Is Russia a third world country? Perhaps – but lets review the indicators before we rush to judgment.

The first is that we’ve recently seen three television ads suggesting we send only 75¢ a day to what looks like a science-farm full of little bald Gorbachev clones. This doesn’t sound like much until you know an apparently overweight Sally Struthers was their spokesperson, and the children had flies crawling across their head-spots.

A second indicator to consider could be that their non-cloned population growth is so high they’ve begun to outsource for sperm donors.

Mel Gibson, apparently, was quick to oblige.

Mel Gibson’s longtime wife filed for divorce on April 13. At first everyone probably thought it was because she’d converted to Judaism and Gibson just couldn’t stomach the way she kept working the word dradle into all their conversations. He was probably like:

Seriously – how do you get from the rich moving plot points and the spot-on cinematography of Apocalypto to dradles again? She better not disrespect Mad Max like that.

Recently, however, a new cause for the Gibson-divvy has emerged – a cause far less racist. You see, Gibson’s new Russian girlfriend is currently growing 18 years of child support deep in the caverns of her belly. As TMZ puts it:

“We’ve learned Mel Gibson’s girlfriend, Oksana Grigorieva, is pregnant with his child. Our sources say Gibson has already told his estranged wife, Robyn, and their children about the news. We’re told Oksana is in her second trimester.”

What’s that? Second trimester? And his wife only filed for divorce on April 13? Now we’re not mathematicians – but it’s beginning to look like Gibson had been sewing his royal oats a little before society’s current decrepit moral code allows. In fact – an Internet fetus-calculator just confirmed it. Gibson was getting busy on Russian girls (or girl) prior to the filing.

It’s his wife’s fault though, if you think about it. If she’d kept her ovaries lush and fertile the way he’d always told her she needed to then maybe he wouldn’t have had to drop sperm elsewhere. Now let that be a lesson to all of Mel’s future wives – keep those ovums young and springy.

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