To be a successful female in modern America, you have to release records that are edgy, oozing with sex and somehow able to offend various subsections of society or else you’re just old fashioned.

Rihanna constantly tells us how she likes to engage in adult activities, Lady Gaga likes to dress up as meat and Beyonce likes to fake pregnancies (if the mentalist rumours are true). So where does Nicki Minaj fit in?

Some say she bypasses all of the above shock factors and does an alright job of reinventing female rap. Previously, Nicki Minaj upset America when her right boob popped out to say hello. Now conservative types will probably get into a fluster as she prepares to release new songs as a gender bender.

People have cottoned on to the fact that controversy sells. Frankie Cocozza will probably be offered a record deal based solely on his hair and the fact he has amazingly tall hair, drinks booze and wears jeans that are so skinny, they have begun to disappear up his own hole.

So what’s the story with Nicki Minaj?

Well, something posted on her website (since removed) said:

“Roman will be in rare form this time. You know why? Cuz he no longer gives a fuck. He realises that his core matters the most. Everyone else will figure it the fuck out. He can no longer be censored. That’s not Lewinsky on a$$. It’s Roman. He has 2 more weeks in boarding school. We’re going to pick him up now. When he lands, he will address the nation in the form of music. He will announce the date.”

Don’t worry if you can’t make head or tail of that. We’re here to help.

Basically, Nicki Minaj has an alter ego, gay BFF called Roman Zolanski. We’ve no idea how that’ll work though, and more to the point, Minaj has missed a trick.

Instead of creating a gay alter ego, we would have liked to see Nicki creating a character who was an actual Roman. Imagine him racing around in a golden chariot wearing nothing more than a leather studded loin cloth, beads of sweat dripping down his hard chiselled stomach, whipping the crapola out of his stallions and pounding out raps that seduce you into his mercy.

Honestly, why aren’t we creative consultants to anyone?

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Drake is one of the world’s most hyped rappers on the planet despite releasing lame song after lame song. And his latest album, Take Care, has been delayed, presumably because it’s so poor that it’s hiding under the stairs, surrounded by people trying to cajole it outside.

As a teaser for just how lame it is, a new song called Make Me Proud featuring Nicki Minaj, has been leaked.

Yes, you can hear it over the jump and yes, Drizzy (when will this ‘izzy/’eezy thing end?) showcases rap in the style of The Little Book Of Calm. Again.

Talking about his lame process of making wet songs, Drake says:

“Whenever I make songs surrounding women, I always try to find refreshing stances to take as opposed to just like, ‘Oh, you’re sexy’ or ‘Oh, I want you.’ The song, it really came up in passing conversation, just being like, ‘I’m proud of you’.”

“Not even necessarily that a woman has to go achieve grandiose things to be proud; it’s just that I’m proud of you for trying. It’s hard to be a woman out here these days, especially to be pretty and especially to be smart and want something for yourself. So I’m just proud of you whether it’s Nicki or any girl that I’ve ever known in my life that’s doing well for herself.”

Did you hear that? Did it make you puke?

This song actually states at one point that Drake is proud of a woman who has just had a shower. Seriously. He’s proud of womenfolk because they are able to stand under water for a short period. Astonishing.

He’s not finished being a huge drip either.

He’s pushed back the release date for Take Care to give him more time to clear some samples. Talking like a trainee priest, he says:

“I do apologize for the delay but I promise that it is only for the benefit of our experience together”

Christ. Anyway, listen to Make Me Proud and get the sick bucket ready.

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You. You’ve thought about dying. Of course you have. You’re a pathetic excuse for a human. Look at you. You’re an embarrassment compared to your friends with their careers, savings, mortgages and stupid pets.

Of course, they’re worthless and resentful as well. They know people doing even better than they are. And this continues all the way to the toppermost of the poppermost, where they tell us, it’s lonely at the top.

And so, the entire human race wants to die. And Nicki Minaj is expecting us to give two hoots about the fact that she wanted to die before she was famous because she’s foolish enough to think that fame will solve her demons. HAHAHA!

Before people started throwing money at her to buy new wigs and such, Nicki Minaj wasn’t having a very good time. She had a life much like the one we’re all currently loitering in.

And it was dark apparently.

*looks around*

Yep. It’s definitely dimmer than someone who is surrounded by neon lights spelling their name.

Nicki says:

“I kept having doors slammed on my face. I felt like nothing was working. I had moved out on my own, and here I was thinking I’d have to go home. It was one dead end after another.

“At one point, I was, like, ‘What would happen if I just didn’t wake up?’ That’s how I felt. Like maybe I should just take my life?”

And if she had, she would’ve been just another vaguely depressing statistic… but alas, we wouldn’t have heard of her, so we wouldn’t care a jot if she’d gone through with it. Sorry.

Alas, while us plebs deal with the fact that our suicide is less-newsworthy than skateboarding dogs and orangutan who have learned to smoke, Nicki’s now just fine.

“I will have put out five albums and will have an Oscar and Grammys. And I will be getting married and, a couple of years after that will have a bun in the oven… My whole life is about being Nicki Minaj now. It’s a never-ending saga.”

A never-ending saga that will end when she’s put our five albums and got married and junk. Great. Will nothing give mortals like us the will to carry on?

No. But here’s a video (we’ve previously shared) which will make you want to die.

No problem.

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How did people entertain themselves in the days before electricity was invented? Imagine life a trillion billion years ago when there was nothing on the planet apart from your fellow human and stupid animals. People actually had to use their brains to amuse themselves, urgh.

Caveman drawings have given a small glimpse into what our ancestors got up to, but there’s one activity that is as popular as it ever was, and it involves the humble nipple.

From self exploration of your own, to nipple twisting someone else’s to cause them pain, its fun for everyone involved. You’d assume that everybody would embrace their bodies and not become overly offended by something they already have. Think again morons, because over in America, the sight of a nipple causes a blazing uproar and during a recent performance for Good Morning America, Nicki Minaj offended everyone. And probably Jebus.

Why is America is so anti nipple, yet doesn’t have a problem with giving away firearms with every tenth purchase in burger joint? Unless Americans have a genetic modification that allows them to fire lasers from their chests and don’t want the world to know about it, then hiding your nips ain’t on.

But it got us thinking – are people just sexist about nipples when it comes to men and women? On the front of beefcake magazines such as Men’s Health, vain and muscular types flex their buff bodies whilst bongo magazines featuring topless housewives are confined to the top shelves which are impossible for us to reach.

But sex indeed sell and women are generally easier on the eye than men. And the very pleasing Nicki Minaj combines the ability of being a decent rapper (listen to her show stealing section in Kanye’s ‘Monster’) and the whole Being A Little Crazy when it comes to outfits which may reveal a little bit too much for some.

It’s because of these sexy outfits that America has requested a system where potential wardrobe malfunctions are combated thanks to a five second broadcast delay.

We assume this is after the unsavoury incident when Janet Jackson exposed her boob during the Superbowl. Of course, parent groups in America need something to complain about on a continual basis, and this is the perfect chance. Some boring person from one such group of meddling spoilsports commented:

“For the umpteenth time in recent memory a morning news show has included inappropriate content for children and families. Instead of asking for forgiveness, they need to stop apologizing and implement the five second delay that so many Americans have been calling for.”

If Nicki Minaj had scrawled something offensive on her bare chest like “Bomb Christianity” then maybe the people complaining would have more of an argument. But crying over a bit of nipple?

Idiots.

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Despite the music industry being in some kind of financial crisis, it doesn’t stop certain artists from flaunting their gargantuan wealth and having wardrobes that are more expensive than absolutely everything in Ireland and Greece combined.

And so, when we need to make an example of them, we try and throw the book at them right? Try and teach them a lesson for having the audacity to be massively successful.

With that, cartoon rap sensation Nicki Minaj has been fined for swearing her way through a performance at a Jamaican music festival. In Jamaica, they don’t like the swearing, but overtly homophobic dancehall records are just fine. So how much did the obscenely wealthy Minaj get slapped with?

If you happen to be internationally successful and cuss cuss your way through a performance, the cops will come and yell at you and demand you start handing over some of your hard earned pennies. A grand total of 1,000 Jamaican dollars! WOWEE! So how much is that in Sterling? Is it, like, a million quid?!

Try £6.90.

That’s right. If you want to deter an international superstar from misbehaving, you need to threaten them with fines that roughly equate to the price of a bottle of Buckfast. Or a 20 pack of smokes.

It goes without saying that the hitmaker completely ignored warnings about profanity fines at the Reggae Sumfest in Montego Bay and delivered swear after swear, safe in the knowledge that she could cover the cost with the money she loses down the back of her sofa.

So small is the amount, that Minaj just sent her lawyer along to court to settle the fine with a guilty plea, which they promptly did with the loose change in their suit pocket.

Next week: Jamaica threaten someone famous with a 30 second stretch in prison for shitting from a balcony on passers-by.

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Brad Pitt should be busy promoting his new movie, but he’s not because he said four words that sent the entire world into a giant dribbly tizzy.

“The twins are fine.” That’s it. That’s what Brad Pitt said. The four most important words ever spoken by a human being. “The twins are fine.” Thank god, Brad Pitt has finally grown enough balls to publicly admit that the twins – while not ecstatically happy with their lives – are at least free of any major diseases, abnormal growths or traces of profound clinical depression.

That’s provided that Brad Pitt was talking about his two newborn baby twins Knox Leon and Vivienne Marcheline, of course. He might have been discussing The Proclaimers. We honestly can’t be bothered to check.

Hands up who forgot that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie just had twins? Yeah, we had to admit we did as well. There are two main reasons for this – the main one being that so much of our body is covered with tattoos of Maddox, Zahara, Shiloh Nouvel and Pax Thien that the only space we had left for our tattoos of Knox Leon and Vivienne Marcheline were on our buttocks where only our neighbours, our neighbours’ parents and our ‘osteopath’ can see them.

The other reason is because we have unusually small attention spans, and in the month since they were born, the announcement of their birth, second announcement of their birth, third announcement of their birth by their estranged grandfather and top-dollar People magazine photoshoot had totally slipped our minds. Whoops.

So thank heavens that Brad Pitt has the good old-fashioned courtesy to remind us for the millionth time that actually, yes, his girlfriend did squeeze out a couple of babies recently. God know what we’d do without him – probably get on with our lives in an otherwise perfectly normal manner or something disgusting like that.

So what did Brad Pitt say about his twins when he probably should have been concentrating on promoting his new movie Burn After Reading in Venice? Well, we’ve already told you quite a few times, but here’s People with the details:

Two months after the birth of Knox and Vivienne, Brad Pitt told reporters at a Venice press conference Wednesday, “The twins are fine.” He then raised his water glass like a toast, and took a sip.

“The twins are fine,” might seem like a fairly innocuous, standoffish thing to say about his own children – but in reality he’s given so much away about them. For instance, if the twins are fine then they’re not happy, sad, angry, disgruntled, distressed, jealous, anxious, bereaved, troubled, vexed, despondent, sluggish, frightened, timid, bewildered, fainthearted, vengeful, greedy, hate-filled, smug, disgusted, joyous, affectionate, disappointed, remorseful, contemptuous, aggressive, optimistic, surprised, zesty, tormented, spotty or nervous.

They’re fine. Deal with it.

Incidentally, if you’re reading this Brad, please don’t have any more children. We just have one small patch of skin left, and we heard that perineum tattoos are extraordinarily painful. However, if you do decide to have another kid, then consider the name ‘Perineum’ our gift to you.

There's a constant battle in America between the FCC – which believes that you go to hell as soon as you see a nude body, even your own – and the titty-loving TV networks.

And the latest scrap to break out is between the FCC and Fox. You see, half a decade ago, Fox showed some digitally-obscured boobs on a barely-remembered reality TV show and the FCC has just decided to fine it $91,000 for doing so.  However, Fox is refusing to pay the fine, calling it "arbitrary and capricious, inconsistent with precedent, and patently unconstitutional."

By doing so, Fox has kick-started a hard-fought ideological debate about morals, indecency, ethics, free speech and censorship that could change the shape of American broadcasting forever. Plus it's about boobies. Wheeeee!

We're no experts, but we think that Americans have the right to freedom of religion, the right to bear arms and the right to sit around masturbating to digitally-obscured breasts until they either a) get cramp or b) realise what they've become and stop in an angry fit of self-loathing. And that's a God-given right that the FCC has been trying to take away from them.

If the FCC had its way then the average American wouldn't be able to masturbate to a sudden glimpse of a 1990s pop star's partially-covered breast or brief shots of naked buttocks or Diane Keaton swearing on live TV. The first two are OK, but the last one is a step too far – show us a man who doesn't find saggy-faced 62-year-olds screeching the word 'fuck' at Diane Sawyer completely erotic and we'll show you a liar – which is why Fox is staging a fightback.

Back in 2003, Fox broadcast an episode of reality show Married By America that showed some digitally-obscured strippers and a woman licking whipped cream off a man's nipple. Enraged that Fox was basically sending everyone who watched it to hell for eternity – a place which, ironically, shows nothing by Married By America reruns all day – the FCC hit Fox with a $1.2 million fine.

After four years of appeals the fine was reduced to just $91,000, but now Fox has decided that it won't pay that either. The Washington Post reports:

Despite the sharp reduction, Fox said it would not pay the fine on principle, calling it "arbitrary and capricious, inconsistent with precedent, and patently unconstitutional" in a statement released yesterday… Fox has asked the five FCC commissioners to reconsider the fine without its having to pay, a move that sets Fox in a two-front indecency war: It is battling the FCC at the agency level on the "Married" fine and in the Supreme Court on other indecency fines levied at about the same time.

Part of the reason why Fox is refusing to pay the fine is apparently because of the nature of the complaints that the FCC received over Married By America. Although it received 90 complaints, they were from only 23 people. And all but two of the complaints were virtually identical, meaning that the fine had basically come from three people who were angry at a pixelised tit.

If this is true, then there's a strong argument for Fox to fight the FCC fine. The FCC's war on indecency is wrongheaded at best and dangerous at worst – it can let entire seasons of 24 pass without blinking once at all the relentless scenes of violent torture pass, but as soon as a digitally-obscured stripper covered in whipped cream flits into view for a couple of seconds, fines get thrown about like nobody's business. The FCC really has no right to enforce such heavyhanded censorship in a modern society.

Unless the FCC is just protecting us from Heather Mills. After all, if we're talking cream-covered strippers then Heather Mills is pretty much the queen of that (NSFW), and the FCC needs to make sure that she's never allowed to commit such terrible atrocities again. Keep up the great work, chaps!

Read more:

Fox Refuses To Pay FCC Indecency Fine – WP 

The human body is a brilliant thing – apart from enabling us to do major stuff like walking, eating and breathing, various parts of our body can also be used for immature fun.

Take the bottom for example. There are tons of alternative words for this piece of flesh. Ass, arse, batty, behind, booty and bum are just some of the brilliant ways to describe it. Sometimes you may have to come to terms with your own bottom while having a shower in the morning. There you see yourself in all your hideous glory. So it’s not like you’d be shocked to see an image of an arse on TV, is it? Apparently so.

NYPD Blue recently showed an episode which depicted a female arse. Not a problem you’d think. Well it is, and there may be some punishment to the network ABC.

America is a glorious nation. It's the frontrunner for telling the rest of the world how to live their lives, a global leader on fighting the war on terror, it won’t let other countries develop nuclear missiles and it's got a leader who won’t sign a piece of paper to cut evil gases emitting into the atmosphere which will consequently see the world imploding. 

With all these serious issues going on, you’d have thought that America would be quite liberal to less serious matters. Of course not, anything that could potentially turn the innocence of a child in to a sex-wielding maniac after seeing a bit of flesh has to be stopped.

Though saying that, Jamie Lynn Spears is probably the perfect example of how a bit of nudity can influence girls into committing acts of underage sex with blokes who should know better.

It’s not the first time that America has grinded to a halt after witnessing a bit of flesh. Who can forget Janet Jackson getting her chest pillows out at the Super Bowl? That’s a sight that nobody really wants to see. We’ve had those sorts of problems before, incidentally, although the police officers wouldn’t take our story of our trousers accidentally falling down inside a strip club seriously. What do they know? 

So what exactly upset several American viewers and forced them to gouge their own eyes out? After a repeat of NYPD Blue from 2003 was shown, the BBC reports that 'multiple, close-up views' of a woman's buttocks were broadcast before the US watershed. Oooh, multiple encounters showing something that both men and women have. Could it get anymore offensive? Apparently so:

“The scene in the police drama shows a boy surprising a naked woman as she prepared to take a shower. The FCC said it received several complaints about the sequence, which also showed one of the woman's breasts.”

Hmm, we could see why this may cause a few problems – but if reports are to be believed, a warning was issued before the shows going out: 

“An ABC spokeswoman said that the program was broadcast with parental warnings and that "the realistic nature of NYPD Blue's storylines was well-known to the viewing public". 

We can believe that. When was the last time the police busted a crack den and let the occupants dress appropriately before being sent downtown? Never, that’s when. But because it seems most Americans want to live in a fairytale land which is wrapped up in glittery cotton wool, a fine of $1.4m is going to be imposed on the network that broadcast the scene.

But it doesn’t stop there. The fine will be placed upon all 52 stations that showed the episode. It just goes to show that there's nothing as evil as arses. Which sort of makes hip-hop videos worse than Hitler. We think. 

Read more:

US network faces $1m nudity fine – BBC