Fight - HecklerSpray

The 10 Biggest Celeb Wins and Fails of 2013

December 19th, 2013 By Krysta Fitzpatrick

Well, 2013 is finally coming to a close, and what a year in popular culture it’s been! Since the beginning of the year, a bunch of shit has happened in the entertainment industry; some of it was awesome (basically every second I spend drunkenly watching American Horror Story: Coven and listening to Beyonc?), and some of it was awful (Amanda Bynes’ breakdown and basically everything Justin Bieber said and did).

It was a winning year for some Kardashian’s (Kim has a baby and gets engaged) and a losing year for others (Khloe gets cheated on divorced), but surprisingly enough, I’m not here to talk about the Kardashians (I can hear your gasps from here). No, I’m here to talk about other celebs who had winning and losing years. From the super famous, to the barely celebrities, I present: The 5 Biggest Celebrity Wins and 5 Biggest Celebrity Fails of 2013. Enjoy…or don’t…whatever.

Mariah Carey Offends Satan by Comparing Him to Nicki Minaj

November 14th, 2013 By Krysta Fitzpatrick

Just when you thought the dumb-ass feud between Mariah Carey and Nicki Minaj was over, it comes back full force with Mariah comparing Nicki to the Devil. You’d think since neither of these bitches is on American Idol anymore, they’d be done talking about each other. Well, you thought wrong! Thanks to Mariah’s recent interview with the radio station HOT 97, the crazy diva vs. crazy diva feud you didn’t really care about in the first place continues!

Up until this point in the game, I had been on Team Mariah. I mean, it’s Mariah Fucking Carey. She’s one of the biggest female singers of all time (or maybe the biggest?) She’s sold like a billion records, released so many classic sweet jams, and one of the only artists to surpass her in number one hits is The Beatles!

I think she’s pretty qualified to judge a singing competition! Whereas Nicki Minaj has had like three hits (maybe more, I don’t know shit about Nicki Minaj, which means she can’t touch Queen MC) and has no right to be throwing shade at Mariah. However, Miss Carey’s decision to reignite this stupid feud and not just let it go has basically put me on neutral ground.

Charlie Sheen is Out For Blood

November 7th, 2013 By Megan Leitch

Charlie Sheen sort of calmed down the craziness for a while.? No more ranting about “WINNING!” or filling his house with?porn stars or?drinking dragon’s blood.? He quieted down, worked on his new show, spent time with his kids, and continued to sleep with one professional sex star at a time.

But shit’s going down now.? Sheen’s ex wife, Brooke Mueller, has been off the crack for more than 2 minutes so she is apparently fighting for more custody of their twins, and Sheen is not having it.? He’s calling Brooke out publicly for the hot mess that she is, and making weird creepy threats against her and the entire Department of Child and Family Services.

The twins are currently under the custody of Sheen’s other ex, Denise Richards.? Even Sheen knows that the former call girl turned his ex wife is more stable than either kid’s parent, which is just sad as shit.

Shia LaBeouf Finally Gets A Much Deserved Dick Kick

October 15th, 2013 By Megan Leitch

Someone has seriously pissed in Shia LaBeouf’s Cheerios of Life because he has been a major douchebag the last couple of years.? Between bar fights, leaking private emails about his costars, and acting like his shit doesn’t stink, LaBeouf has gone from sweet kid to grimy asshole in a very short time.

While in London, LaBeouf was being his usual shmucko self and someone finally had enough and gave him the knee to the groin that he so deserved.? But because someone upstairs wants to punish us, no one managed to get this wonderful act on camera.

Jamie Oliver Calls A Journalist A ‘Bitch’, Which Is Nice Of Him

March 9th, 2012 By Mof Gimmers

Jamie Oliver, the Bono of cooking, has been keen to promote healthy eating and the like, for some time now. He wants you, humble reader, to put down that bag of M&Ms and start eating grapes that have been showered little more in butterfly tears and golden sun.

However.

If you notice that he looks like he’s been snaffling a kebab or ten, he may well call you a ‘bitch’. He will you know. And that, coming from the man who made the single worst piece of music in history. More on that later…

Halle Berry’s Daughter Is Frightened Of Famousish Daddy! Let’s Gawp!

February 13th, 2012 By Mof Gimmers

It’s always outrageously funny when two celebrities fall out with each other and there’s a child suffering in the middle of it all. It adds that vital spice to proceedings right? It heightens the emotion and everyone goes nutso! So, to Halle Berry.

Halle and?Gabriel Aubry split up and no-one cared a jot.

Then, 3-year-old Nahla got involved. Not ‘involved’ as in ‘started punching everyone’. Rather, everyone started pointing at her and Halle and Gabe started shouting words over her soft little skull. And now, the accusations are getting really tasty, almost guaranteed to damage the child for life! HURRAY!

Christian Bale Stops Disgusting Tramps From Their Stinky Fighting

January 20th, 2012 By Mof Gimmers

Christian Bale is like a real life Batman, by which we mean, he’s a very wealthy man who can’t stop meddling in people’s business. First, he got bothered by some Chinese security while trying to visit some deaf bloke or something… and now, he’s mucking about with vagrants!

See, two tramps started having a scrap and Bale wasn’t having any of it!

Over Christmas (yeah, this is hot off the press!), the Batman star stepped in to break up a fight between two horrible pungent homeless men in California. Was he doing it for the good of those fighting? OF COURSE NOT.

Justin Bieber Talks Directly To God (Or, If You Prefer, To Himself)

January 9th, 2012 By Mof Gimmers

Justin Bieber talks directly to God. Justin Bieber also thinks that “rape happens for a reason” as well. That invariably means we shouldn’t trust a vowel that dribbles out of that tiny week-old mouth of his.

He’s Canadian too. They’re all like Americans without the whole ‘inventing rock ‘n’ roll’ thing.

Anyway, Justin Bieber likes talking to the ether and pretending that God talks back to him. Presumably God advised that Bieber got a tattoo on his leg of Jesus. Sadly, God didn’t tell him to go to a decent tattoo parlour and JB is left with an image of what appears to be the lead singer of Nickelback on his calf.

Justin Bieber’s Grandparents Nearly Dead

December 29th, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

If there’s one thing worse than a bad thing happening to a celebrity, it’s a bad thing happening to a non-celebrity that is in some way related to a celebrity. Take for example, the dreadful news that Justin Bieber’s grandparents are nearly dead.

You’ll be forgiven for thinking ‘all grandparents are nearly dead’, but you must remember that Bieber is a matter of hours old. So young is JB that his grandparents could justifiably be 23 years old or something.

No. They’re nearly dead because they’ve been in a car crash. This can only mean one thing…

Everyone Now Quite Desperate For Katy Perry And Russell Brand To Split

December 29th, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

Hey! Did you hear about Russell Brand and Katy Perry spending Christmas away from each other? They haven’t been married very long have they? You’d think they’d want to spend the festives (aka Some Time Off Work) together, right?

Well, aside from the myriad of perfectly legitimate reasons why this happened, they’re quite obviously splitting up.

Why? Because that’s what everyone wants. Basically, they’ve got the temerity to appear rather fond of each other. Mercifully, there’s a source on-hand to tell us all otherwise, which is incredibly convenient.