Imagine being Courtney Love for a second. Imagine, if you can, what it must be like to be that mental. Try and picture the look on people’s faces are you haul your bizarre face around the streets of the world. Just think, how brilliant it must be to be so deluded that you carry all this off thinking you’re brilliant!

All this, despite the fact you’ve never made a decent record in your life, got your child taken off you for being an outrageous smack-head, fallen out with your deceased husband’s friends (who you were accused of killing in a film) and now, being ignored by your own daughter.

AND NOW SHE MIGHT BE HOMELESS! That’s right, our Courtney – as we previously reported – was involved in a fire at her New York City apartment. Trouble is now knocking on her charred door.

See, the owner of the luxury NYC townhouse Love rents is under the assumption that SHE set the place on fire and, if it isn’t too much trouble, could she get out of the house, LIKE NOW.

Wonder why the landlord would think that the infamously trouble-free Courtney Love had set her own house on fire?

According to the owner, the “landmark luxury 4-story townhouse in Manhattan’s West Village” was custom designed by a famous architect and interior designer and Love agreed not to mess with anything inside the place without permission.

However, the owner thinks that Love totally ignored that and started repainting the place and wallpapering over the “glazed hand-brushed walls.” That seems out of character for the notoriously sensible rock star.

Oh, let us not forget the fire.

The owner claims the local Fire Department responded to the torched curtains and bed linens, but, it’s thought that – thanks to burn marks throughout the gaff – there’s a chance the entire structure may have caught fire. You may let a tenant off for an accident, but not one you are claiming is $54,000 behind on rent.

Is the owner of the house a chuckling D. Grohl? Anyway, we’ve got a question: Couldn’t Kurt Cobain’s corpse actually BUY her a house of her own?

Ah, Courtney Love. What would we do without you. When things get a little too much for us to bear, we just take one look at your increasingly peculiar face and think to ourselves: ‘At least things aren’t as bad as that.’

The Former Mrs Cobain has, for some reason, taken it upon herself to become the Grunge Joan Rivers, despite the fact that precisely no-one actually asked for it.

And now, humble Courtney is getting out her crayons and starting work on her autobiography which will be a gentle, thoughtful read, sensitively looking back on her life with a suicidal husband who took loads of bad drugs, as well as her fondness for jacking up on bad shit while having sex with a variety of rock singers.

The Hole frontwoman has just signed a book deal and of course, there’s a good chance that her biog will be a hilarious read for anyone brave enough to actually pick the damn thing up.

Lynn Grady, the poor woman tasked with editing the book, says:

“Courtney is one of the most fascinating and provocative artists of our time, one of those rare performers who continues to reinvent herself time and again throughout the arc of her career”.

Reinvent? Let us think.

She went from car-crash singer to car-crash widow… then she was a car-crash actress who then became a car-crash car-crash. Oh, and she repeatedly accidentally posted naked photos of herself on twitter.

On that score, anyone who has actually read any of Courtney Love’s various twitter feeds will know the gargantuan task that lies ahead for anyone editing this tome.

Let us hope she’s mental enough to talk about the strained relationship between herself and estranged daughter, Frances.

The madness is unleashed in 2012.

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Gordon Ramsay has more nervous tics that One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest. He twitches, jiggles and burps ‘Uh?’ while swearing like Tourette’s bus. Why no-one has certified this man mental is quite beyond us.

And we’ve not even looked at his weird, weird face. It looks like a cliff face that’s falling into tge sea.

With that, the fact he got get on fire, it’s hard to imagine that anyone actually noticed any difference from him. He looks weird, swears a lot and cooks flesh. If you were in the next room, you’d carry on doing your crossword wouldn’t you?

All this happened while Gordo was shooting a documentary in Costa Rica about the illegal shark fin industry.

It’s here that you assume that Ramsay nearly set himself on fire while cooking some hideously dull looking meal. You’d be wrong.

See, some fishmonger’s henchman attempted to set fire to him.

How great is that? Give that henchman a Bafta!

Not talking up the incident in any way, shape or form, Ramsay told Playboy magazine:

“That was a little bit hairy… The fishmongers have these armed guards patrolling fortress-like towers, so we tried to get in and ran into a guard.

“They poured petrol all over my hair and neck and tried to set us on fire.”

So there.

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Is everyone in Dallas a massive racist? They like the confederate flag over there, so they must be! Did they have lynchings as well? We’ve no idea. We don’t really like America. It’s a silly country with large portions and impossible dental work.

We’re talking about the foibles of Dallas because we’re trying to work out why Rihanna would want to kill everyone there.

See, while she was playing a show in Texas, she set the stage on fire, leaving stupid hacks to ponder if Rihanna’s appearance and performance was so ‘hot’, that it actually combusted. However, it is clear that this was attempted mass-murder and it is only a matter of time before America’s famous police force, with their non-bias toward any race, get involved.

Apparently, during the show, sparks sizzled and flew while the crammed-in audience at the delightfully named American Airlines Center, were nearly set ablaze while Rihanna sneaked out of the stage door, laughing to herself.

However, RiRi’s dastardly plan was foiled as no injuries were reported.

Unhappy with the singer’s contempt for her own audience, Rihanna’s crew quickly put the potentially lethal inferno out, holding down the flames ’til Dallas firefighters arrived to do a proper job of it.

This attempted killing spree, possibly influenced by her ‘Man Down’ video where she guns a rapist down, was the climax of a particularly bad night for all concerned as the Rude Boy singer was an hour late to kick off her show. It seems she wanted to get them angry before roasting them all like battery hens.

Of course, as roast chicken is so delicious and Americans are so famously greedy, it could have been the first instance in history where toasted corpses were actually picking at their own cadavers and serving limbs up to each other with gravy.

Rihanna passed the whole thing off on twitter, saying:

“DALLAS!!! We set the stage on FYAH tonight!!! LITERALLY!!! I’m so pissed, I was having so much fun wit yall too!!! I gotta come back man!!”

She gotta go back? To finish her dreadful, blood-hungry deed no doubt. Texans – you’ve been warned.

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Courtney Love isn’t someone you’d trust to look after themselves would you? If you were a pal of hers (surely she has some friends), you’d worry if she planned to cross the street by herself. She certainly can’t be trusted to not tweet harrowing naked self-shots to the world.

Alas, her entire value on the celebrity circuit seems to be that of irritating estate of Kurt Cobain’s cadaver and general gossip about who she’s had sex with, and general tragic trainwreck.

All this combined, it isn’t surprising that she’s injured herself while setting her New York home on fire, which can’t be the first time its happened because her face suggests that she’s been stood near too many naked flames, leaving her rubbery faced warped like a figure of Adam of Eternia under a magnifying glass.

Firefighters were called to the former Hole after they received notification that her West Village home was ablaze. Apparently, three of the firemen broke down in tears when they found Love, with one of them suggesting they’d have to identify her by dental records.

The fire crew fainted in astonishment when the corpse kicked into yet another anecdote about Nirvana and Cobain being legendary in the sack. It was then they all realised that Love had actually chosen to look a withered turnip.

So what caused the fire? It appears that the fire was started by stupidity. It would seem that Courtney left a candle next to some billowing curtains in Love’s bedroom. We shudder to think what she had planned which would require the singer to light some candles in the boudoir.

Either way, any lusty yearnings were soon scotched as the curtains went up in flames, seeing Love trying to put them out herself, injuring her horribly distorted body in the process.

What have we learned? Well, hecklerspray‘s safety message is as follows: Don’t leave naked flames unattended near flammable objects and absolutely don’t, under any circumstances, go to Courtney Love’s house. Ever. Ever ever ever.

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Whoever has been looking after Eastenders lately wants a pat-on-the-back. It’s been one of the most gloriously trashy things ever shown on TV. Lucas The Bad Pastor was fun, but completely obliterated by the fall-down hilarious antics of Phil Mitchell The Crack Head.

Phil – with his brilliantly pink head – has been wobbling around on our televisions, shouting random words in what appears to be the world’s worst (but funniest) impression of Father Jack from Father Ted. All soundtracked by The Who of course.

Most recently, his stint while locked in the back of a van saw Phil Mitchell doing an impression of The Incredible Hulk. “PHIL HIGH! PHIL SMASH!” The supporting cast stood stifling their laughs whilst holding baseball bats. It was astonishing TV.  And it’s with this that we see cornerstone of Albert Square going up in flames.

As well you know, Barbara Windsor, who plays Peggy Mitchell, has been leaving the show for what seems like 10 years. This week, she finally gets ’round to it.

It is in fact, tonight, that sees the famous Queen Vic pub getting torched by the unintentionally hilarious Phil (Steve McFadden should really get a Bafta for this shift he’s put in) with Peggy and Stacey trapped upstairs. Of course, someone has to die and it’ll no doubt be Peggy.

Right?

Well, the Eastenders writers are refusing to disclose whether anyone will perish in the fire. Hecklerspray has been ringing the BBC press office all week and they just keeping saying things like ‘Hecklerwhat?‘ Playing hard-to-get as usual BBC… playing hard to get.

Anyway, whether anyone dies or not, this is Barbara Windsor’s exit stage left.

In a statement released last year, Windsor said:

“I’ll be so sad to leave Peggy behind. EastEnders has been wonderful to me and it’s no secret that it changed my life all of those years ago.”

It’ll be worth tuning in for, just to see Phil have a funny crack-fit. Alas, it’ll be one pub patron that Peggy won’t be able to turf out onto the street by shrieking at it.

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With Sly Stallone’s bizarre announcement that he’d like Bruce Willis to appear as a villain in The Expendables 2 (because apparently flogging a dead horse once just isn’t enough) we here at Hecklerspray decided to man up and have ourselves a good, ol’ fashioned Die Hard marathon, to re-acquaint ourselves with one of our favourite action movie icons.

But something troubled us deeply, Die Hard, Die Hard 2: Die Harder, Die Hard 3: Die Hard With a Vengeance and Die Hard 4.0: Life Free or Die Hard, the scenes seemed to be a lot more ridiculous than we remembered. Happily this meant that we can bring you the top 10 most ridiculous scenes from the Die Hard series.

10. Kevin Smith – Die Hard 4.0

Maths isn’t my strongpoint, truth be told it isn’t a lot of people’s strongpoint, so how a cop who’s too stupid to wear anything other than a vest at Christmas and a middle aged man who still works as a shop assistant manage to solve this puzzle is beyond me.

8. Jumping off the Nakatomi plaza – Die Hard

In one of the most iconic scenes from the Die Hard quadrilogy our favourite New York Cop jumps from the exploding roof of the Nakatomi Plaza skyscraper whilst using a fire hose as a safety line, inadvertently giving some nut-cases the idea for BASE jumping. Miraculously the weight of a fully grown man falling doesn’t result in the hose simply breaking off and letting him fall to his death, it holds on for just long enough to give him time to get back inside… typical.

7. The Military Go AWOL – Die Hard 2

6. John Mclane vs Water Pressure – Die Hard With A Vengeance

5. Blowing Up A Jumbo Jet – Die Hard 2

At the end of Die Hard 2: Die-Harder-than-you-would-have-died-originally-even-though-that-doesn’t-make-sense-because-you’d-have-died-the-first-time it appears as if the bad guys have managed to escape. Until McClane turns up with his trusty Zippo to make them explode in the most over the top way possible. Out of all the weapons he had access too, he chose a zippo to destroy a plane filled with evil soldiers.

Awesome or Off-Putting is a weekly delve into cryptozoology, ufology, aliens, medical marvels, scientific wonders, secret societies, government conspiracies, cults, ghosts, EVPs, myths, ancient artifacts, religion, strange facts, odd sightings or just the plain unexplainable.

In 1982 Benedetto Supino, an Italian adolescent boy, discovered something quite strange about himself. He was sitting in a dentist's waiting-room reading a comic book when all of the sudden the thing burst into flames right there in his hands.

At the time, no doubt, he claimed total innocence to deaf ears. Once a fiery pattern was established after a few more incidents, his surrounding adults may have been more likely to believe him – especially when they actually saw him accidentally ignite things without a match in sight.

As we already said, Benedetto Supino discovered his strange powers at a young age – around 10 – when a dentist's comic book flamed-up in his hands. Although there were instances of the boy starting a flame with sufficient intention and concentration, it seems that usually neither was the case.

Paranormal.About.com gives an example of the latter happening:

"One morning [Supino] was awakened by a fire in his own bed – his pajamas were in flames and the boy suffered severe burns."

Doesn't sound like a terrific gift there, does it? The same article goes on to give other instances of flames starting by his intention, or merely by his presence:

"On another occasion, a small plastic object held in his uncle’s hands began to burn as Benedetto stared at it. Just about everywhere he went, furniture, paper, books and other items would start to smolder or burn. Some witnesses even claimed to see his hands glow at these moments."

Everywhere he went – according to some sources, fuse boxes ignited, newspapers burst into flames and non-specific 'small objects' would smoke and burn. Obviously the boy's parents worried. They sent him to physicians and scientists who apparently found no reason for the strangeness. He was also sent to an Archbishop with the same result – nothing. The burden taxed the boy – he himself can be quoted as saying:

"I don't want things to catch fire, but what can I do?"

It seems though, that with some help he was finally able to learn control. According to Prediction Magazine:

"When an entire army of doctors were unable to help him, he turned to parapsychologist Dr. Demetrio Croce, who taught him to control and hone his abilities."

Now we haven't found any specifics as to what exactly is meant by the word 'hone' in this case. We don't know whether Supin's just managed to turn it off completely, or just to burn things he wants to burn.

In fact the only thing we seem to know for sure at this point is that guy would be great on a camping trip.

Read More:

Strange Fires – SFGate

Typical – first 50 Cent releases an album and it’s upstaged by Kanye West’s album, and now his house fire’s been upstaged by the Universal Studios fire.

Not that a little thing like the Back To The Future clocktower burning down will stop people from being curious about the 50 Cent house fire, though – especially as it came right in the middle of an ugly public feud between 50 Cent and his ex-girlfriend Shaniqua Tompkins, who was living in the house at the time.

And now the mystery has got a little deeper, because Tompkins is claiming that 50 Cent hasn’t bothered to call their 10-year-old son Marquise after the fire, even though he was treated for smoke inhalation. But you know what they say – better to have no contact at all than to record a mawkish vom-inducing Eminem-style ‘Daddy loves you’ track about it.

Good news – after owning little tiny dogs and being in drunken automobile accidents, the hot new celebrity fad to sweep America is the terrifying uncontrollable fire. Since Friday, 50 Cent’s house has burnt down and Universal Studios in Los Angeles has burnt down – leading to hopes that Paris Hilton and the cast of The Hills, eager to jump on board the fad while it’s still fresh, will soon deliberately set themselves on fire and run through the streets until their charred remains can only be identified by dental records.

But that’s something to look forward to. For the time being, however, let’s concern ourselves with the 50 Cent house fire, because it’s still so gloriously suspicious that we can only imagine it’ll be solved by a moustache-twirling detective pacing up and down an Edwardian drawing room.

If you missed them first time round, here are the details – a house owned by 50 Cent and occupied by his ex-girlfriend Shaniqua Tompkins and their 10-year-old son Marquise burnt down on Friday right in the middle of a bitter legal battle between 50 Cent (who wants to evict Shaniqua and Marquise for not paying rent) and Tompkins (who claims that 50 Cent promised that the house was a gift).

And with the fire department calling the fire suspicious, it seems as if everyone’s got a motive. 50 Cent could have wanted to intimidate Shaniqua into leaving, Shaniqua could have wanted to destroy the house that she was being made to leave, any number of third parties could have started the blaze, or there’s our current favourite theory – that Marquise started the fire because the pain of being a boy named Marquise has turned him into a warped, fire-obsessed sociopath.

Whatever the cause, though, it doesn’t look as if 50 Cent is in any hurry to make sure that his son’s not too badly shaken by the fire, as the New York Daily News reports:

The mother of 50 Cent’s son angrily slammed the superstar rapper as an uncaring father who didn’t check on the boy after a suspicious fire ripped through his Long Island mansion. Yesterday, she returned to the charred $2.4 million house to retrieve some belongings – and scorch her former lover. “Tell him to call his son!” Tompkins screamed at reporters gathered near the Dix Hills house. “He didn’t even attempt to call his son to see how he was doing!” she said. “A good father would do that!”

How dare Shaniqua Tompkins accuse 50 Cent of being a bad father. He works hard to ensure that there’s food on his son’s table – sometimes he’ll put in gruelling three-hour shifts mumbling to himself about that time he got shot over an insultingly derivative backing track in a state-of-the-art recording studio to keep Marquise in stale bread and second-hand shoes.

However, this is still just one person’s word against another. As things stand at this point in time, there’s no way of knowing if 50 Cent or Shaniqua Tompkins or anyone else had a hand in starting the house fire. And there’s only one way to properly, officially get to the bottom of a squabble this deep and wide-ranging – Maury.

Remember the courtyard square from the Back To The Future films? Sure you do. It was the courtyard. You know – the one shaped like a square. From the Back To The Future films.

Well, it looks like remembering it is all you’ll be able to do, as the courtyard square from the Back To The Future films is just one of the many movie milestones that has been eaten up by a blazing fire raging its way through Universal Studios, Los Angeles.

According to L.A Fire Department Chief Michael Freeman, the impact of the fire on a New York street mock-up was as such:

“Those are basically building fronts with some walls but they’re very susceptible to rapid burning… it also got into the King Kong building. That building is totally destroyed.”

Hecklerspray has an army of informants in Los Angeles (okay, one bloke who lives in his car nearby, watching famous people through binoculars and surviving purely on Cheetos and Mountain Dew), and we’ve managed to cobble together an exclusive list of things that have been lost in the blaze so far:

- Every copy of Fuhrer Time!, Adam Sandler‘s controversial unreleased Third Reich comedy

- Richard Gere‘s gerbil farm, which exists purely because he likes looking at gerbils, and for no other reason whatsoever

- The cast and crew of Highlander 6

- Main Chapel of the Church Of Costner

- Lindsay Lohan‘s stash

- Like, some totally fucking awesome monster movie masks that would have, like, fucking ruled if we could have borrowed them and gone to some party, bro

- Burt Reynold‘s favourite Nissan Micra

- Heath Ledger‘s hiding place, from which he was going to emerge on The Dark Knight’s release day in the most elaborate publicity stunt ever

- The collected tears of Cuba Gooding Jr, labelled in bottles such as ‘career loss,’ ‘lack of self-respect,’ and ‘any memories associated with Boat Trip‘

- Six thousand Mexican cleaning staff

- The script for Battlefield Earth 2

Just a hunch, but we imagine that 50 Cent’s next album will be called Switch Off Your Electrical Appliances At Night Or Suffer Smoke Inhalation Trying.

That’s because 50 Cent’s house has just spectacularly and completely burnt to the ground. But don’t worry – 50 Cent is fine. The house that burnt down wasn’t the house he lives in, just the house that his ex-girlfriend and their 10-year-old son live in. Phew! Panic over.

They’re both OK as well, by the way – but that hasn’t stopped a fireman calling the blaze ‘suspicious’, not least because 50 Cent has been trying to evict his ex-girlfriend and son from the property for a while now. Still, if we know anything about the hip-hop community, it’s that it’s full of exemplary citizens who like nothing more than to cooperate with potentially criminal investigations by the authorities.

50 Cent is an intensely private individual. Back when he got shot, for example, 50 Cent vowed only to refer to the incident in most of his songs, all of his interviews and a specially written pseudo-autobiographical movie. And chances are he’ll be just as coy about his house in Dix Hills burning down just now.

Because, if recently losing a high-profile challenge with Kanye West and being forced to quit music forever (at least in theory) wasn’t bad enough – let alone being implicated in a human growth hormone scandal and being robbed by a scrawny dude onstage – then watching his $1.4 million, six bedroom house go up in flames should be enough to reduce any man to a temporary state of blissful silence.

Well, that and the fact that the fire is being treated as suspicious and just a few days ago 50 Cent was seen furiously arguing in public with the tenant – his ex-girlfriend Shaniqua Tompkins, who lives there with their 10-year-old son Marquise. Newsday reports on the fire:

An eyewitness told Newsday that among the injured, all of whom suffered smoke inhalation according to fire officials, were 50 Cent’s ex-girlfriend, Shaniqua Tompkins, and their 10-year-old son, Marquise. “She was all right,” eyewitness Frank Hoyte, a Newsday employee, said, adding: “But she was angry.”One of the first firefighters to arrive on the scene told Newsday the fire was suspicious. “I would say there is a strong — a strong, strong — possibility that it is suspicious,” Dix Hills Fire Department Chief Larry Feld said.

This is great – anyone could be responsible for the fire. You see, 50 Cent recently filed a lawsuit trying to evict Shaniqua Tompkins and their son from the house unless he started receiving $4,500 a month in rent from them, while Tompkins countersued because she says 50 Cent promised to put the house in her name and then didn’t.

So did 50 Cent have the house burned down to get rid of Tompkins? Or did Tompkins burn the house down to punish 50 Cent? Or was it the doing of one of 50 Cent’s enemies? Or was it an accident? Or did little 10-year-old Marquise burn the house down partly as an effort to push his parents back together and partly because he hates them both for giving him such a gay little name? Can we stop caring about this any time soon?

No, really, that last one was serious.