It must be awful when you’ve become so fat, so disgustingly obese, so very massive that you have you’re own blood group and that blood group is Rocky Road.

So absurdly gargantuan that the only way to way to lose weight is resort to some serious cosmetic surgery that sucks out all the little fat babies that Domino’s Pizza lay inside you and sends them to lipid Heaven.

Sounds horrible doesn’t it?

Well this is how Craig Revel Horwood, the strategically nasty Judge of Strictly Come Dancing and not much else fame is feeling every single day.

The poor man. The poor, stupidly affluent man.

After years of eating pies and living with a silver shovel in his mouth, Revel Horwood, or Super Rev if we were to believe what he tells us, has managed to not spend money on Refresher bars and gobstoppers long enough to save up £3,000 for the surgery, and a further £6,000 for the crane to carry him in and out of the hospital.

The Strictly star complained of uncomfortable chest pains and agreed to have the surgery before realising that this was how everyone felt when they saw Nancy Dell’olio for the first time.

“I couldn’t cha-cha-cha about without them jiggling in my face. I was fed up with having tits so I had them hoovered away and now I feel fabulous.”

Poor Craig Revel Horwood not being able to cha-cha-cha when he wants to. He’s such a trooper.

Gordon Ramsay has more nervous tics that One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest. He twitches, jiggles and burps ‘Uh?’ while swearing like Tourette’s bus. Why no-one has certified this man mental is quite beyond us.

And we’ve not even looked at his weird, weird face. It looks like a cliff face that’s falling into tge sea.

With that, the fact he got get on fire, it’s hard to imagine that anyone actually noticed any difference from him. He looks weird, swears a lot and cooks flesh. If you were in the next room, you’d carry on doing your crossword wouldn’t you?

All this happened while Gordo was shooting a documentary in Costa Rica about the illegal shark fin industry.

It’s here that you assume that Ramsay nearly set himself on fire while cooking some hideously dull looking meal. You’d be wrong.

See, some fishmonger’s henchman attempted to set fire to him.

How great is that? Give that henchman a Bafta!

Not talking up the incident in any way, shape or form, Ramsay told Playboy magazine:

“That was a little bit hairy… The fishmongers have these armed guards patrolling fortress-like towers, so we tried to get in and ran into a guard.

“They poured petrol all over my hair and neck and tried to set us on fire.”

So there.

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If you were ever faced with the task of cooking wrinkle faced chef Gordon Ramsay a meal, you’d probably find that it wouldn’t be up to standard. Instead of constructive criticism, a fiery Ramsay would slam into the kitchen, take you by the scruff of the neck and threaten to hack your eyes out with bread knives.

All because the carrots and mashed potatoes were touching on the plate.

Whilst our speciality of microwaved noodles fails in comparison to Ramsay’s Michelin grub, the TV cook is actually better known for his filthy mouth and bad temper. Notoriety equals an easy payday for the ‘celeb in endorsing a product. This is presumably what the people at Gordon’s Gin thought would happen, especially when someone with the same forename is believed to be a lover of said product, but this lazy marketing ploy has backfired. Sales are down and Ramsay is off!

We’re used to seeing actresses and pop stars flogging us anti-ageing moisturiser with newly discovered ingredients such as Absalieboloxs that will counteract the ravages of time. Extracted from matured bat droppings, these lotions will then be snapped up as pointless people such as Paris Hilton who can then claim it made her feel so refreshed that she felt young enough to another sex tape.

But flogging alcohol with a famous person attached? It does seem a little odd, especially in a world when we’re continually told that young people are breaking their livers every weekend when venturing out into town. But then again, the people behind alcopops haven’t asked Kerry Katona to promote their bland tasting sugary drinks, so the nations press can’t take the moral high ground just yet.

Surely gin is seen as a classier drink, like what villains drink in films? Or to put in a real life context, an ingredient to put into a fancy sounding cocktail that give little change out of a £10 note.

Adverts for the Gordon’s had shown Ramsay standing infront of a white background while gin and lime wedges are poured on to his horribly craggy head. Either this is some sort of weird way of making a cocktail, or the reaction of a consumer who just had a mouthful of the stuff. We sincerely hope that Ramsay didn’t scoop up what was on the floor and use it in a recipe, health and safety worriers would go bananas.

A spokesperson from Gordon’s gin HQ slurred:

“Gordon just doesn’t cut the mustard anymore. He is not what the brand needs and they are looking for a new, more positive direction.”

If he has been suggesting a mustard flavoured gin, then that could be a justified reason to send him on his way. He isn’t the mad scientist of the food world, Heston Whatshisface owns the crown for combining roadkill and cake together for some sort of main course.

We don’t think that Gordon Ramsay will be without a sponsorship deal for long, it’s quite likely that an ironing company might take to the challenge of making the lines on his face disappear.

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Massive news. Seriously. Forget all that News Corp guff. This is the biggie. Honest it is. We’re literally coming down with a dose of The News. Basically, Bigger Than The Beatles, Glee, is going to lose its two biggest stars.

Stars that just happened to be shaped exactly like Lea Michele and Cory Monteith. And someone called Chris Colfer.

This trio are going to make a hasty exit at the end of season three, presumably getting off before people grow tired of the show and stop watching it. Which you will. Despite what you say, you’ll soon give up on it and say “it’s not as good as it used to be”, despite the format remaining exactly the same forever and ever, amen.

So while you pathetic imbeciles wipe away your tears, everyone at Glee is trying to work out if the show can carry on without its most recognisable stars.

So why are they leaving? Well, bizarrely, it’s to do with keeping the show ‘realistic’, because of course, Glee is famed for being gritty and real.

Ryan Murphy, who created the godawful programme that continually gets away with butchering records that you may or may not like, has revealed that Rachel Berry, Finn Hudson and Kurt Hummel will all graduate at the end of the third season.

He explained:

“You can keep them on the show for six years and people will criticise you for not being realistic, or you can be really true to life and say when they started the show they were very clearly sophomores and they should graduate at the end of their senior year.”

Yup. That’s how realistic it is. Despite the fact that the cast are all averaging 40 years old or something.

“We made that decision and I involved Chris and Lea and they thought that was a good idea.

“They both trust the writing and trust me and felt that it would be great to have an open and closed experience for them to go out while they were on top.”

We can only hope the ending for them includes some kind of fireball or a New Directions obsessed mass-murderer who writes ‘Healter Skelter’ and ‘Piggies’ on the locker room wall in their blood.

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The collective stars of Glee are so clean-cut and boring that they’re almost Teflon for interest. Seriously. The only thing of note about them is when they take their tops off or cover a song which irritates pooh-poohing rock fans (the latter is always particularly funny as musos deserve everything they get).

However, this hasn’t always been the case. You see, All-American Biegeheart, Cory Monteith, used to be much more interesting.

You see, he had a drug problem in his past! In fact, so bad was his druggery that his pals thought it might kill him! So was he a ravaged heroin addict, robbing bodegas at gun-point and selling off his parent’s belongings to fund his dastardly habit?

Of course not. This is Glee and America. You only have to look at a drawing of some beer and people think you’ve got an alcohol problem.

See, this vapid, boring shit skipped school a coupla times and smoked pot. And yes, while weed can turn the most pleasant of people into one of the most irritating bores you’ll ever meet, it’s hardly PCP is it?

Cory said:

“I burned a lot of bridges. I was out of control. I had a serious problem, anything and everything as much as possible.”

Unbelievably, his mother sent him to rehab at 19 because she thought he might die. Die of boredom presumably. However, in a rare turn of fun, Cory adds:

“I did the stint but went back to doing exactly what I left off doing”

Sadly, saccharine horseshit is never far away.

“It was a cry for help. I said, ‘Yeah, it was me.’ It was the first truthful thing out of my mouth in years.”

Someone call this prick a WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHmbulance.

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We live in a world that is dominated by girl groups… and it really is fantastic. Rock is pretty much dead in the water, filled with bloated, self-worthy fellas with guitars peddling pedestrian, plodding pish. The girls meanwhile are making fun, Friday night records. Apart from Adele.

And now that Cheryl Cole has been ‘freed’ from the shackles of television and Simon Cowell, she’s now able to rejoin Girls Aloud to once more make quirky, witty pop. Which is a relief.

She’s looking forward to it too, saying that she’s “glad” not to be a part of The X Factor circus anymore. And with a GA comeback afoot, she can drum up some publicity by taking needless swipes at everyone. Aaaah, it feels good to write this hackneyed old crap again.

Apparently, Cheryl has told chums (or as they’re known in the press, ‘sources which have never met the person who is being written about’):

“I’m actually really happy not to be on the show now. It was definitely the right decision for me,”

“I was so badly mucked around by Simon and everyone involved. I don’t want that in my life any more. I’m better off without it.”

She reportedly added:

“I’ll make my own decisions now and not have to be dependent on someone else. I’ve moved on. I’m loving being home and being back in Britain. It feels right for me right now.”

“Nobody realises this but I never actually had this great dream to break the States. It was Simon who encouraged me to take the job there. If I never come famous in America then that’s fine with me.”

And this is all because Girls Aloud are coming back in 2012. Nicola Roberts is, of course, creating something of a storm with her new single, Beat Of My Drum, which isn’t actually as great as everyone claims, rather, being an example of a pop star who everyone is rooting for thanks to a refreshing lack of ego and a will to make immediate, vaguely quirky pop. Nadine Coyle could learn some lessons in humility from ol’ Nicola.

So once Roberts has wrapped up her promos, Cheryl will be waiting at camp GA, stating that she’d arranged to rejoin the group and isn’t one for going back on her word….

“I always keep my promises, unlike some people.”

“I’d never go back on my word. I always honour my ­commitments, unlike some people I know. I keep my ­promises.”

Hear that Simon? Of course you didn’t. You’re too far up a former Pussycat Doll’s arse to hear anything at all. Either way, it’s looking likely that Girls Aloud will be making an appearance at the opening on the London Olympics in some way, which is just brilliant news.

And no, we’re not being sarcastic.

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America has a huge variety of accents, from the baffling Boston garble, to the irritating Valley speak, not to mention the bizarre voices you hear in the Deep South. Sadly, America also has lazy earholes and can’t be bothered learning how to adapt to any European accents.

And this could well be the reason that Cheryl Cole has been replaced by Pussycat Doll Nicole Sherzinge weeks before the show airs.

Of course, Cole has been a vaguely controversial choice for a judges chair on the show, basically because she’s a relative unknown Stateside, and there have been concerns over the fact that Cheryl has a Geordie accent. However, it would appear the lack of chemistry with Paula Adbul could be the reason, despite the fact it is nigh on impossible to get a rapport going with someone who has all the vitality of a euthanised Basset Hound.

Cole was supposed to star alongside Simon Cowell and LA Reid, despite her regional accent. She, however, insists that it hasn’t ever really been a problem over there.

“Americans can always understand me. I’ve been here a lot, I’ve got a lot of American friends and we have the odd moments where they’re like ‘What? What did that mean?’ – you know, a phrase.”

“But I think that it’s going to be something that people get used to. And I’m proud of my accent.”

You have to remember, one of the thickest popstars in history, will.i.am of The Black Eyed Peas, can understand Cheryl Cole perfectly well, unless he’s simply been nodding politely for the past coupla years he’s known her (not impossible, granted).

But whatever. Fox and Cowells representatives don’t want to talk about the rumour that Cheryl’s been fired from the show, which probably means she hasn’t been handed her P45 at all and this is all excellent hype building for a show that could well take over America completely.

$5million to the winner too.

Oh, and if you’re wondering where all the jokes got to, you have to remember that we wrote all this while doing a poor impression of a Geordie accent. Idiots. Do we have to wipe your asses too?

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Hey! Adults! Like watching children’s programmes filled with hideous, soul-sapping, nine million part harmonies, systematically destroying all those pop songs you love? Then, chances are, you like watching Glee and consider yourself to be a member of the corporate-designed clan of The Gleek.

Well, for people like us who like laughing at people like you, we’ve got some wonderful news! Glee is no longer going to be on your television.

That’s right, Glee won’t be shown on E4 after parent company Channel 4 decided to walk away from negotiations for the forthcoming series, leaving the show to Do A Richard & Judy. That basically means that it’ll slope off toward the blank chequebook of Sky, watched on television by a scant handful of people, leaving those who can really be bothered to stream it illegally online. Essentially, the show is about to die, which is brilliant news.

Sky have apparently offered more than double the amount Channel 4 coughed-up for the first two seasons, which means that, if you don’t want/can’t afford a Sky subscription, you can kiss Glee’s candy-arse goodbye and mourn the days when you’d sit before your television, agog, while pneumatic Americans destroyed entire back-catalogues of music in one felled swoop.

But Jane Lynch is pretty cool.

Of course, Channel 4 are trying to put a positive spin on it all, noting that Glee’s greed is the broadcaster’s gain. By not renewing the show, it will free up “huge amounts”, leaving them to focus on “home-grown programming, British talent and… continuing to discover and showcase what the US has to offer”.

So basically, that means throwing money at spectacularly unfunny humans like Kevin Bishop then.

Oh, let us not forget that Channel 4 has also secured the rights to the US version of Danish crime drama The Killing, which naturally, is the same target audience as the slack-jawed dimwits who like watching young men and women wearing vest-tops while being in the world’s uncoolest choir.

Gleeks – it might be time to consider getting a life.

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Take one look at the folks who star in Glee, and you just know that they’re the most criminally dull, healthy living, good Christian Americans that could bore a factory filled with glass eyes into a Rip Van Winkle coma, forever.

That said, behind the dozy eyes of Apple Pie celebrities, you imagine that they get up to the most debauched, sordid filth imaginable, right? Look at the alumni of Disney. They’re the dirtiest pigs on Earth.

However, Lea Michele and Matthew Morrison have gone and delivered the backstage gossip on the Glee cast and it is woefully dull.

Basically, they’ve come forward to shatter all of our illusions about the joys of fame and insisted that no-one in the cast has ‘hooked-up’ with each other.

Despite the fact that the pair have been romantically linked in the past, not to mention plenty of other rumours about various cast members knocking their uglies together, apparently, these stories just aren’t true. This leaves us with the impression that they simply stand around, staring into the middle distance and occasionally breaking the tension with forced high-fives.

Lea Michele says:

“(The public) thinks that everyone is sleeping with everyone. We spend every minute of every day together, and when we’re finished we all go out to dinner, so of course they think we’re hooking up.”

“I’m thankful that it doesn’t happen. If people hooked up, there’d be awkward tensions.”

Yes! Awkward, bubbling, sexual tension! That’d be fantastic! Imagine the fun of it all spilling out in interviews with Glee people dry humping table legs while others start swearing and slapping everyone with undiluted, seething jealousy! It would be fantastic!

Matthew Morrison feels even weirder about it all.

“I think it’s funny… but it’s a little embarrassing because they’re supposedly my students. I hear a rumor of me hooking up with one of them and I’m like, ‘Eeeww!’”

“I once dated someone that I was in a show with and these things never end well. It’s best to keep it professional.”

BOOOOOOOOOOOORRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRING!

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What do you want most in life? Your two front teeth? Get lost. We’re not dentists. You’ll get what you’re given and show fake gratitude. And your present is the grisly prospect of Glee: The Movie. That’s right. A hundred shrill voices in unison, pumping out of a cinema PA at skin searing volume.

What more could you ask for in life, other than a no frills package holiday to Dignitas?

So what will this Glee movie entail? Will it be exactly like the series, only longer, more expensive looking and featuring more cameos? Or do the Glee kids indulge in a bit of Spring Break boozing and lesbianism in the name of getting some cheap beads while the lads chest bump and fall to the floor, shirtless in a Women In Love embrace?

Of course not. Glee has less teeth than a D-Day reunion.

Alas, the film that we’ll all be subjected to at some point will be a concert movie based on the ‘Glee Live’ tour is to be released in cinemas in August. You can thank Justin Bieber for reviving that particular brand of film after he forced cinema staff to cower at the shrieking Beliebers, tearing each other limb from limb as they tried to get their tiny little hands on a pair of Never Say Never purple 3D glasses.

Naturally, this Glee film will do rather well on the silver screen as it has been a massive ratings winner for Fox, and of course, infecting the pop charts with its many, many releases.

Further to this, someone is being killed off in the show.

Matthew Morrison – who plays teacher Will Schuester (you knew that, you disgusting pleb)- recently said that a character will die at the end of this series.

“Somebody’s dying. Obviously I’m not going to tell you who it is, but it is no-one you would probably expect.

“The episode right before the finale is called ‘Funeral’. We were actually at a funeral home yesterday, shooting all day. It was a very taxing day.”

Try actually working with cadavers all day you preening, lisping thesp!

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Fleetwood Mac are more soap opera than band. They’ve taken so much cocaine that even listening to one of their LPs will erode your septum, leaving you looking like Michael Jackson in a sauna.

It is because of this that they still transfix us all. They’ve made some cool tunes, all had ill-advised sex with each other and generally disappeared up their own anuses for us all to titter at.

And now, they’ve made a little history (not seismic history you understand, rather, a slither of TV trivia) by becoming the first group to have an episode entirely devoted to one of their albums. Of course, no-one is stupid enough to devote a whole show to Tusk or Tango In The Night. We’re talking about Rumours, obviously.

The episode sees Schuester (Matthew Morrison) assigning his students the task of covering the whole album, which of course, sees the New Directions (comprised of Lea Michele, Cory Monteith, Naya Rivera, Dianna Agron, Kevin McHale, guest star Kristin Chenoweth, Ronald Reagan’s ghost, a laughing tree, three eggs, a wistful cow and a rapping papier mache simian) singing ‘Dreams’, ‘Don’t Stop’ and ‘Go Your Own Way’ and the like.

All the while, the TV show couldn’t even hope to get close to the tension and ridiculous goings-on that surrounded the recording of the classic album.

The songs of love and betrayal may sound smoother than a freshly waxed leg, but rest assured, in those grooves, you’ve basically got a band that are spelling out just how much they hate each other. It’s not so much a cryptic tale of yearning and deceit, rather, a raw, open letter to each other telling each band member exactly how they feel.

And then there’s Mick Fleetwood’s testicles on the album cover. Amazing.

If you thought this album was omnipresent enough, then an appearance on Glee will introduce the group to a whole new generation of people, thereby ensuring that it will actually last forever, outliving mankind itself, to be latterly enjoyed by primate rulers in some bleak desolate land.

Rumours. The Rosetta Stone of our failing species.

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There is something monumentally sinister about Glee. Those grinning, android toothed apple pies, all good-looking but slightly quirky, blankly staring down camera and hitting you with melodies so in-tune, that it feels like you’ve wandered into robot heaven.

Only without the fun circuit board jamming that they’ll actually have in robot heaven.

Of course, there’s something sinister about those that watch Glee as well. Those poor, wretched, hallowed out individuals that glare at their television sets, singing along to the songs they’ve heard somewhere before, in the time they had a life of friends and parties, now replaced by a toothy, thin girl, emoting one off all over the screen. And now someone has gone and popped the bubble by leaking a major bit of plot and everyone is slowly rising to their feet in anger – the first emotion they have felt since Glee swallowed them up.

That’s right! Someone who was a regular extra on Glee has been fired after they revealed a big fat spoiler from the show’s upcoming prom episode.

This extra is called Nicole Crowther who is now nursing a P45 after she tweeted a message which revealed the show’s Prom King and Queen. And now we’re going to report what she said, just in case you missed it because we don’t care if it spoils your fun.

In a Tweet, Crowther wrote:

“K is PQ and Ka is PK”

To a normal person, that just looks like a puke of nonsense, but to Gleeks, they’ll know that it means that Kurt is going to be named Prom Queen and Dave Karofsky will be Prom King.

Producer Brad Falchuk (who clearly has a fine anagram to be made from his name, but we can’t be bothered to work it out) hit back at Nicole.

“Who are you to spoil something talented people have spent months to create? Hope you’re qualified to do something besides work in entertainment.”

You’ll never work in this town again! That’s what that says! Marvellous!

Crowther quickly deleted her account after her final Tweet:

“They are not doing reshoots because of my careless mistake so shut up haters and leave me alone. Grow up and get a life.”

YEAH! GET A LIFE HATERS!

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The transfer season may well be over, but the biggest football transfer of the year has just taken place. That’s right, after having their contracts terminated by Sky Sports, public whipping boys Richard Keys and Andy Gray have signed for conference side talkSPORT, in a deal said to be worth roughly the price of a few Fray Bentos pies.

Gray and Keys, or to give them their proper names, Tweedle-Chimp (have you seen how hairy Keys’ hands are? They’re not HD friendly, that’s for sure) and Tweedle-Chump, are to host a new show every weekday from 10am until 1pm.

Presumably the show will primarily involve Gray and Keys explaining the off-side rule to female callers.

A Sky Sports mole, who wished to remain nameless, described news of the signing as, “unbelievable, Jeff.”

We’re not quite sure who Jeff is, but we let the rambling idiot continue, despite the fact he seemed oblivious to the fact Gray and Keys had left. “Really… are they gone?” the mole continued, “I must’ve missed that. I saw them go off but I thought they were bringing a sub on.”

Reports we just made up also state that Gray and Keys’ new show will feature a variety of special guests, which come in the form of legends of the game as well as respected football pundits.

Keys himself did hint at the fact some guests feature more regularly than others, he was heard to exclaim that during rehearsals for the new show, “you could have gone round there any night and found Redknapp hanging out the back of it.”

Gray has found the transition from TV to radio hard though. He’s become paranoid that, without being able to draw a mess of incomprehensible lines across the screen, his analysis of key match points will degrade into a series of strange grunting sounds and attempts to put the microphone down his trousers (with or without the assistance of the nearest female colleague).

With Gray, Keys and Stan Collymore all working for talkSPORT, you’ve got to wonder how scared both the female talkSPORT employees are getting.

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Taylor Momsen is a wild child. Not because she’s troubled or has a fixation with self-destruction. Rather, she’s simply decided that it would be a cool thing to do. She’s in a rock band and, as such, needs to play out the character of suicide blonde on a death-trip, when really, she’s probably just a bratty thing in expensive underpants.

And she may well be realising that she doesn’t have to believe her own bullshit. After spouting off about how her parents ruined her life, she’s now backtracking and chunnering on about how great they are.

You have to assume they’re not because they nurtured Taylor Momsen, professional dipstick.

The singer has previously said that she’s been all kinds of miserable because her parents forced her to work constantly since she was two years old. As such, she’s decided to get them back by showing her boobs off during gigs. Yeah! Stick it to the man!

However, like a goody-two-shoes, she has now decided to be a doting sprog.

“I love my mom and dad. Maybe I didn’t have the childhood people think you should have, but I still went through the ages. I was still a child. Maybe it wasn’t a conventional one, but you know… I like where I am now, so it’s OK. I think my parents have learned by this point that none of [what they read] is probably true, and words can be put in your mouth.”

Words, indeed, can be put in your mouth but alas, no-one can be blamed for the tawdry rubbish that falls out of it all the time, eh?

And poor ol’ Momsen isn’t done yet. She wants us all to appreciate that she likes where she is right now, but also, feel sorry for her that she’s struggling with the cruel, unswerving spotlight of fame.

“If you think about it like high school or college then you’ve got your circle of friends – my band are my friends – then outside of that there’s going to be people that don’t like you, there’s going to be people that talk about you, and there’s going to be people that go ‘Wow! Look how big her shoes are!’ no matter where you are.

‘This is just high school on a massive, massive scale. So I ignore what people say and focus on my music and doing what I do.”

What? Big shoes? You think we’re looking at your shoes? Silly sausage. We were still looking at your boobs and talking about them because we’re all pervs.

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If there’s one thing this nation needs more of, its smug gits in business attire spunking away money that isn’t theirs whilst being rewarded with lavish amounts of champagne and opportunities to stab those who have irked them squarely between the shoulders.

Yes, that’s right, it’s week 9 of The Apprentice!

This week everyone’s favourite job applicants have the task of buying 10 rare items with a budget of £1500. Whoever spent the least won the task. Simples. There were obviously fines for failing to procure all the items or for not turning up to the boardroom on time, just in case anyone fancied playing fast and loose with the rules.

Sir Alan/Lord Sugar/The A-Train also decided to return to a boys versus girls format, so be prepared for lots of bitching and over the top macho posturing! HOORAY!

Synergy hit the ground running, project manager and world smirking champion Jamie took off on his own, leaving Chris, “all the personality of an investment banker,” Bates and Stuart, “Iceland own-brand,” Baggs to duke it out for the title of Britain’s dullest man.

Apollo, meanwhile, took the time to call ahead, finding out what their products were and where they could find them. When they finally did hit the road, they were able to get straight to their suppliers and bagged all 10 of their items with relative ease.

The only exception was Liz and Joanna’s late return to the boardroom, which was caused by them trying to haggle with a man who moved so slowly that, upon reflection, he may have actually been dead.

Apollo’s organisation and efficiency looked like a solid plan, which naturally meant they would go on to lose the task to Synergy, with their plan of randomly walking up and down streets in central London the vain hope that they just happen upon one of the items on their list, despite the fact they often had no idea what they were looking for.

Another key component of Synergy’s plan seemed to be the acting ability of Chris. Jamie asked his team to have a story ready to sell to suppliers that would allow them to get the best price and boy did Chris take this advice on board. Our lovable investment banker started making up bizarre stories about how he’d left items in Nottingham, or was going to a wedding in Scotland with his Nan whilst also bleating about how he had no money left.

There were only 2 problems with these stories. Firstly, none of them made any sense. Secondly, Chris was a sharply dressed man, accompanied by another sharply dressed man AND A CAMERA CREW. There was no way anyone was actually buying these stories, they just wanted to get him and his lively, investment-banker personality out of their shops before he made their heads explode with his ridiculous monotone lies.

When we got to the boardroom it was announced that the boys, despite failing to get all 10 items, had won the task. Which shocked Jamie so much he actually continued to apologise for his performance despite winning. Cue VT that sees the boys spend the weekend in Paris, frolicking in parks whilst wearing berets, oversized sunglasses and turtle neck sweaters.  It made you want to reach through the TV and throttle them until the twitching stopped.

That’s right, the boys got rewarded for their failure. The Apprentice has now officially become a bizarre hybrid parody of the banking sector.

The girls, looking like a bizarre corporate girl-band, tried to ditch Stella faster than Girls Aloud tried to ditch the Ginger one by subtly editing her out of their videos. But eventually it was 22 year old rah and professional glass ceiling dropper, Laura, that bit the bullet.

Let this be a lesson to you, if all you’re really good for is looking a bit like a horse and crying a lot, then an angry old man probably won’t hire you to be his assistant. Unless he’s a pervert.

BEST MOMENT: Tie between the surprise on everyone’s face when Synergy won and the audible groan when both Stella and Liz walked back in to the house.

WORST MOMENT: Liz trying to grab a pen out of an old man’s hand because he was taking too long to write a receipt. Classy.

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