However, very few of us have seen what Madonna is actually like during real sex – something few of us would wish to change. But now something has come along that threatens to shatter our cocoon of not knowing how Madonna has sex forever – a man is claiming he’s in possession of a Madonna sex tape.

Wait, wait – don’t freak out just yet. This alleged Madonna sex tape is supposedly between Madonna and Alex Rodriguez! There’s not a sniff of Guy Ritchie anywhere! That means, at absolute worst, the Madonna sex tape will only be appalling enough to make your eyeballs burn up and pop. You won’t actually die from watching it.

This whole love nonspecific polygon that’s apparently going on between Madonna, Guy Ritchie, Alex Rodriguez, Alex Rodriguez’s wife, Lenny Kravitz and anyone else who manages to blindly stagger into this sordid middle-aged flesh party is starting to take its toll on those involved.

Alex Rodriguez is getting divorced from his wife, Madonna is said to be on the brink of a physical and emotional breakdown and last week Guy Ritchie actually wrote a line of dialogue that wasn’t hackneyed or derivative at all. This madness has to stop. It has to stop before Guy Ritchie makes an entire film that sort of makes some amount of sense!

But it’s not going to stop, is it? We’re already so far in, what with Madonna brainwashing A-Rod with Kabbalah and A-Rod proclaiming Madonna to be his soulmate and all. The one thing we can console ourselves with, at least, is the fact that Alex Rodriguez and Madonna supposedly only had an affair of the heart. There wasn’t any sex going on whatsoever. Nope. No siree.

What’s that? Someone’s got their hands on a sex tape? A Madonna sex tape? A secretly-filmed Madonna sex tape that shows her grinding away on top of Alex Rodriguez like your nan on one of those beer garden bucking bronco rides? We think we speak for everyone when we say this: ugh. Digital Spy reports:

The video, which was reportedly filmed by a hidden camera, apparently features the veteran popstar sleeping with Rodriguez. A source commented: “If footage was obtained in this way it would be an outrageous invasion of privacy. He would be prima facie guilty of voyeurism. Instead of making a million he’d be going to jail for a few years. Even if the video existed it would probably be seized by the courts.”

Right, so let’s get this straight – the Madonna sex tape, if it exists at all, was probably filmed in a legally dubious way and will therefore probably never find its way into public. Oh.

Is that a good or a bad thing? Probably a little bit of both, we’d imagine. Although it would be reassuring to know that the Madonna sex tape was in circulation – in case we needed to spook our children out of having sex forever or induce a bout of bulimic post-meal vomiting, for instance, it’s probably best that it’s kept under lock and key.

After all, imagine strolling home from a nice dinner out and realising that some evil genius has beamed the Madonna sex tape onto the surface of the moon. That really would be quite the faux pas.

Nineteen-year-old Peaches was secretly filmed offering Jonny Blagrove and Cara Burton £140 in return for some unspecified goods.

Then Blagrove, ‘dealer to the stars’, tells Peaches what she wants will actually cost her £190.

The extra £50 quid doesn’t deter Peaches, she is after all the daughter of modern day Jesus, Bob Geldof, and it’s good to see the royalties from I don’t like Mondays aren’t going to waste.

Peaches is then reportedly recorded saying:

I’m going to need Valium tomorrow after this.

It is because of this statement that police strongly suspect something drug related has happened here, as Valium is often used as a comedown by professional users. But, until the investigation is carried out, who’s to say Peaches wasn’t buying £190 worth of Red Bull? We just don’t know.

Maybe she was buying an X-Box 360 with GTA IV off them? The excitement of getting her hands on that could require a good dosage of Valium to help her get to sleep at night, in order to get up early, refreshed for another day doing whatever it is that she does.

The secretly filmed footage was found on a memory stick that was seized by police from Jonny Blagrove and Cara Burton, as part of an investigation into what they suspect is a celebrity drugs empire run by the couple.

A police source told the News Of The World:

She will be interviewed some time this week and asked to explain what is happening in the video and why she is handing money over to the couple. It is all part of a large investigation into alleged drugs dealing.

And, on that very same stick, there is also the footage of Amy Winehouse allegedly smoking crack at a house party last January. One hell of a part going on in that pen-drive.

All the footage had been deleted from the memory stick but police, using special secret police techniques, managed to recover the lost data, which is vaguely terrifying.

Let’s just hope girlfriends don’t figure it out anytime soon, or else it’s time for an acid bath.

It has also been suggested that the filming was carried out by the alleged drug-pushing couple, perhaps in an effort to blackmail Peaches.

If it is found that Peaches did indeed purchase illegal substances, she could face a jail term but, as she’s a white, female, middle-class, first time offender and the daughter of Christ, we can safely assume a slap on the wrist will suffice.

Read More – Peaches Geldof To Be Questioned Over Drugs Footage – EntertainmentWise