We’ve finally reached the end of our interminable search to find Fern Britton’s replacement on This Morning.

What does that mean? It means that in a few weeks’ time, one of the contenders who we’ve profiled will definitely become the new host of This Morning. Unless someone else does. Or Philip Schofield decides to go it alone. Or the entire ITV building topples over and falls into the river. Either way, it won’t affect your life in the slightest so it doesn’t really matter.

Here, then, is the This Morning rundown for Davina McCall…

Davina McCall – Davina McCall is, without a shadow of a doubt, the far and away favourite to end up co-hosting This Morning with Philip Schofield. And the timing couldn’t be better – Big Brother is due to stutter to a close in the next year or so, and when it’s gone that’d just leave Davina with berserk, schizophrenic hair adverts to tide her over. Plus, one of Davina McCall’s first presenting jobs was on This Morning, so in a way it’d be like she was coming home. You know, like a salmon returning home. Right before it dies. The only thing that possibly stands between Davina McCall and the This Morning job is the sensation that watching a woman shout ill-judged questions at startled idiots first thing in the morning might be a bit of a turn-off, no matter how hard Jeremy Kyle has worked to prepare viewers for that beforehand.

Tomorrow: BIG BROTHER! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!

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Two days left to go on our thorough  – some would say tedious – earch to find the new replacement for Fern Britton on This Morning.

And with two days left, that can only mean that we’re playing with the big boys. You know, the megastars, the presenters who’ve left an indelible mark on the public consciousness, the heroes, the wizards, the globally-recognised celebrities.

So here’s the This Morning rundown for Melanie Sykes. Melanie Sykes. Oh, come on, you know her. You do…

Melanie Sykes – Remember Melanie Sykes? Oh, of course you do – she was the woman from the 1990s who had the face of a model and the voice of a cartoon greyhound breeder. Nobody’s heard much from Melanie Sykes since her show with Des O’Connor got axed a few years ago, but it seems like she’s been training herself up Rocky-style to land the This Morning gig. She’s starting to pop up here and there, making her presence and availability known to anyone who’s watching. And we’d definitely name her as a favourite to host This Morning, if only it wasn’t for the grating suspicion that she’d only be comfortable presenting items about eating tripe and cobbles. Because she’s northern, you see. Northern.

Tomorrow: Davina McCall.

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So, we have some good news and some bad news for you. The first piece of news is that we’re still thumping out these predictions to see who’ll take over from Fern Britton as the host of This Morning.

The other piece of news is that on Friday we’ll replace it with news about Big Brother. Hey, wait a minute, that’s not good news and bad news! That’s bad news and bad news! Oh, how depressing.

Anyway, here are the chances of Myleene Klass being made the new host of This Morning…

Myleene Klass – Now, there’s every reason to expect Myleene Klass to become the new co-host of This Morning, on the basis that it’s a TV show and Myleene Klass seems as if she’s contractually obliged to appear on every single TV show all the poxy time, even if it’s a 30-second-long TV show about how shiny her hair looks when she’s playing the bloody piano. But in reality the chances of Myleene Klass landing the job are tiny – she’s just been named as the host of American I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here, which could potentially lead to much bigger and better things than spending her weekday mornings discussing septuagenarian incontinence with telephone callers from Eccles. And besides, if Myleene Klass presents This Morning, who’s going to star in every single advert ever made? It just isn’t feasible.

Tomorrow: Melanie Sykes! Woo!

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It’s week two of our hunt to find Fern Britton’s This Morning replacement. Week two, for crying out loud. What are we thinking?

You know, we think we’re wasting our time here. This Morning doesn’t need to replace Fern Britton at all. What This Morning needs to do is bring back Fred Talbot, knock up a scale model of the British isles and let him leap around it describing the weather. That’s when This Morning went south, not when Cackly McLardypants resigned. Oh, why won’t anyone listen to us?

Anyway, here’s the This Morning rundown for Christine Bleakley…

Christine Bleakley – On paper, Christine Bleakley looks like the perfect candidate to be Fern Britton’s replacement on This Morning. She’s smiley, young, pretty, able to think on her feet and well-versed in peculiar live TV shows where you’re forced to lurch between fluffy items about kittens and depressing items about home repossession without any discernible buffer. But it doesn’t matter how much ITV offer her, Christine Bleakely won’t take the job at This Morning. And here’s why – there’s no Adrian Chiles. Adrian Chiles and Christine Bleakley share a love so deep, so pure, so – yes – perfect that they can never be separated, not even for a second. Adrian Chiles and Christine Bleakley are soulmates, and that’s why neither will ever leave The One Show. They’re definitely not doing it, though. Definitely.

Tomorrow: Someone else!

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Here we are, at the end of the first week of our search for Fern Britton’s replacement on This Morning.

That’s right – we said our first week. There’s more of this coming next week. Really, you shouldn’t thank us. No, no, you’re too kind. And best of all, the ones next week will all be legitimate contenders for the job, so it’ll be even harder to make jokes about them. Fun!

Anyway, here’s our rundown on Coleen Nolan becoming the new This Morning host…

Coleen Nolan – If you ask us, which we suggest you pretend you do, then we’re not sure how great Coleen Nolan would be as Fern Britton’s replacement. And it’s not just because, stripped of her Loose Women companions, we’re unsure of how she’d cope by herself. It’s something more important than that – we’re nervous of Coleen Nolan’s capacity to self-edit. Look, we all know that Fern Britton had a naughty streak that would cause her to giggle for 20 minutes if someone said the word ‘vibrate’ during a chat. But if the same situation happened to Coleen Nolan, she’d giggle for 20 minutes and then blurt out something massively inappropriate at the top of her voice like “I put dildos up my bum!” before clamping her hand over her mouth in horror as everyone else looked on, mortified. On the other hand, if Coleen Nolan became the new This Morning host, Shane Richie would never ever be a guest on the show. And that is a big plus.

Next week – Christine Bleakley!

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Here we are again, churning out possible This Morning replacements for Fern Britton like our lives depended on it. Which they don’t.

Don’t worry, though. This won’t last forever. This time next week, in fact, we’ll be bombarding you with Big Brother profiles and rundowns. And that’s better, isn’t it? Or worse. But definitely one of those two things. Unless it’s exactly the same. Let’s face it, it’ll be exactly the same.

Anyway, will Emma Forbes be the new This Morning host? Let’s jolly well find out, shall we?

Emma Forbes – Wouldn’t it be nice if Emma Forbes became the new co-host of This Morning? After all, she’s worked with Philip Schofield a number of times in the past, most notably on that Saturday morning kid’s show of theirs. And then, once This Morning is presented by Philip Schofield and Emma Forbes, they can then bring in Trevor And Bloody Simon as gardening experts, can’t they? And then have Shane Richie present a wacky gameshow segment in the middle. And have endless worthy phone-in discussions about acne with sad teenage girls from Bromsgrove. And Five Star can be on it too! And it’ll be great, won’t it? It’ll be lots of fun! You tedious, tedious bellends. Stop it. Stop it now.

Tomorrow: Coleen Nolan!

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Why hello there. You’re just in time for the greatest thing you will see all day, provided you have exceptionally low standards.

It’s the next part in our breathtaking ‘Who’s going to take over from Fern Britton as co-host of This Morning?’ rundown. Every day until Big Brother starts, we’ll be profiling a contender to become the new female presenter of ITV’s daytime behemoth This Morning. Unless a new co-host is announced before then, of course. In which case we’re effed.

Still, here’s the rundown for Ulrika Jonsson…

Ulrika Jonsson – We’ll admit it; it’d be nice if Ulrika Jonsson got the This Morning job. No, really, it would. The poor woman’s got several mouths to feed at the moment – with potentially a few more on the way if the male guests don’t keep their dressing room doors locked properly – and she’s still on a high from winning Celebrity Big Brother this year. Obviously, if her journalism is anything to go by, everything Ulrika Jonsson would say on This Morning would be prefaced by “As a mother…” which would get tiresome extremely quickly. But then again it doesn’t really matter because we never watch This Morning anyway. Honestly, it’s all meaningless to us.

Tomorrow: Emma Forbes

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Look, OK, we KNOW. We know our organisational skills are bad. We thought Big Brother started this week. It doesn’t.

Big Brother starts next week. And that’s left us with a gap to fill each morning. So, like anyone with any common sense would, we’ve decided to dedicate these next few 10am slots to discovering who’ll replace Fern Britton as the female host of This Morning. Try not to get too excited.

Anyway, we’re kicking things off with Kerry Katona, so that’s something at least…

Kerry Katona – There’s one very simple reason why Kerry Katona won’t take over Fern Britton’s job on This Morning. No, it’s not because her wayward behaviour would throw the show into catastrophe day after day. And it’s not because the sight of a human car-crash bawling “IYMA TWENNYATEYEEROLE WOMMA!” again and again during an item on cervical smears would put the old people off their elevenses. It’s not even because Kerry Katona hates Philip Schofield and refuses to talk to him. No, it’s because if Kerry Katona presented This Morning, then the studio would be full of the This Morning camera crew, the MTV camera crew filming Kerry Katona being filmed by the This Morning camera crew, and the paparazzi taking pictures of the MTV camera crew filming Kerry Katona being filmed by the This Morning camera crew. Logistically, it’d be a nightmare.

Tomorrow: Ulrika Jonsson. Steady yourselves.

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Sadly, though, that theory has been shot to pieces by the recent revelation that Fern Britton’s drastic sudden weight-loss wasn’t because she started eating healthily or riding her bike around like she told everyone, but because she’s had a dirty great gastric band fitted down her gut-hole.

Obviously by misleading the public like this Fern Britton has risked the future of her £700,000 a year job hosting This Morning, and we’re sure she’s acutely feeling the pressure of that right now. And you know what’s good for stress? Cake. Lots of cake. And sausages. Cake and sausages. And fried eggs. And 18lb cheese wheels. Go get ‘em, Fern. They’ll always be your friends.

Fat celebrities are so tiresome, aren’t they? Call them fat and they’ll bang on forever about how they’re happy in their own skin and don’t want to be judged by society’s faddish youth-obsessed standards – but then when they do manage to lose a bit of weight they’re all over the sodding place, bragging about how much better they feel and filming ‘look at me’ fitness DVDs and strutting around on TV in bikinis even though they’ve got so much loose skin hanging off them that even the slightest breeze would shoot them up into the nearest ceiling fan and cover everyone in a 50ft radius with guts and partially-digested Krisprolls.

One of these celebrities, as it turns out, is Fern Britton from This Morning. Not so long ago she was a plump size 22 who’d ironically advertise Ryvita and tell everyone that she was perfectly at ease with her weight. Next thing you you she’s a relatively slender size 16 who credits healthy eating and cycling for her weight loss and chucks out Pilates DVDs so that fat women everywhere could be more like her.

However, if Fern Britton really did want fat women to be more like her, she should have released a DVD entitled Getting A Gastric Band Wrapped Round Your Guts On The Sly And Then Bullshitting About It The Fern Britton Way, because that’s what she actually did. And now people are so appalled by the way that Fern mislead them that they’re muttering about her resignation.

OK, not people as such. Newspapers, mainly. But that’s just as good. However, it looks like Fern Britton’s job is safe for the time being, as The Mirror reports:

Fern Britton faces her viewers on TV today after admitting her drastic weight loss is due to a gastric band – not healthy eating and exercise as she claimed. The host of ITV’s This Morning, who shed five stone, was forced to admit yesterday she had the operation two years ago and was “very pleased with the results”… A spokeswoman told the Mirror: “This doesn’t affect her job at all.” Asked if Fern will make a statement on today’s show she said: “It will be something the production team will be considering but I don’t know.”

The spokeswoman is right – it’s absolutely ludicrous to assume that Fern Britton would resign from This Morning just because she didn’t tell anyone that she snuck off and had a plasticuff wrapped tightly around her gut to stop her from eating so much.

Of course, if it affects her work then it’s a different matter. If, for instance, Fern Britton has to stop her infectious onscreen bouts of laughter because she’s worried that her gastric band will ping off, causing the four months’ worth of cream cakes and pizza that’s backed up in her oesophagus at any one time to shoot directly down into her stomach, instantly bloating her out until her clothes rip and she’s just a big, naked, perfectly spherical glob of cholesterol rolling around on the floor and crying a lot, then maybe now really is the time for her to leave.

Although we hope that doesn’t happen because Fern’s ace and who’d replace her? Twiggy again? We’ll take our chances, thanks.