Grown Up Gossip & Internet Villainy
Nick Lachey was on a late night talk show (on cable, nothing fancy) still trying to bring some relevance to himself.? Since he doesn’t get enough attention for hosting a mediocre singing competition, he decided to drudge up a little decades old fight between his band and another shitty ass group of has beens.
Oh, and I take back the line about the competition being mediocre.? Have you guys heard Pentatonix?? That a capella shit is my jam.
In a bit of shocking news, The Wanted have decided to stop making sweet heavily altered pop music together.? The British boy band that isn’t One Direction haven’t been together that long, but they managed to come out with quite a few hit tracks and at least one member slept with Lindsay Lohan.? Only one of those is an impressive accomplishment.? The other probably ended with a burning sensation while urinating.
The inner 14 year old girl in me has a soft spot for boy bands, so in lieu of yet another group of dancing stereotypes disbanding, I have put together a list of some of my other highly missed bands that have also broken up.
Ka-loo ka-lay everyone! It's almost the end of the week, and just like Lenny Henry tells us on those awful hotel adverts, it's almost time for the weekend. And what's a weekend all about? Going out, getting trashed and generally being like those pesky kids from Skins, sitting around in your pants as much as you can in 48 hours.
It's what sets us aside from the animals y?know. They can't figure out the little hole bit for willies.
It?d be remiss, and frankly irresponsible of us, as your favourite website of all time ever in the history of Google, to not keep you occupied between your next bottle of something fizzy or yeasty. It?d be like the 1994 film, Baby?s Day Out. You clearly can't be left to your own devices can you? Sometimes, just sometimes, you actually make us sorry to know you.
Life is hard for many people for much of the time. But we all deal with it in different ways. Some people take solace in religion; placing their happiness in never seeing a ghost. They?d rather have a piece of toast and watch the evening news. Those people are idiots and mediocre ’90s pop stars.
Some people turn to alcohol or narcotics, like many a disgraced celebrity or role model. Would it surprise you to hear that a member of the hecklerspray bedsit likes to drink a bath of gin before singing the chorus from ?I Know Him So Well? from the musical Chess? Would it surprise you that it's Matthew Laidlow?
Whereas some people get happy by watching television and seeing that no matter how hard life can be; unemployment is at record high, there's cruise liners capsizing and you\’ll never be good enough for your partner, but no matter how hard life can be, you\’ll still be better than the people you\’ll see on TV. Fat Pat carking it? You're better than her. Not sure which of 12 potential men is the father of your child? You're better than her. Women chef overcooked her souffles and is now having a massive breakdown? You're better than her as well.
It's not every day that someone will dedicate literally minutes of their time watching upcoming things on TV to tell you whether what they've watched is good, not so good, or the equivalent of getting your toes stapled and then having aforementioned staples removed by the blind nuns that secretly made Kate Middleton?s wedding dress while they sloppily down pints of homemade lemonade.
No-one takes the time to sit down and tell us what's actually good, and more appropriately what has the most emotional resonance and character development in it; instead it's just flash in the pan reactions to developments in the soaps or whatever drama is getting the Daily Mail?s ?we're Not Racist But…? full brief pantaloons in a twist. Or even what coke snorting gnome, Frankie Cocozza is up to. TV is important business everybody! It teaches children how to read and speak, as well as to fear larger women who have chandelier earrings and make-up like Salvador Dali.
Actually, scratch that. There's a reason no-one spends the time to dissect episodes of Outnumbered or whatever nauseating? film Channel 4 stick on at daft o?clock. It's a waste of time. So allow us, dear hecklerspray readers, to guide you through the perilous TV guide and point out what you should, or shouldn?t be watching this weekend.
Click over for our stupid Celebrity Big Brother Liveblog! Keep hitting refresh because we’re idiots who can’t work things out! HURRAY! Things kick-off around 9pm when the hard liquor kicks in!
Big Brother is back in a week’s time and some people (notably the people who work for Channel Five and Holy Moly) are getting very, very excited! However, all is not well at the BB house as our exclusive pictures show!
Pictures have been released of the new Big Brother house and many have cooed about how glamorous it looks (with others shrugging and thinking that it kinda looks like any other BB House).
However, what Endemol, makers of the show, aren’t telling anyone is that the show is danger of being cancelled after it was found that the Elstree studio has been infested with weasels!
It's been a roller-coaster week, what with red-top tabloids revealing that Charlie Sheen is DEFINITELY going into the Big Brother house only for his reps to categorically deny it and the papers going all quiet only to reveal that Pamela Anderson is DEFINITELY going in only for her reps to probably deny it as of this morning as well.
Well, we can all play that game and hecklerspray can exclusively announce the full list of within-Channel-Five-budget celebrities who are DEFINITELY going into the awful Big Brother house this year!
Although we might go a bit quiet tomorrow.
It's not fair. The prospect of Channel 5?s Big Brother is now becoming dangerously real, and here is the most concrete proof of what is set to be a terrible, terrible Autumn. Any means of escape is effectively now void.
If you try and turn the channel over, all you will find is a botched version of Kelly Rowland clapping along to a burns victim in harem pants on X Factor instead.
As if Kelly hadn?t caused enough problems in the world, she allowed more hell to be released into the ether today, when an annoyingly large number of ex-housemates turned up on a field to sing an altered version of her song ?When Love Takes Over?, to ?When Bruv Takes Over? for the new C5 trailer. It's not fair.
News just in: Brian Dowling is no longer leeching his entire TV career from Big Brother. Instead, he is now saving time by hooking himself to a drip and having Big Brother pumped into his lower digestive tract.
This is in light of the news today that himself and Emma ?My leather jacket subtly implies I enjoy rock music? Willis are to be it's new presenters when it is re-launched on Channel 5 later this year. ?Hurrah?.
And in further boring news, Emma Willis has also announced today that she had sex with Matt Willis again, and is now pregnant as a result of that. All together now! ?MAYBE DAVINA WILL LEND HER ?THE BIG MUTHA? T-SHIRT!? Ha. Very clever, everyone. Anyway, it's a moot point because she absolutely won't. Unless she's a dick. Unless Davina McCall is a dick…
