The closing arguments of the OJ Simpson trial are taking place today, which means soon – finally – something interesting might actually happen soon.

It’s doubtful though, because the entire OJ Simpson trial has been a bit of a snore. It shouldn’t have been – a man almost had a heart attack once and yesterday everyone heard how a man apparently threatened to go on the rampage with a gun – but it was. Not even OJ Simpson could be bothered to testify at the OJ Simpson trial, for crying out loud.

To be fair, though, we hear that’s because he’s saving his thoughts up for another book; the forthcoming If I Did It (Which I Might Or Might Not Have Done) Here’s How It Either Happened Or Would’ve Happened Depending On If I Did It Or Not.

We get the feeling that OJ Simpson might be suffering from Difficult Second Criminal Trial Syndrome at the moment. His debut was such a belter – the biggest trial of the century, some say, and for a double murder, too – that the follow-up was always going to be an anti-climax.

That’s not to say that OJ Simpson put the effort in. If he’s found guilty of the charges laid against him, OJ Simpson will spend the rest of his life in jail, and you have to admit that bursting in on a hotel room with a gang of gun-wielding thugs and holding people against their will is a pretty good charge.

But the closing arguments in the OJ Simpson trial are taking place today, which means that the whole trial has more or less vanished in a cloud of featureless smoke. Sure, it tried to be interesting at points – a bloke nearly had a heart attack, for instance, and another bloke claimed that his heart attack made his brain go all loopy – but that hardly counts.

And even yesterday witnesses were still trying for a last shot at something memorable – as the LA Times reports, OJ Simpson’s friend Tom Scotto decided to tell the court about the time when a couple of OJ’s henchmen turned prosecution witnesses decided to shake him down for $50,000 “or else”:

Michael McClinton and Walter Alexander, Scotto testified Wednesday, twice ushered him away from his pre-wedding party and into the backyard. McClinton, Scotto said, told him, “You know me, Tom, but you don’t know me that well.” Their faces were inches apart. “I’m a street [expletive] and I’ll shoot everybody up.”

We don’t know about you, but we’d love to hear what that deleted expletive was. None of them really fit as a suffix to the word ‘street’, apart from possibly ‘fart,’ ‘whore’ or ‘tampon’. If you know what it was, do tell us.

Anyway, will Scotto’s testimony affect the jury, who are set to start their deliberations later today? Who knows. Some are predicting that the whole OJ Simpson trial will end in a hung jury, which we’re praying doesn’t happen because it means we’ll have to go through this whole dreary palaver all over again.

Whatever happens, though, we’re hoping that something exciting comes along before the trial finishes. Even if one of the jurors just gets their bum out. Jurors, if you’re reading, one of you get your bum out.

Last night David Blaine completed his Dive Of Death stunt – which, as it turns out, contained quite a lot less diving and/or death than we expected.

That’s nothing surprising, really – had he wanted the stunt to have more accurate name David Blaine would have titled it The Brief Upside Down Swing Of Uncomfortable Urination or, better, The Mostly Standing Up Of Non-Death – but it’s finished now, so we may as well humour David a bit.

The Dive Of Death part came right at the end of David Blaine’s stunt where, after 60 hours of hanging upside down, Blaine was sort of gently lowered down to the ground on a harness and then pulled up again until he vanished. Nobody really knows why this happened, but they’re generally agreed that it was better than watching him cry like a big girl as soon as it finished, which tends to be his traditional show-stopper.

It’s always a little bit disappointing when David Blaine survives his stunts, isn’t it? We’re not saying that because we dislike David Blaine – although, you know – but because everyone spends so long beforehand detailing all the gory ways that David Blaine could end his life that we can’t help feeling a little short-changed when he doesn’t.

Take the Dive Of Death which ended last night, for example. Some doctors said that at the very least David Blaine could go blind from all the blood sloshing around behind his eyeballs, and there was even the promise of an exploded head or two as well if we stuck around for long enough.

Did any of that happen? No. Was there any real danger that anything even approaching that would happen? Thanks to the way that David Blaine took one in every three minutes off to stand up and have a wee, no. So what was the Dive Of Death’s big finale? E! Online reports:

When it came time to “dive,” he sort of fluttered down to Earth before the hoister of his harness whisked him away. Mystifyingly into the ether, he’d have us believe.

You see the implication in that? David Blaine doesn’t belong among us. He belongs in space with the stars, because the stars don’t laugh at David Blaine for complaining that it hurts when he pees.

Actually, in all the controversy about David’s standing-up breaks, we think the magnitude of what he achieved with the Dive Of Death stunt has been lost a little.

Yes, David Blaine may have stood up every now and again, but that was only to stop him dying. In the end, you can’t take the accomplishment away from David Blaine – even with the breaks, he still hung upside down without food or sleep for 40 hours. For no reason whatsoever. Even though nobody asked him to. He wasn’t even doing it for charity or anything. No, you can’t take that away from him.

Anyway, as it happens we actually enjoyed the ending to David Blaine’s upside down stunt. Would you rather see a man anticlimactically vanish into thin air, or would you rather see a weeping bloke get helped into an ambulance, because that’s how all his previous stunts have ended.

The ‘vanish into space’ thing is much more dignified – at least unless you stuck around for long enough afterwards to watch David Blaine get lowered down normally and helped into an ambulance while he sobbed, that is. Which we assume is what happened. Why break the habit of a lifetime?

Jennifer Lopez could beat you in a fight, have no doubt of that – she’d trample your stupid face into the dirt and then shatter your ribs with her arse.

What makes us so sure of this? Because Jennifer Lopez has just taken part in a triathlon, that’s why. Jennifer Lopez has taken part in a triathlon and you’re slobbing around on the internet completely oblivious to the fact that your body’s slowly congealing into a giant dollop of jellied pork pie filling. And that’s a scientific fact.

What’s even more impressive is that Jennifer Lopez ran her triathlon yesterday despite only giving birth to twins six months ago. Not only does that show supreme dedication to fitness training on Jennifer Lopez’s part, but there’s also a nice little kickback for the twins, too – now, rather than breast milk, Jennifer Lopez lactates a mixture of sweat, Gatorade and an unusually concentrated dose of Epinephrine. Delicious!

Like many people, our one dream in life is to witness a triathlon completed by at least two members of the principle cast of 2001 romantic comedy The Wedding Planner. So imagine how infuriated we were yesterday when we realised that we were missing that exact thing. Infuriated enough to draw an angry face in our own poo on the wall of a public toilet, that’s how infuriated.

That’s because yesterday saw the Nautica Malibu Triathlon take place in, um, Malibu. And given that Malibu is where all the famous people live, it was only natural to see both Matthew McConaughey and Jennifer Lopez take part in it.

We’re going to basically ignore Matthew McConaughey – because, hey, why break the habit of a lifetime – and concentrate on Jennifer Lopez. Although fit enough to take part in a triathlon, thanks to her extensive training as a dancer and the way she’s deftly evaded Heather Mills and her vivisection roadshow for all these years, we shouldn’t forget that Jennifer Lopez has only just given birth to twins.

Talk about battling the odds. By rights Jennifer Lopez shouldn’t have come anywhere near completing the triathlon, given the physical and mental toll of childbirth alongside the fact that she has precisely the wrong body-shape for triathlons, thanks to her arse being so big that it a) drags along the ground during the running part, b) makes swimming feel like you’re dragging 17 tons of polystyrene behind you in a net tied to your colon and c) keeps getting snarled up in your back spokes.

But despite all this, Jennifer Lopez managed to finish the Nautica Malibu Triathlon in what we’re told is the fairly respectable time of just under two and a half hours. People reports:

The singer-actress was cheered on from the sidelines by husband Marc Anthony, who escorted her to a VIP area with his arm securely around her after she crossed the finish line, exhausted, but with her fists pumped in victory.

So congratulations to Jennifer Lopez, and double congratulations to her newborn twins. Now, when they’re old enough to go to school, they’ll be able to able to look their classmates in the eye and say that not only is their mother a world-famous singer and actress but also in the absolute peak of her physical condition.

And we’re sure that’s bound to make up for the fact that for the first six months of their lives Jennifer Lopez was probably too busy running around in circles and twatting around on a pushbike to notice they even existed, and that nursing on her teat must have been like trying to suck water out of a mound of powdered ash because of it. We expect.

The good thing about Las Vegas is that singers often go there for years at a time to perform lucrative residencies – the bad thing about it is that it sometimes lets them go again.

For the last five years, Celine Dion has performed her A New Day concert 717 times at Caesar's Palace in Las Vegas. It was a win-win really, because the show earnt Celine Dion over $100 million while simultaneously keeping her too busy to hawk her screechingly overbearing power ballads to anyone else as a result. But all good things must end, and so Celine Dion just has performed her last show in Las Vegas. Now Celine Dion is going to take her show around the world, and it's progress will be traced by military technology – you'll be able to see which country Celine Dion is in at any point by watching droves of people with their fingers jammed into their ears hurling themselves into the sea via satellite.

We've never won big in Las Vegas, but we're mostly positive that if we did, our first thought wouldn't be "Quick! Let's blow this new-found fortune buying tickets to see a horse-faced woman sing that song out of Titanic even though we'd happily blowtorch our ears to crispy bacon if it meant we'd never hear it again!" However, it appears that many people disagree with us.

Since 2003, Celine Dion has been holed up in a specially-built Caesar's Palace theatre selling $400 million in tickets to three million people all clamouring to see if Celine Dion's already-impressively high annoyance level could be increased by surrealist dancers and a mime. Celine Dion's concert A New Day has broken so many records and won so many awards that most people were probably hoping that she'd decide to keep it running for decades until she could retire a rich, weirdly large-packaged, old woman.

But it isn't to be, because Celine Dion performed her last Las Vegas show on Saturday night, and she used the show as an opportunity to ramble on and on and on about everything that floated into her head, a bit like she did on X Factor a couple of weeks ago but without Dermot O'Leary to shut her up. According to BBC News, Celine Dion told the crowd:

"At one point, it was like feeling like the Titanic was about to sink again. But we believed and we went on with it… The vibe was not that positive for us. Most of us have left our families behind to give ourselves every night. I can assure you it was worth it."  

Now if you'd just earnt over $100 million singing the same songs again and again, chances are you'd want to take an extended break, perhaps to see what's the most disgusting thing a homeless person will do for $100 – but not Celine Dion. Starting on Valentine's Day, Celine Dion is going on an 11-month world tour starting in South Africa and coming to the UK in May, where she'll attempt to sing all her favourite songs without the emotional support of that mime bloke acting out all of her lyrics in an overdramatic way.

But don't be upset if you're going to Las Vegas and you're worried that you won't catch a decent show now that Celine Dion is gone. Taking her place will be Bette Midler, who has her own show named Look At Me! I Was In What Women Want And The Stepford Wives (Not The First One, The Rubbish One With Nicole Kidman).

Read more:

Dion Ends Five-Year Vegas Stint – BBC