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It must be awful when you’ve become so fat, so disgustingly obese, so very massive that you have you’re own blood group and that blood group is Rocky Road.
So absurdly gargantuan that the only way to way to lose weight is resort to some serious cosmetic surgery that sucks out all the little fat babies that Domino’s Pizza lay inside you and sends them to lipid Heaven.
Sounds horrible doesn’t it?
Gordon Ramsay has more nervous tics that One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest. He twitches, jiggles and burps ‘Uh?’ while swearing like Tourette’s bus. Why no-one has certified this man mental is quite beyond us.
And we’ve not even looked at his weird, weird face. It looks like a cliff face that’s falling into tge sea.
With that, the fact he got get on fire, it’s hard to imagine that anyone actually noticed any difference from him. He looks weird, swears a lot and cooks flesh. If you were in the next room, you’d carry on doing your crossword wouldn’t you?
If you were ever faced with the task of cooking wrinkle faced chef Gordon Ramsay a meal, you’d probably find that it wouldn’t be up to standard. Instead of constructive criticism, a fiery Ramsay would slam into the kitchen, take you by the scruff of the neck and threaten to hack your eyes out with bread knives.
All because the carrots and mashed potatoes were touching on the plate.
Whilst our speciality of microwaved noodles fails in comparison to Ramsay’s Michelin grub, the TV cook is actually better known for his filthy mouth and bad temper. Notoriety equals an easy payday for the ‘celeb in endorsing a product. This is presumably what the people at Gordon’s Gin thought would happen, especially when someone with the same forename is believed to be a lover of said product, but this lazy marketing ploy has backfired. Sales are down and Ramsay is off!
Massive news. Seriously. Forget all that News Corp guff. This is the biggie. Honest it is. We’re literally coming down with a dose of The News. Basically, Bigger Than The Beatles, Glee, is going to lose its two biggest stars.
Stars that just happened to be shaped exactly like Lea Michele and Cory Monteith. And someone called Chris Colfer.
This trio are going to make a hasty exit at the end of season three, presumably getting off before people grow tired of the show and stop watching it. Which you will. Despite what you say, you’ll soon give up on it and say “it’s not as good as it used to be”, despite the format remaining exactly the same forever and ever, amen.
The collective stars of Glee are so clean-cut and boring that they’re almost Teflon for interest. Seriously. The only thing of note about them is when they take their tops off or cover a song which irritates pooh-poohing rock fans (the latter is always particularly funny as musos deserve everything they get).
However, this hasn’t always been the case. You see, All-American Biegeheart, Cory Monteith, used to be much more interesting.
You see, he had a drug problem in his past! In fact, so bad was his druggery that his pals thought it might kill him! So was he a ravaged heroin addict, robbing bodegas at gun-point and selling off his parent’s belongings to fund his dastardly habit?
We live in a world that is dominated by girl groups… and it really is fantastic. Rock is pretty much dead in the water, filled with bloated, self-worthy fellas with guitars peddling pedestrian, plodding pish. The girls meanwhile are making fun, Friday night records. Apart from Adele.
And now that Cheryl Cole has been ‘freed’ from the shackles of television and Simon Cowell, she’s now able to rejoin Girls Aloud to once more make quirky, witty pop. Which is a relief.
She’s looking forward to it too, saying that she’s “glad” not to be a part of The X Factor circus anymore. And with a GA comeback afoot, she can drum up some publicity by taking needless swipes at everyone. Aaaah, it feels good to write this hackneyed old crap again.
America has a huge variety of accents, from the baffling Boston garble, to the irritating Valley speak, not to mention the bizarre voices you hear in the Deep South. Sadly, America also has lazy earholes and can’t be bothered learning how to adapt to any European accents.
And this could well be the reason that Cheryl Cole has been replaced by Pussycat Doll Nicole Sherzinge weeks before the show airs.
Of course, Cole has been a vaguely controversial choice for a judges chair on the show, basically because she’s a relative unknown Stateside, and there have been concerns over the fact that Cheryl has a Geordie accent. However, it would appear the lack of chemistry with Paula Adbul could be the reason, despite the fact it is nigh on impossible to get a rapport going with someone who has all the vitality of a euthanised Basset Hound.
Hey! Adults! Like watching children’s programmes filled with hideous, soul-sapping, nine million part harmonies, systematically destroying all those pop songs you love? Then, chances are, you like watching Glee and consider yourself to be a member of the corporate-designed clan of The Gleek.
Well, for people like us who like laughing at people like you, we’ve got some wonderful news! Glee is no longer going to be on your television.
That’s right, Glee won’t be shown on E4 after parent company Channel 4 decided to walk away from negotiations for the forthcoming series, leaving the show to Do A Richard & Judy. That basically means that it’ll slope off toward the blank chequebook of Sky, watched on television by a scant handful of people, leaving those who can really be bothered to stream it illegally online. Essentially, the show is about to die, which is brilliant news.
