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New This Morning Host: Davina McCall?

August 5th, 2012 By Stuart Heritage

We’ve finally reached the end of our interminable search to find Fern Britton’s replacement on This Morning.

What does that mean? It means that in a few weeks’ time, one of the contenders who we’ve profiled will definitely become the new host of This Morning. Unless someone else does. Or Philip Schofield decides to go it alone. Or the entire ITV building topples over and falls into the river. Either way, it won’t affect your life in the slightest so it doesn’t really matter.

Here, then, is the This Morning rundown for Davina McCall…

New This Morning Presenter: Melanie Sykes?

August 5th, 2012 By Stuart Heritage

Two days left to go on our thorough? – some would say tedious – earch to find the new replacement for Fern Britton on This Morning.

And with two days left, that can only mean that we’re playing with the big boys. You know, the megastars, the presenters who’ve left an indelible mark on the public consciousness, the heroes, the wizards, the globally-recognised celebrities.

So here’s the This Morning rundown for Melanie Sykes. Melanie Sykes. Oh, come on, you know her. You do…

Next This Morning Host: Myleene Klass?

August 5th, 2012 By Stuart Heritage

So, we have some good news and some bad news for you. The first piece of news is that we’re still thumping out these predictions to see who’ll take over from Fern Britton as the host of This Morning.

The other piece of news is that on Friday we’ll replace it with news about Big Brother. Hey, wait a minute, that’s not good news and bad news! That’s bad news and bad news! Oh, how depressing.

Anyway, here are the chances of Myleene Klass being made the new host of This Morning…

New This Morning Host: Christine Bleakley?

August 5th, 2012 By Stuart Heritage

It’s week two of our hunt to find Fern Britton’s This Morning replacement. Week two, for crying out loud. What are we thinking?

You know, we think we’re wasting our time here. This Morning doesn’t need to replace Fern Britton at all. What This Morning needs to do is bring back Fred Talbot, knock up a scale model of the British isles and let him leap around it describing the weather. That’s when This Morning went south, not when Cackly McLardypants resigned. Oh, why won’t anyone listen to us?

Anyway, here’s the This Morning rundown for Christine Bleakley…

New This Morning Host: Coleen Nolan?

August 5th, 2012 By Stuart Heritage

Here we are, at the end of the first week of our search for Fern Britton’s replacement on This Morning.

That’s right – we said our first week. There’s more of this coming next week. Really, you shouldn’t thank us. No, no, you’re too kind. And best of all, the ones next week will all be legitimate contenders for the job, so it’ll be even harder to make jokes about them. Fun!

Anyway, here’s our rundown on Coleen Nolan becoming the new This Morning host…

New This Morning Host: Emma Forbes?

August 5th, 2012 By Stuart Heritage

Here we are again, churning out possible This Morning replacements for Fern Britton like our lives depended on it. Which they don’t.

Don’t worry, though. This won’t last forever. This time next week, in fact, we’ll be bombarding you with Big Brother profiles and rundowns. And that’s better, isn’t it? Or worse. But definitely one of those two things. Unless it’s exactly the same. Let’s face it, it’ll be exactly the same.

Anyway, will Emma Forbes be the new This Morning host? Let’s jolly well find out, shall we?

New This Morning Host: Ulrika Jonsson?

August 5th, 2012 By Stuart Heritage

Why hello there. You’re just in time for the greatest thing you will see all day, provided you have exceptionally low standards.

It’s the next part in our breathtaking ‘Who’s going to take over from Fern Britton as co-host of This Morning?’ rundown. Every day until Big Brother starts, we’ll be profiling a contender to become the new female presenter of ITV’s daytime behemoth This Morning. Unless a new co-host is announced before then, of course. In which case we’re effed.

Still, here’s the rundown for Ulrika Jonsson…

New This Morning Co-Host: Kerry Katona?

August 5th, 2012 By Stuart Heritage

Look, OK, we KNOW. We know our organisational skills are bad. We thought Big Brother started this week. It doesn’t.

Big Brother starts next week. And that’s left us with a gap to fill each morning. So, like anyone with any common sense would, we’ve decided to dedicate these next few 10am slots to discovering who’ll replace Fern Britton as the female host of This Morning. Try not to get too excited.

Anyway, we’re kicking things off with Kerry Katona, so that’s something at least…

Fern Britton: A Big Fat Not Especially Fat Liar

March 24th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

As the host of a daytime TV show and something called Soapstar Superstar, Fern Britton’s integrity is as beyond reproach as most high-level politicians and the clergy.

Sadly, though, that theory has been shot to pieces by the recent revelation that Fern Britton’s drastic sudden weight-loss wasn’t because she started eating healthily or riding her bike around like she told everyone, but because she’s had a dirty great gastric band fitted down her gut-hole.

Obviously by misleading the public like this Fern Britton has risked the future of her £700,000 a year job hosting This Morning, and we’re sure she’s acutely feeling the pressure of that right now. And you know what’s good for stress? Cake. Lots of cake. And sausages. Cake and sausages. And fried eggs. And 18lb cheese wheels. Go get ’em, Fern. They’ll always be your friends.