Final - HecklerSpray

Young Apprentice Review: Evil Maths Cocks It Up

August 5th, 2012 By Jacki Evans

Maths. That most hated of subjects for millions of schoolchildren every year. It's truly evil. And last night, it proved that its terrifying evil grip extends beyond the classroom and into reality TV, as Lord Sugar found himself having to fire four people at once because somebody somewhere had forgotten to match the number of candidates to the number of weeks they're on air.

You?d think that one of Lord Sugar?s minions can count, wouldn't you? But it seems that millions of pounds can't buy you competent staff or stop simple maths from cocking up your reality TV show.

And so Lord Sugar found himself with six children, and only two spaces in next week?s final. His solution to this problem? Popcorn.

The X Factor Review; Week 16: Louis Walsh’s Wikipedia Search History, A Love Story

August 5th, 2012 By Sophie Hall

We have two more weeks of The X Factor left, and then we can go and do something else in our brains. We know. It’s amazing. Amazing how it’s all gone so marrow-achingly slow isn't it? Amazing how time can absolutely not shift for three months in the slightest sometimes.

Amazing. A bit like how 2001: A Space Odyssey covered thousands of years scoping from the dawn of men to beyond the infinite. Or a bit like how The Curious Case of Benjamin Button lasted infinity-hundred?hours long and achieved absolute zippo.?A bit like that, a BIT like that?

And hey! Talking of clutching at straws?

Young Apprentice Review: Posh Harry Goes After Girls

August 5th, 2012 By Jacki Evans

The stench of Lynx. The smell that strips paint off walls and causes everyone's eyes to water. It's only ever been found to have one use, and that's letting you know that a teenage boy is on his way.

Clearly though, it's a market Lord Sugar wants to get in on, because this week he wanted his teenage oiks to create and brand a new deodorant. And to then make a TV ad for it. To tell them this, he inexplicably appeared on a giant screen at Wembley Stadium, which seems a bit ostentatious to us (small penis).

But then we were distracted by Lizzie?s incredible naked trousers, so maybe we simultaneously missed the point and became horrific would-be child-molesters.

Young Apprentice Review: Lewis Misses the Point

August 5th, 2012 By Jacki Evans

Just before last night?s Young Apprentice started, the BBC?s voice-over man promised us that it was like the Generation Game. He lied. It was absolutely nothing like the Generation Game. There were no cuddly toys, and no poor attempts at pottery, and definitely no Bruce Forsyth.

It turned out that he just meant that the teams had to try and sell things to the over-50s market, the lying bastard.

Before this week’s task started, Lord Sugar met his child-slaves at the Natural History Museum. They all thought they were doing something to do with old stuff, which was a joke that was dragged out for about 20 years. Really though, we were just amazed that the Dark Lord made them go all the way there and then didn't let them even go see the animated T-Rex. Does he not realise he is dealing with CHILDREN? And that everyone loves the T-Rex?

Young Apprentice Review: Young Love is Disgusting

August 5th, 2012 By Jacki Evans

Young Apprentice. It's a bit mean, isn't it? Taking a bunch of kids away from their parents, turning them against each other, mocking them on national TV and then killing them off one by one. If hecklerspray had a heart, it?d break. But we don't, so we just find it entertaining.

But last night, it looked like Lord Sugar had some level of guilt for destroying 12 young lives, as he started the day and the episode by sending some lovely flower to the house.

Unfortunately for the Apprentice Brats, he then remembered how irritating they were, and had to desperately backpedal. And so, the floristry task was born.

Young Apprentice: Posh Harry Is Better Than You All

August 5th, 2012 By Jacki Evans

Last night on Young Apprentice, Lord Sugar evidently had second thoughts about putting a bunch of teenagers in a house together, and decided to scare them all into NEVER HAVING SEX.

No, he didn't direct them all to lemonparty; he made them hang around lots of babies as they developed a product for the parent and baby market.

Luckily for Lord Sugar and the teenage pregnancy rates, none of the Apprentice Brats seemed to quite understand what babies were, or where they came from. Over with the girls, Gbemi put herself forward for project manager because she's got a 9 year old sibling. Either her sibling has some serious problems, or she's missed the point of babies.

Young Apprentice: The Future is Doomed

August 5th, 2012 By Jacki Evans

Here at hecklerspray, if there's one thing we hate more than people, it's teenagers. Horrible, obnoxious little peach fuzz adolescents who stomp around being all arrogant, irritating and smelling of Lynx Africa.

Strangely though, Lord Sugar doesn't feel the same. In fact, he seems to love teenagers so much that he's invited a bunch of them up to London to play dress-up and have a crack at being Real Adults.

Children, like Whitney Houston said, are the future. Lord Sugar agrees. What he clearly hasn't realised is that if the future is going to be run by a bunch of hormonal twerps who would rather spend their precious youth wearing suits than drinking until they vomit in a hedge, then we're all doomed.

The Apprentice Review: The Final Indignity

August 5th, 2012 By Jacki Evans

Last night was the Apprentice final. The week where we get to finally find out who wins, and what they're going to do with Lord Sugar?s money! But really, who cared who won? MARGARET WAS BACK. Everybody loves Margaret. Except maybe the Apprentice candidates, who had to face her wrath in their interviews.

It wasn?t just Margaret doing the interviewing though. No, Lord Sugar had brought in a team of four scary-looking people who were out to make the candidates cry, and scream, and maybe piss themselves. And so, we got to find out their rubbish business plans. And more importantly, their massive flaws. Because let's be honest, they're bound to be more crap than good.

Susan wanted to expand her existing business and make everyone pretty. Unfortunately though, she's both a tax-dodger and a bit of an idiot. She had no idea what it takes to actually set up a company, or to get her products tested, or even that you're meant to pay tax and national insurance, but she'd read about it on the internet. Apparently this means She'll make ?1m profit in her first year. Nobody seemed convinced, but her confidence remained unaffected.

The Apprentice Review: Cultural Ignorance Week

August 5th, 2012 By Jacki Evans

This week?s Apprentice turned out to be Cultural Ignorance Week, which was a bit unexpected because everyone thought it was going to be interview week. The poor candidates got all dressed up for it ? Magic Jim even put on a waistcoat ? and then they realized they were actually going to have to launch fast food restaurants. Honestly, what a waste of an outfit.

For the first time in about a decade, Lord Sugar decided to keep everyone in the same teams. So that meant it was Tom and Helen against Jim, Natasha and Susan, who seemed to have an advantage. Not just because they had more people. They also had Natasha, who was very keen to point out that she's got a BA (Hons) in Hospitality Management.

Unfortunately for her, nobody gave a shit, and so Magic Jim ended up project manager anyway.

The Apprentice: Even More Idiotic Than Usual

August 5th, 2012 By Jacki Evans

Last night saw the Apprentice candidates plumb new depths of idiocy. Lord Sugar literally told them what to do, and they still managed to cock it up. Spectacularly. Apparently having someone explaining everything to you step-by-step isn't enough for this bunch of imbeciles.

Their task was simple; sell a load of crap, reinvest in the most successful crap, and then sell some more of it.

Somehow, this was too complex a concept for any of them to grasp, with the exception of Magic Jim. And, shockingly, Tom and Susan. Seems there might be some truth to that crap about the meek inheriting the earth, although for our own sake hecklerspray hopes not.