As anyone generally considered villainous or reprehensible will tell you, anytime they are in a bank vault with a money-stuffed laundry bag slung over their shoulder, the last thing they want to see is ‘the Orange Glow.’

‘The Orange Glow’ is a criminal industry term for a streaked blur that swoops in and vanquishes all evil everywhere at least once daily. Some say his true identity is a mystery – unknown even to his plus-size wife.

Other’s say it’s actually Dog the Bounty Hunter after another rejuvenating self-tan session.

Speaking of which – someone recently tried to murder him.

In an ideal world all reality TV stars would get either stabbed, shot, or mauled by a thousand geese which have somehow been weened off of duck food in favour of human flesh. It wouldn’t have to happen often – just once a season or so. Sweeps week seems like a good time to air those episodes.

Unfortunately for everybody though – this is not an ideal world. Puck was never gored by anything, Simon Cowell’s never suffered a snake attack, and New York’s mother had a deal fall through where she’d agreed to be pulled to pieces by four horses tied to her extremities. That last one was going to air on VH1, and the deal was for 15 million dollars. Its just what we heard.

One thing TV does have going for it though, at least recently, is that we can all at least watch Duane ‘Dog the Bounty Hunter’ Chapman get shot at. According to CNN:

When a fugitive fired shots at bounty hunter Duane “Dog” Chapman in Colorado Springs, Colorado, Tuesday night, cameras were rolling for his reality TV show, Chapman said. The man, later captured by Chapman’s wife and son, apologized to the Chapmans for shooting at them…[An] attempted murder charge — for shooting while fleeing — will likely be dropped because no gun was found [according to Dog].

When asked how he and his family avoided so many whizzing bullets, Chapman said only that he’d raised his huge mullet into a protective-shield mode where he and his wife his behind. Everyone else just hid behind Mrs. Chapman’s meaty leg.

All of that was very paraphrased, mind you. Or fabricated.

Well this must be a delightful change of pace for Dog. He’s got his show back since he decided not to be racist anymore. Mexico’s decided to let his rat-infested prison sentence slide a bit, and although all native Americans have made it quite clear they don’t want him crashing their tribal parties, Aborigines have given him an open invitation to tour their rain stick factories anytime he’s down under.

That’s who makes rain sticks, right? The Aborigines?

It just looks like a craft they’d be good at.

We thought so.

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Having just clawed its way out of the last gayness-related snafu it managed to stagger into, Grey’s Anatomy has inexplicably managed to slam into another one by ditching a lesbian love plot midway through, firing one of the actresses involved and fixing the other one up so that she isn’t gay any more.

What is it with Grey’s Anatomy? It’s almost as if it wants all gay people to stop watching it. And if that happened it’d probably be the end of Grey’s Anatomy, because its remaining audience demographics – the elderly, the bed-bound, the narcoleptic and the stupid – don’t really play as well with advertisers.

Gayness is Grey’s Anatomy’s Achilles heel. Everything that’s ever gone wrong with Grey’s Anatomy, at some level, has had a connection to homosexuality. Sure, a gay slur kicked off the Grey’s Anatomy actor fight of 2006, but that’s not the end of it.

Remember that the actor-fight was exacerbated by Grey’s Anatomy actor TR Knight coming out? And how it ended with Isaiah Washington doing pro-gay PSAs? And all that trouble about Katherine Heigl not appreciating the writing on Grey’s Anatomy?

(Actually, we should clear that last one up. We’re not suggesting that Katherine Heigl is gay, just that most of the time she seems like embittered gay man trapped inside a woman’s body. Again, Katherine Heigl seems like an embittered old gay man imprisoned inside a body that he can never love. Thanks.)

And, with an inevitability that borders of the illegal, Grey’s Anatomy has strayed back into the gaypit once more. This time, Grey’s Anatomy has earnt accusations of sexual insensitivity by abruptly killing off a lesbian storyline by de-gaying one of the characters and sending another off into the wilderness. E! Online reports:

Sources confirm that Brooke Smith, who plays Dr. Erica Hahn (a doctor who recently realized she is gay), has been axed from Grey’s Anatomy. I’m also told by insiders connected to the ABC series that some of the gay-themed storylines are being downplayed and even erased from upcoming scripts.

Now, we should point out that the Grey’s Anatomy executive producer has denied that anyone was fired for playing a lesbian or anything like that, and that it was down to a lack of ‘magic’ or something equally as woolly.

But, to the Grey’s Anatomy executive producer, we feel we should point out one thing in response – have you ever thought about trying to make the TV show Grey’s Anatomy as exciting as the behind the scenes headlines about Grey’s Anatomy? You really should, because this dreary old emotional crap you’re doing now really isn’t working out for us.

But for now let’s just assume that Hannah Montana made Miley Cyrus famous. It was a great set-up – Disney got hundreds of millions of dollars and Miley Cyrus got to be brought up surrounded by people all too scared to ever disagree with her, giving her dangerously false expectations for the rest of her life – but there may be trouble on the horizon.

Rumour has it that Miley Cyrus feels she’s got too big for Hannah Montana and is trying to get fired from the show. However, Disney has shot down these reports and has promised all the young fans that Miley Cyrus will remain on Hannah Montana forever. Nice try, Miley. Don’t you know that the only way to leave a creatively stifling kid’s TV show is to get pregnant? Did Jamie Lynn Spears teach you nothing?

We get the feeling that Miley Cyrus is trying to grow up and shed her teenybop image at the moment. It might not be obviously apparent, but it’s true – we’ve managed to pick up hints by observing the way that Miley Cyrus keeps taking off all her clothes, has snared herself a 20-year-old underwear model boyfriend and has curiously developed a voice that sounds like Dr Claw from Inspector Gadget.

And quite right too – just because Miley Cyrus is three years away from being able to vote or have sex and six years away from being able to drink and still lives with her parents and isn’t even allowed to go and see Tropic Thunder by herself yet, it doesn’t mean she’s a child.

But there’s one thing standing between Miley Cyrus and her dreams of maturity, and that’s her show Hannah Montana. Hannah Montana is a sensation – it has spawned a movie, sold-out tours, ten CDs, four DVDs, five videogames and 20 novelisations in two years – but it appears that Miley Cyrus might be getting a little bit sick of it holding her back.

Reports this week suggested that Miley Cyrus was going all-out to get the sack from Hannah Montana, by turning up to work late, holding up filming wherever possible and generally infuriating everyone she works with. However, leaving aside the fact that Hannah Montana makes so much money that Miley Cyrus could probably stroll into work clutching the severed head of Nelson Mandela and not get fired for it, Disney and Miley have rushed out statements to deny these reports outright. According to Reuters:

Patti McTeague, a Disney spokeswoman for the “Hannah Montana” show, told Reuters that reports of on-set turmoil were “absolutely not true, pure gossip.” “I am fully committed to ‘Hannah Montana,’” Cyrus told People, “It’s what gave me this amazing opportunity to reach out to so many people.”

Look, everyone, this united front act is nice and all, but you can drop it. If Miley Cyrus wants to leave Hannah Montana, let her.

And so what if Miley’s attempts to become a proper grown-up entertainer leave her twisting in the wind like a modern-day Dustin Diamond because she never realised that people only liked her for being in Hannah Montana? It’s not as if Miley doesn’t have other career options – we’re sure she’ll make a bucketload of money from the tragic, embittered ‘Dad, you stole my childhood’ autobiography that she’ll inevitably write before the age of 25, for example.

And Disney should think of the benefits of Miley Cyrus leaving Hannah Montana too – with her gone, it’ll be free to start up a brand new cacky kid’s sitcom with a younger, cheaper teenage star who’ll quickly get corrupted by fame and end up having bizarre opinions of herself that are far above her station as well. It’s not the end of the world by any means.

He’s successfully divorced himself from a woman who at least temporarily thought she was the devil, he’s recently gained full custody of the children he helped make with fluid that just bursts out of him sometimes, and most importantly he’s no longer obligated to play the role of Elle Woods in the upcoming Legally Blonde musical that he only just got fired from.

We think he was an understudy.

We don’t really think that. He was going to be in the thing though – in three bit roles. But then he started making all sorts of lengthy demands and the producers just had it, so they told him to stick it where the sun don’t shine in three verses and a gorgeously-rhymed chorus.

To be clear, we have no idea if Kevin Federline’s firing included a song & dance number – but he did get fired. Apparently, you see, at some point someone thought he’d make a brilliant addition to the cast of Legally Blonde the Musical. He was given three small roles – including a UPS man, a ten-foot alligator and a resurrected Michael Landon. (Landon’s heavenly self pops in as a surprise witness to help Woods clinch her big case).

We don’t know that either. Technically, the only thing we really know is what we’ve read on Star:

“Kevin Federline’s dream of becoming a Broadway star has been shattered! Britney Spears’ ex, 30, thought he had it made when producers of Legally Blonde approached him about making his theater debut in September. But now he’s back to square one. “The producers gave Kevin his walking papers,” an insider tells Star. “Kevin was acting like a Broadway diva, and he hasn’t even stepped on to the stage yet!”

Financially speaking, you still don’t have to worry about the Fed. We’ve heard he has plans to return to his job of licking strawberry frosting off the necks of middle-aged women for money, and then applying glitter on the spots where his tongue made their skin wet.

He hasn’t sunken that far yet. It’s a shame Broadway didn’t work out for him though. He’s already stretched his acting chops on one of those CSI shows, and his one fast food commercial got him universal accolades from universalaccolades.com.

And to get one of those things it costs more than just the $7.99 fee. You also have to pay postage if you want the certificate.

We know because we’ve done business with them on several occassions.

Let’s start with the good news, shall we: The entire cast of dire TV twaddle Skins are to be made redundant! Yeah! No more undeveloped twatty stereotypes with better hair than you!

That would be so sweet if it weren't for the bad news. 

The twatty stereotypical undeveloped characters are to be replaced by twattier further stereotyped undeveloped characters with even better hair. Fuck. The good news isn’t quite so good anymore, is it? Pretend you haven’t read this bit. Delete it from your brains. It hasn’t happened.

Still reading? More fool you. It gets worse:

After beginning nationwide open auditions recently and announcing that they’re on the look-out for an “Eastern European male and identical twin sisters,” executive producer Bryan Elson confirmed that all current characters will be axed.

This probably means The Cheeky Girls are going to be in the new series saying excellent dialogue such as:

“Towny, why you’re cock not werk?”

And:

“Ow fyuck my pyeriod is own. I bleed downstaars. Dis is sow like reeall lif. Let's dance for no reason.”

The rumours are true, the head of Channel Four is definitely a peanut. Unsalted. With no sense of reality. Obviously. Peanuts don’t have that generally. We’re just clarifying in case anyone from Channel Four is reading. Hi people from Channel Four! You’re dead good at telly! That would be so true if it weren’t false. So close.

The horrible news is that Bono is still alive.

Read more:

Skins Cast Axed! - Zoo