Donald Trump, at least momentarily, thought it would be a pretty good idea to have Mills sitting in his Celebrity Apprentice boardroom. We don’t blame him – she’d scuff the carpet 50% less than anyone else, vastly elongating the life of whatever carpet is involved. That’s why Trump’s a millionaire – he thinks about the little things like that.

Ends up though that Mills isn’t welcome on that show. According to rumour, she demanded a contractual stipulation that said if she appeared on the show, she’d be guaranteed a spot in the finale.

America likes to look at Heather Mills, but not for an entire season at a time. Watching her limp around everywhere she goes is enough to make a viewer’s own knees hurt, and that can only lead to a channel change.

On Celebrity Apprentice she would have been tolerable only so long as the competitive tasks included things like protecting baby seals with Paul McCartney’s jagged frozen corpse, and also getting a long drawn out divorce from that same dead body, or those same defended baby seals.

If the team competitions included things like that, Mills would soar to the finale on wings of the purest gold. That’s a metaphor for ‘with great ease.’ It was first made popular with the Mesopotamians, and later caught on well with the Roman culture.

But Donald Trump knows it would be foolish to give Mills such a tremendous advantage over the other contestants. No, she’d be on level playing ground with everyone else – and her chances of going home would be exactly the same as her competitors.

Perhaps that’s why when NBC approached her to be in the coming season, it was reported that she agreed only so long as she was guaranteed to be a finalist.

The Sun says:

“HEATHER MILLS lost a role in the US version of Celebrity Apprentice — after demanding a clause in her contract guaranteeing a place in the final. Mills…was lined up to take part in the reality TV hit…But producers at US network NBC got cold feet when she insisted she appear in the final regardless of her success in the show’s tasks. Producers refused, even though she headed the list of celebrities they wanted for the programme.”

We heard her contract also had a clause to provide her with love, life-long companionship and new leg made from sausage and pig tendons, but the NBC department that usually provides that kind of stuff is booked clean through ’til March.

We didn’t actually hear that.

And we're giving you and a guest the very special chance to be at the Big Brother Celebrity Hijacks finale.

Taking place on Monday January 28, the Big Brother Celebrity Hijack finale will be the best place to experience the emotion, the drama and the slightly rubbishy homemade banners that accompanies all Big Brother finales. And you could be there. Yes, you.

We have two sets of tickets to the Big Brother Celebrity Hijack finale to give away to you, so long as you're over 18, reside in the UK, able to find your own travel and accommodation and have a friend that you can take along with you.

To enter the competition, just answer this simple question:

Who won Big Brother 4?

Send your answers – along with a mobile number you can be contacted on if you win – to hello[AT]hecklerspray.com and  we'll pick two winning entries by Jan 23. Good luck!