festival news - HecklerSpray

Is Beyonce All Set To Liven Up Terminally Turgid Glastonbury Festival With Headline Slot?

February 10th, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

The Glastonbury festival is outrageously overrated. Acre upon acre of tree-hugging hummus weavers hump the ground in the hope that they’re near a layline while pink-faced louts in Stone Roses t-shirts consume crates of Stella ’til they fill their tent with urine.

On top of these obviously good vibes, there’s the lakes of silage that surround the portable shit-pits and burgers so expensive that you could buy a small holding full of delicious cows instead. And there’s the obligatory cry of ‘bolllooooocks‘ that soundtracks your evening as the night draws in.

Of course, the music that Glastonbury has is the reason why people go and, year on year, revellers are treated to one of the most conservative billings on the circuit. That’s why utter dross like Coldplay and U2 are consistently linked with headlining slots. However, unbelievably, there might be an act who actually warrant a trip to the fields of litter – BEYONCE!

Glastonbury Is Cancelled Because Festival Goers Produce Too Much Faeces

October 18th, 2010 By Mof Gimmers

Boo-hoo. There’s going to be some hippie tears today as news has got out about the cancellation of Glastonbury festival 2012.

And why has it been cancelled? Have the organisers realised that it might be a bit rich to promote environmentally aware messages while being responsible for some insane pollution from the sheer amount of cars that travel to the event, not to mention the stars landing by helicopter AND the huge amount of electricity used on the million stages, falafel stands, bead shops and burger vans blasting out ropey dubstep 24 hours a day?

Nope. It’s because people who go to Glastonbury shit way too much.

U2 Hint That They’ll Be Headlining The Glastonbury Festival (Earplug Sales Rocket)

October 6th, 2010 By Mof Gimmers

It seems apt that jewel encrusted charity muggers, U2 look likely to be headlining the Glastonbury festival this year. Both of these corporations really care about the Earth and poverty, maaaan… despite creating a city’s worth of pollution and showing ghastly displays of wealth every time they roll into town.

Of course, U2 are being coy about it all, as are the Glastonbury organisers. With the latter, we go through this song and dance every year, where they tease everyone with rumours and shrugs about who might play at the festival, before unveiling a staggeringly conservative line-up.

U2 are telling fans to keep an eye out, with manager Paul McGuinness, saying: “We’re certainly excited about our plans for next year. Watch this space!” The band are also advising fans to buy tickets to Glastonbury 2011, despite the fact they have already sold out.

Despite Being The Worst Festival On Earth, Glastonbury Sells Out In 4 Hours

October 5th, 2010 By Mof Gimmers

Glastonbury or, if you’re a simpering, lisping idiot – ‘Glasto’ – is a festival of suffering. It truly is a place where all the world’s denied misery congregates to wave badly made flags at worthy bands playing woefully crafted songs.

Yep, the annual hugfest for pie-eyed do-gooders rolls around each year, leaving everyone imagining a unique spirit and putting on their best concerned faces when walking by the charity stalls while eating battery cow burgers and pretending to give two shits about Summer Solstice.

That’s if you get there in the first place because, as those who want to go but can’t, they’re shaking their fists angrily at the sky thanks to Glastonbury’s ’90s ticketing system which has left literally hundreds of thousands of chumps without a ticket as the 2011 show sold out just over four hours.

The Libertines to Spray Pus at Warm-up Show in London Before More Pus Action at Reading/Leeds

August 10th, 2010 By Mof Gimmers

Hey! Middle class kids who dream of puking into mop buckets in bedsits! Start tapping mummy and daddy up for their credit cards now because The Libertines are playing a warm-up show in London, so you can get up close and personal with each and every one of Pete Doherty’s weeping sores!

As well you chumps know, the travelling gaggle of nicotine stained Wotsit fingers will play at the? Reading And Leeds festivals, but they want to get a bit of practise in first at a warm-up show at London’s HMV Forum on August 25th.

Of course, they’ll pull the whole thing off like they’ve never touched a guitar before because that’s their schtick. ‘My hands are so disaffected that they can’t be bothered forming proper chords!‘