Worthington stood on a ledge while the rest of New York and Ed Harris’s horrible eyes throw a parade. They just love a parade in that city.

You thought you locked the doors and you thought you were safe, but then we brought this horrifying spectacle, peck dance included and streamed it live in your living room, the worst bit is that you clicked that link all by yourself.

Christ did you all see Michael Caine or did we just hallucinate that bit?  The logistics of Michael Caine and The Rock being in a film together are the reason the phrase ‘logistical nightmare’ exists. It’s fun to watch The Rock pretend he knows what ‘emasculating’ means and then that he is capable of that emotion.

All the moralistic and cultured members of the general public will probably be wanting to go and watch a film called Carnage by a man who can’t go to America because he’s wanted for almost definitely raping a 13-year-old girl many, many years ago; isn’t voyeurism fantastic?

It’s based on a play and is set entirely in one room where four ‘adults’ will deduce who is the best at throwing a hissy-fit. They’re obviously all obnoxiously good actors and they’ll be acting the pants off of this.

If you still feel like you’re missing out then we do apologise, but we can only go so far to make your lonely existence fulfilling and entertaining. Have you tried ringing Samaritans?

In fairness to Michelle Williams, she really does have a brilliant haircut. However, you don’t want to hear us being nice about a woman’s barnet. You want us to be snarky and nasty. Don’t worry reader, it’s coming.

See, as good as Williams’ hairdo is, it’s still weird. Chilling in fact.

You see, her hair isn’t a fashion statement. She’s not thinking ‘Hell, I really like this Mia Farrow thing I’ve got going on‘, but rather, her hair is a memorial. You heard. It’s a tribute to the dead. She’s got corpse loving hair.

Apparently, Williams’ daughter – Matilda – wants her to grow her hair, but that’s not happening. Even if Matilda waltzes in fury about it, pounding her tiny little fists on her giant bed, shouting ‘…BUT ALL THE OTHER MOMS HAVE LONG LADY HAIR! NOT LIKE YOU AND YOUR SHORT BOY HAIR! I HATE IT! I HATE IT! I HATE YOU!’

That’s how celebrity offspring talk, isn’t it?

However, Michelle has an immense guilt-trip to beat all tantrums.

In an interview with Elle, Michelle said that the only people that like her haircut are “gay men and my girlfriends” and that straight men “across the board are not into this hair!”

She explains:

“I cut it for the one straight man who has ever liked short hair, and I wear it in memorial of somebody who really loved it…”

She’s talking about Heath Ledger. Remember that guy? He died and instantly became a much better actor.

“I feel like myself with short hair. And it’s been a really long time since I had long hair, five years.”

“What Matilda would love is for her mum to grow out the cropped hair. Though that’s unlikely to happen any time soon.”

GOT THAT? She’s still grieving AND she has a cool haircut.

NOW RACK OFF.

Unless you’re pointing out that she is happy to cover her touching tribute with a wig when she’s playing Marilyn Monroe, in which case, SHUT UP ANYWAY.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or join our Facebook group if anyone is still daft enough to use it

Marilyn Monroe is a godsend for people who can’t be truly bothered to think of someone who is really beautiful. She’s short-hand for good looking and, mercifully for her legacy, she died too young so we didn’t get to see the ravages of time mess up that face of hers.

Of course, Monroe was quite the wit too, helping thousands of lazy people to avoid thinking of their own excuses for being flaky, and so they simply cut and paste ‘I’m selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can’t handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best,’ on to their terrible blogs.

And now, we’re about to get Monroemania all over again as the promo for Michelle Williams turn as Norma Jean begins with the trailer for ‘My Week With Marilyn’… and yep, we’ve got the trailer over the hump. Can Williams pull it off?

Tackling one of the most famous actresses who ever lived is no easy task, but if there’s Oscars to be had, then Williams will be in with a shout as Hollywood saps totally buy into the notion that Williams totally knows the trials and pain of Marilyn’s broken heart, what with Heath Ledger dying on her.

It’s tragedy wrapped in frailty, with Monroe being passed off as some kind of damaged little thing, like some kind of Blanche Dubois from A Streetcar Named Desire.

It can’t lose, can it?

And so, all that’s left to judge is whether Michelle Williams looks enough like the star (she does) and whether she wiggles, walks and talks like her (ummm, we’ll see).

If she can pull it off, she’s in for a smash.

Anyway, here’s the trailer. Watch it and make your own minds up. We’re not wiping your rears for you all day, y’know?

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or else we’ll kill you in your sleep or join our Facebook group if anyone is still daft enough to use it or BUY ONE OF OUR STUPID T-SHIRTS OR WE’LL KILL EVERYONE YOU’VE EVER LOVED!

As any nostalgic 25 – 30 year old will tell you the mid-80s were a truly magical cinematic time for any kid to grow up in. In the wake of George Lucas’ original Star Wars trilogy, we were bombarded with a cluster of imaginative, mystical live-action fantasy adventure films, which eagerly promoted a genuine sense of mischievous fun and adventure.

Tales of typically normal excitable youngsters going on epic adventures that lifted the heart stirred the soul and haunted our dreams. But it was the palpable sense of adventure that really convinced, giving us youngsters an achievable sense of daydream adventure – long before the internet or Xbox-claimed adolescent imagination.  

Why the mid-80s? Give us another span of time where there was an equally audacious flux of films that dared to lift the lid on Pandora’s Box to capture our imagination and fiendishly tape into our most primal kiddie fears? So forget the CGI-bloated likes of Harry Potter, Golden Compass and the new Narnia adventures and let us divulge to you hecklerspray’s definitive Top 10 Cult Classic Fantasy Adventure Flicks from the Mid-80s…

1. The Goonies (1985)     

How could you possibly compile an ultimate mid 80s film tribute list without including this cult classic from Superman helmer Richard Donner? It’s the tale of a group of young suburbanites going on a (frankly ludicrous) adventure to thwart the council from demolishing their family homes by seeking hidden pirate treasure in booby-trapped underground lairs. But what makes it more believable is its incredibly gifted and likable young cast. Move over Harry Potter, these kids have charisma! With the likes of Mikey, Chunk, Mouth and Data on your team you won’t need magical powers to accomplish a distinguishing characteristic. And yes that’s No Country For Old Men’s Josh Brolin playing Mikey’s teenage brother! And who could forget The Fratellis? The archetypal kiddie movie bad guys, headed by super-bad ass (but sweet as pie in real life – if you believe the cast commentary) old trouper Anne Ramsey. And it’s got Spielberg on executive producing duties and a great cheesy but catchy Cyndi Lauper music video to go with it – what more could your young hearts ask for?        

2. Return To Oz (1985)     

We weren’t really fans of the original Wizard of Oz movie but when Fairuza Balk came waltzing along with her talking chicken Billina and C3PO-type robot companion Tik-Tok we were overwhelmed by the results. And it was fucking scary too! What with those sinister, sub-Starlight Express Wheelers skirting around, those crumbling and gruesome claymation monsters and that hideous witch Mombi, with her eerie glass cabinet selection of limitless heads. No annoying musical numbers, no cowardly lion or clumsy scarecrow, (well not until later on anyway), just a gothic nightmarish adventure with startling baroque imagery in a mysterious, distant land where you will find ham sandwiches hanging on trees and an old man modelling red slippers.    

3. Labyrinth (1986)     

In our opinion Oscar-winner Jennifer Connelly was never better than when she played the feisty 15-year-old babysitter Sarah in Jim Henson’s spellbinding adventure. David Bowie camps it up as the glamorous Goblin King, along with a slew of Henson’s imaginative puppeteer creations – and we don’t mind those catchy dance numbers either.       

4. Young Sherlock Holmes (1985)     

Anyone remember the haunting chanting of the Egyptian Rametep? The hallucinogenic stained-glass window knight that suddenly broke away from its frame to demonstrate the impressive power of early CGI? Or the opening shocker where a turkey dinner comes alive to attack its consumer? Well that’s all from this cult special effects Oscar-nominated Sherlock Holmes prequel adventure – which was subtitled (Indiana Jones style): The Pyramid of Fear. Dreamt up by early Harry Potter helmer Chris Columbus, (with Spielberg once again on producing duties), this was a notable highlight for the young cast of unknowns involved and proved a chilling sweeping and deadly adventure, a world away from the archetypal cosy Peter Cushing/Basil Rathbone movie outings.    

5. Explorers (1985)     

Explorers was the warmhearted tale of a trio of kiddie science geeks who – masterminded by computer whiz-kid River Phoenix, (debuting alongside a painfully young Ethan Hawke) – convert a junkyard carousel car into a floating capsule capable of travelling into outer space. Although looking more like a glorified wheelie bin than anything NASA would conceive the capsule is their gateway to adolescent freedom and they use it like any other teenage kids would use it: to travel the world, explore the universe and of course peep on girlies getting undressed.    

6. The Lost Boys (1987)     

“Sleep all day. Party all night. Never grow old. Never die. It’s fun to be a vampire” went the encouraging tagline to this impressionable coming-of-age puberty flick (masking as a vampire movie). The Lost Boys is about two teenage brothers who rub shoulders with a leather-clad clan of blood thirsty vampires following their relocation to a new town in sunny California. A sequel is currently in the works, (welcome back Corey Feldman as Edgar Frog), but the original still holds up today as an irreplaceable nostalgic horror fantasy adventure… and Kiefer Sutherland is still the cool kid you wanna be when your strange.    

7. Dark Crystal (1983)


Set in a dark and vast mystical world this is the penultimate moment when muppet maestros Jim Henson and Frank Oz ventured into the limitless realm of the feature film. It’s a testament to the sheer power of suspension of disbelief that we willingly surrender our soles to a land populated entirely by puppet creations, ranging from the grotesque eagle-like entities of the feared Skekses to the almost sickly sweet Gelfings. It’s not exactly ‘live-action’ but we like it.    

8. Flight of the Navigator (1986)     

This is the film that embraces the journey of a 12-year-old whizzkid who goes on a bombastic time-travelling adventure when he’s abducted by an alien space-capsule, piloted by a robot that looks bizarrely like your dentist’s examination lamp. But it’s a heck of a lot of fun even 20 years on! Hell, it’s even got a young Sarah Jessica Parker in it as an annoyingly friendly (when hasn’t she been annoying?) laboratory assistant.     

9. Highlander (1986)     

If you don’t get too distracted by Christopher Lambert’s dodgy Scottish vocals, or the ridiculously complex plot, then Highlander is still a thrilling adventure yarn to rival Flash Gordon. And just like that said sci-fi film it’s got a truly marvellous signature score by Queen. Fuck the sequels, reassert yourself with the masterly original.      

10. Repo Man (1984)     

Alex Cox’s superb science fiction film stars a young Emilio Estevez as Otto: a punk rocker who becomes the ultimate car repossession professional after helping to steal a wanted vehicle. The twist in the tale is that there’s some strange glowing object inside the boot of the car that’s got the attention of government agents and UFO enthusiasts alike. With classy support from veteran character actor Harry Dean Stanton this was the film that put the ‘punk’ into punk rocker. 

[story by Oliver Pfeiffer]