Everyone loves photos of Madonna and Guy Ritchie clutching each other’s hands in a grimly unconvincing demonstration of love, don’t they.

So make the most of them while you can, because you might not see any more of them. According to reports, Madonna and Guy Ritchie now hate each other so much that they only communicate through staff, and they’re both keen on getting a divorce finalised by Christmas.

This really is a win-win – if they’re not getting divorced, we get to look at more photos of Guy Ritchie and Madonna in public trying to pretend that they like one another. And if they are getting divorced? Well, that means the rest of us have a shot at the gnarly-clawed single mother and the potato-faced idiot that have just come onto the market. Everyone’s happy.

Yes, we know what you’re thinking. Every couple of weeks there’s a new story about how Madonna and Guy Ritchie are getting divorced, but the divorce never materialises. In fact, if you believe everything you read about Madonna and Guy Ritchie you’d be forgiven for thinking that their marriage is a kind of hellish mixture of Who’s Afraid Of Virgina Woolf? and the bit in Saw 3 with the pig guts and the mincer.

There were rumours of a Madonna/ Guy Ritchie divorce two years ago, but nothing happened. Then, more recently, Madonna hired a divorce lawyer right before it emerged she was somehow involved in the break-up of Alex Rodriguez’s marriage, but no divorce emerged.

That means everything’s OK between Madonna and Guy Ritchie, doesn’t it? Especially since every single divorce rumour has been met head-on with a choreographed excursion where Madonna and Guy Ritchie go out to dinner to prove their love in front of the media, even though they always both look utterly miserable and stand about as far away from each other as they possibly can while still holding hands. That’s how all married couples display their love, isn’t it?

Well, no. And if today’s reports can be believed, then Madonna and Guy Ritchie will be completely divorced by Christmas because that’s just how much they hate each other. The Sun reports:

Madonna and Guy Ritchie are to divorce, The Sun can exclusively reveal. A statement confirming their marriage is over has been prepared and is set to be released imminently. The couple are going public with their split because they “can’t bear to live with the pretence any longer.” … She and Guy, 40, want a divorce finalised before Christmas.

We’ll have to see if this divorce talk is true, or whether it means Madonna and Guy Ritchie will have to roll out another frosty crag-faced outing for the press. But if it is true, then it’s terribly sad news. They’ve been together for almost eight years now – if they get divorced then how are they going to divide up all of Madonna’s stuff? And, you know, who gets to keep David Banda? Madonna or the bloke who never even wanted him in the first place? It’s a toughie.

Either way, if Madonna and Guy Ritchie really are getting divorced, then we wish the best for both of them. It’s obviously a better solution than just carrying on living miserably with each other – plus this way they get to play the field a bit now.

After all, even though Madonna is 50 now, she could probably still take her pick of most men if she wanted. And, who knows, now that RocknRolla‘s been released there’s a chance that Guy Ritchie might even get a pity shag if he sets his sights impossibly low enough.

Being a celebrity isn’t all bad, you know. Sure you are hounded by an insatiable media hell-bent on knowing your every move, but, then again, you get lots of free stuff. You see, it all evens itself out.

You also get away with hitting the people who irritate you – like reporters and photographers. Why? Well, firstly because you’re a celebrity and we should all be grateful if a star like you lowers yourself to even touch us. The second reason is because everyone hates nasty paparazzi almost as much as celebrities do. Do we cry if a reporter gets punched? Well, of course not.

Do we look at their pictures? Of course we do. So why then do we seem to react to a celebrity beating then up in the same way we would a dancing bear turning on its tormentors? Who knows?

Anyway, hecklerspray has decided to come up with seven of the best. Let battle commence.

7. Avril Lavigne

Avril Lavigne has her own way of dealing with the pesky paparazzi – she spits on them. Rock and roll!

6. Chris Martin

Chris Martin is not the kind of guy you would expect to resort to violence. He is a big believer is peace; a message he tries to get across in his lyrics. Unless, of course, he has paparazzi in his sights. Then it’s a different story. There is no way Martin would ever advocate blood sports. But change the foxes into annoying reporters/ photographers and the Coldplay singer will be champing at the bit trying to satisfy his blood lust. This clip of Martin attacking a snapper outside a New York hospital earlier this year was in no way his first indiscretion. Back in 2003, Martin was arrested in Australia after a photographer spotted Martin smashing his car windscreen and letting down his tyres. The charges were later dropped

5. Vinnie Jones
Remember the days when Hollywood star Vinnie Jones was just a crap footballer who hurt people a lot. Well, back in 1997, Jones, sick of dishing out punishment to fellow Premier League stars, he instead decided to take out his anger on Mirror reporter Ted Oliver. It was just after the ill-fated match between The Republic of Ireland and England, which had to be abandoned after violence broke out between the two sets of fans. Oliver was at a hotel trying to find out when the match would be rescheduled, but Jones walked in and decided to bite Ted’s nose. Blood streaming from his wound, the reporter responded to cries of ‘get a doctor’ by instead saying ‘no, get me a photographer’.

4. Britney Spears

No moment better sums up the pop singer’s slide than when a bald and umbrella-wielding Britney decided to take all her frustrations out on a photographer’s Ford Explorer

3. Jay Kay

Ok, so this is actually paparazzi fights back at celebrity. But the sight of the pint-sized Jamiroquai singer getting headbutted is so funny we had to put it in

2. Bjork

Airports clearly don’t agree with Icelandic star Bjork. Having beaten up a reporter at Bangkok airport back in 1996, the singer had another bout of air rage earlier this year when she launched herself at a snapper in a New Zealand airport

1. Sean Penn
“I still think photographers should be lashed out at. They should be put in a cage where you can poke them with a stick for a quarter. But not in a hostile way, just for giggles. They really are on the attack against mankind; it’s a disease.” You’ve got to feel sorry for any paparazzi that have been told to trail Sean Penn. The fiery actor is so well known for his brawls with photographers and reporters alike that when celebrities do hit back it’s known as ‘doing a Sean Penn’. Mind you, we think we would have reacted in exactly the same way as Penn back in 1986 in China when he discovered a reporter in his hotel room. He hung him by his ankles over a ninth-floor balcony. Come on, you would have done the same. Anyway, he was arrested and charged with attempted murder before breaking out of prison and fleeing the country. He was later acquitted.