It’s quite difficult to decide what made up word successfully describes the noise after ‘Flash!’ is cried on the Queen song, but hecklerspray has gone with ‘pakow!’ and forever it will remain that way.

What is less difficult to describe is the news that Flash Gordon, polo playing (or american footballer, depending on how much stock you put in the 80s film) hero of the universe, is to make a return to the big screen. This comes across as particularly strange, following the fact that the recent Flash Gordon TV series was received in the way a crap-covered balloon given to a child with a terminal illness would be received.

Stretched analogies aside, we mean the TV show wasn’t very good. And it still isn’t, actually. But this hasn’t stopped Hollywood in their never-ending quest to rape nostalgia forever, which has frankly become such a stupidly common occurrence that we feel we should give it an official name.

Leave your suggestions below.

After winning the rights to create a movie based on the character, Sony have gone and hired a couple of writers for the remake – Matt Sazama and Burk Sharpless. Hopefully they got the gig from their names alone, but that we cannot be sure of . But when you throw in the fact that Breck Eisner is apparently directing, then, well – we have a case to make that claim, surely?

Unfortunately we are a bit neutered in the criticism we can offer Matt and Burk beyond their spectacular names, as we cannot find anything they’ve written before. Eisner, on the other hand, directed the should-be-a-war-crime that was ‘Sahara’. Which – let’s be honest here – means it’s likely going to be a big pile of poopy.

While we can’t be sure at this point, it does look like the story being pushed for will retread the ground that has been walked a dozen times before by Flash and his cohorts – Earth under attack, fly to Mongo, fight Ming, win – and this version can’t possibly have a new soundtrack devised by Queen, so what’s the point?

Will the franchise be a ‘re-boot’, akin to that of Batman? Will we see a newly-hardcore Flash Gordon fighting barefist with Ming, before setting off on some parkour-inspired chase sequence? All interlaced with CGI rife with ‘dirty cuts’?

Hecklerspray would go with: yes. That’s almost definitely what’s going to happen.

Because Hollywood has no ideas, remakes everything, forces out pointless sequels and seemingly does it all in exactly the same style – which just so happens to be whichever style is popular at the time. Philistines. Though, to be fair, a method-acted Ming would be something to savour – conquering worlds just to ‘get into character’ and generally dressing like something of a maniacal twit around town.

In fact, that sounds brilliant – make it faster, Sony.

Pakow!

Clearly, Hollywood producers were not paying attention when these words were famously uttered in Highlander – a 1986 film starring Christopher Lambert and Sean Connery, just in case you weren’t sure. How else can you explain the three shitty sequels, the two turgid TV series, the endless crap novels and the pointless cartoons that have followed it?

And, more importantly, how else do you explain why they are already planning another film?

Seriously, another Highlander film! According to Hollywood insider Script Girl, plans are afoot to resurrect the latest chapter in the immortal Connor MacLeod’s legacy.

Another one? Why? No wonder nobody wants to live forever. Hecklerspray would rather cut off our own heads with a pair of rusty scissors than be made to sit through another life-sapping sequel.

The announcement follows the news Sony’s Columbia Pictures is in early talks to acquire the film rights for another 80s hit, Flash Gordon.

According to the Hollywood Reporter last week, Breck Eisner will helm the big budget adaptation. Who? You know, the guy who did that film Sahara and a couple of episodes of Taken and The Invisible Man – but don’t hold that against him.

Obviously, the producers have as much faith in the project as we do. However, Hecklerspray has just one request: Please put Brian Blessed in it again.

Of course, both Highlander’s and Flash Gordon’s soundtracks were penned by Queen, proving the only immortal here is Freddie Mercury. Although, we are pretty sure he is turning in his grave right now.

Of course, it all goes to prove that Hollywood really has ran out of ideas. It seems no 80s film is safe. What’s next? Frankenhooker? The Toxic Avenger?

You may laugh, but there is probably some Hollywood producer writing these down somewhere.

Just remember, Hecklerspray wants a share.

Read more:

Flash Gordon Reignited by Columbia – Hollywood Reporter

Scriptgirl report 05 – Youtube