Finished - HecklerSpray

OJ Simpson Trial Almost Finished, Nothing Really Achieved

March 24th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

The closing arguments of the OJ Simpson trial are taking place today, which means soon – finally – something interesting might actually happen soon.

It’s doubtful though, because the entire OJ Simpson trial has been a bit of a snore. It shouldn’t have been – a man almost had a heart attack once and yesterday everyone heard how a man apparently threatened to go on the rampage with a gun – but it was. Not even OJ Simpson could be bothered to testify at the OJ Simpson trial, for crying out loud.

To be fair, though, we hear that’s because he’s saving his thoughts up for another book; the forthcoming If I Did It (Which I Might Or Might Not Have Done) Here’s How It Either Happened Or Would’ve Happened Depending On If I Did It Or Not.

David Blaine Idiot Update: Stunt Over, Not One Exploded Head

March 24th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

Last night David Blaine completed his Dive Of Death stunt – which, as it turns out, contained quite a lot less diving and/or death than we expected.

That’s nothing surprising, really – had he wanted the stunt to have more accurate name David Blaine would have titled it The Brief Upside Down Swing Of Uncomfortable Urination or, better, The Mostly Standing Up Of Non-Death – but it’s finished now, so we may as well humour David a bit.

The Dive Of Death part came right at the end of David Blaine’s stunt where, after 60 hours of hanging upside down, Blaine was sort of gently lowered down to the ground on a harness and then pulled up again until he vanished. Nobody really knows why this happened, but they’re generally agreed that it was better than watching him cry like a big girl as soon as it finished, which tends to be his traditional show-stopper.

Jennifer Lopez Runs Triathlon To Prove She’s Harder Than You

March 24th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

Jennifer Lopez could beat you in a fight, have no doubt of that – she’d trample your stupid face into the dirt and then shatter your ribs with her arse.

What makes us so sure of this? Because Jennifer Lopez has just taken part in a triathlon, that’s why. Jennifer Lopez has taken part in a triathlon and you’re slobbing around on the internet completely oblivious to the fact that your body’s slowly congealing into a giant dollop of jellied pork pie filling. And that’s a scientific fact.

What’s even more impressive is that Jennifer Lopez ran her triathlon yesterday despite only giving birth to twins six months ago. Not only does that show supreme dedication to fitness training on Jennifer Lopez’s part, but there’s also a nice little kickback for the twins, too – now, rather than breast milk, Jennifer Lopez lactates a mixture of sweat, Gatorade and an unusually concentrated dose of Epinephrine. Delicious!

Celine Dion Not Singing In Las Vegas Any More

March 31st, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

The good thing about Las Vegas is that singers often go there for years at a time to perform lucrative residencies – the bad thing about it is that it sometimes lets them go again.

For the last five years, Celine Dion has performed her A New Day concert 717 times at Caesar's Palace in Las Vegas. It was a win-win really, because the show earnt Celine Dion over $100 million while simultaneously keeping her too busy to hawk her screechingly overbearing power ballads to anyone else as a result. But all good things must end, and so Celine Dion just has performed her last show in Las Vegas. Now Celine Dion is going to take her show around the world, and it's progress will be traced by military technology – you'll be able to see which country Celine Dion is in at any point by watching droves of people with their fingers jammed into their ears hurling themselves into the sea via satellite.