Sometimes, you hear a piece of news that changes everything. Where were you when you heard about 9/11, for example? Do you remember the exact second you heard when Brookside was being cancelled? When Osama was killed? When Slobodan Milosevic was finally taken to task for his war crimes?
But this is next level.
Simon Cowell, the man with perfectly cube-shaped hair, has announced to anyone who’ll listen (idiots) that he almost, but didn’t, put his glans into the former American Idol judge and cat botherer Paula Abdul.
You X Factor fans are a fine bunch of conspiracy theorists and when it was preemptively announced that one of the eliminated caterwaulers had been allowed back into the show, the viewing public gathered in the streets with pitchforks and torches, desperately seeking someone to pin the blame on.
When Loaded’s Man of the Year (1998-Present) Dermot announced that someone called Amelia Lily was to take her place among the X Factor elite, a lot of viewers believed that the result had already been accidentally leaked on STV’s website.
Many people who took to twitter to test the abilities of hashtag filters, thought that the early leaking of the result meant it was a fix. Cries went up and heads were expected to roll. People began looking for Simon Cowell effigies to burn in the streets as the public showed its distaste at being betrayed.
Fancy puking your ring up? Then continue reading because we’ve got an image to place in your mind that no amount of brain bleach will remove. This is the kind of thing that will haunt you ’til the day you die.
Simon Cowell has had a threesome.
Imagine that. His flaccid moobs being gently slapped by two separate ladies wearing see-through body stockings with enough hairspray to erase the protective gaseous layers on every planet in the solar system. Just think of that. His todger, flapping around to the sound of an expensive water bed while he mutters his dirty thoughts in their ears. JUST THINK ABOUT THAT.
Should you be unlucky enough to live for the next 300 years, aside from the agony of reanimation, the clawing sense of disenfranchisement with our new ape leaders and, of course, the horrible realisation that you are a disappointment regardless of the time you live in, you might be on the end of a withering aside from Simon Cowell.
That’s right. The music molester has stated his desire to live forever and ever so he can belittle people long into our dark future.
Basically, he wants to have his body frozen after his death as “an insurance policy”, where in the distant future, he can hold a talent contest between cannibalistic apes to see which one can sing the best, while reintroducing the phrase ‘this means everything to me’ and getting some monkeys to cry about being orphaned by science, and that this Whitney Houston song got them through genetic experiments.
Simon Cowell isn’t looking as old as he used to. Sure, he’s looking weirder than he used to, but that’s clearly down to American dentistry, leaving him looking like a boiled potato with some dentures jammed in.
While you may think the music mogul/overlord has been under the surgeon’s knife, well, you may well be right. We’ve no idea. We’re more interested in the news that he’s been swigging a magic potion to thwart the ravages of time.
But is it so magic that it will reverse the ageing process so much that he will return to his baby form, gurgling and filling his high-waisted trousers with liquid green crap?
Hark at this! The brand spanking new X Factor USA has finally started advertising itself and, despite shameless product placement, they’ve only gone and made an adspot that isn’t wholly awful. In fact, it’s almost charmingly witty. Although, Paula Abdul’s face takes the prize as funniest thing on the video. Anyway, here it is. Watch it with your eyes. It’s going to take over the world isn’t it?
It’s a small miracle that people who watch The X Factor and Britain’s Got Talent think it’s a level playing field, when the shows are quite clearly as choreographed as WWE events. They’re not based in competition, rather, the drama of perceived competition. They are, first and foremost, television programmes: scripted, edited to within an inch of their lives and in both hugely successful franchises.
And now, the allegation of ‘FIX!’ is being thrown around again, as if the shows weren’t hugely manipulated in the first instance. It’d be a surprise if they weren’t, but we always worked under the assumption that they were rigged, and didn’t really mind (mainly because we are part of the viewing public that don’t pick up the phone to vote in such shows, thereby, investing little more than sarcasm and occasional lust).
However, feathers are flying at the moment. That’s because a supposed Sony executive has anonymously blown the whistle on this year’s Britain’s Got Talent which claims that eerie child crooner, Ronan Parke, has already ‘won’ the show.
What has Cheryl Cole done to get such unswerving favour from Simon Cowell? Seriously. He seems absolutely determined to make a superstar of her and it can’t solely be down to the fact she’s hard working, good looking and willing to do as she’s told.
We can only imagine the horrors that lie in his undercrackers which Cheryl has been faced with in order to become his right hand woman. Are we being too cynical?
Either way, with Cowell’s help, she’s become the Britain’s pop princess, hoping to leave behind all that Ashley Cole and Smacking A Toilet Attendant In The Face business. And now, thanks to her predictably landing one of the judging jobs on the American X Factor, she’s looking like she’s going to go global.
Simon Cowell wants stuff. Feel free to replace the word stuff with ‘EVERYTHING’. He wants big houses, flashy cars, the systematic psychological destruction of vulnerable human beings for entertainment purposes and he probably wants that sandwich you had for lunch earlier. But what he really wants, more than anything the whole wide world is to launch his [...]
With The X Factor about to hit US shores (brace yourselves Americans – you won’t know what’s hit you once it gets going), every single celebrity – alive and dead – has been linked to the chairs of the judging panel. Of course, this is all great news for Simon Cowell, who is so needy [...]
Sometimes, you hear a piece of news that changes everything. Where were you when you heard about 9/11, for example? Do you remember the exact second you heard when Brookside was being cancelled? When Osama was killed? When Slobodan Milosevic was finally taken to task for his war crimes?
