Hey, remember that time that Josh Duhamel was accused of cheating on Fergie by boning a stripper?

Sure you do. It only happened a week ago. What? You’ve forgotten already, on the basis that Josh Duhamel is the dullest man who’s ever lived? You think that wasting even a drop of brainpower on someone as inherently dreary as Josh Duhamel is a criminal misuse of humanity’s potential? Yeah, us too, actually.

But tough, because the stripper who Josh Duhamel allegedly had his ferociously mundane way with isn’t letting go of her moment in the spotlight. She’s publicly apologised to Fergie for having sex with her husband, whatever his name is. We’ve forgotten already. That’s how boring he is.

We’re ready to declare this – Josh Duhamel is a genius. Somehow he’s managed to become so unremittingly dull that he can get away with anything he likes. Take this stripper thing – Josh has been accused of having sex with a stripper behind Fergie’s back. Anybody else would have been hounded by the press until they broke down and confessed, but not Josh Duhamel. Josh Duhamel is so boring that nobody cares.

It’s such a brilliant tactic. Nobody can rouse any enthusiasm for anything he does, so he may as well do whatever he likes. If Josh Duhamel can get away with allegedly having it off with a stripper, then he should see what else he can do before anyone starts to notice him. He should rob banks, happyslap pensioners for their chips and start annexing small European principalities willy nilly. Sure, it’d annoy people but, so long as it was being done by Josh Duhamel, nobody would be able to rouse the enthusiasm to complain about any of it.

But just because Josh Duhamel is a wandering vacuum of all-encompassing nothingness, it doesn’t mean that everyone’s given up on the stripper story. Nicole Forrester, the stripper at the centre of all this, is still doing her best to bang on about it at every opportunity. So much so, in fact, that she’s decided to publicly apologise to Fergie for all the terrible things she did with Josh, just to string out her 15 minutes. US Magazine reports:

“I’m sorry.” At the time of the one-night stand, she explains “I thought, ‘Nobody’s gonna find out. It’s not gonna hurt anybody… I’m sorry that I didn’t think of it like I think of it now.” Things have been tough for Forrester since the news broke. Her son even told her “‘you’re disgusting. I didn’t know you had sex with him,’” she claims.

You have to feel for Nicole Forrester. After all, how was she to know that allegedly sleeping with a married actor and then voluntarily doing numerous high profile paid interviews about it on TV, radio and in print would lead to people finding out about it? She’s the real victim here. That poor woman.

Still, at least the total public apathy towards Nicole Forrester’s claims mean that Josh Duhamel’s film career won’t be put in any danger. He’ll still be able to turn out first-class performances like he did in… oh, look, we don’t know. We can’t even be arsed to Google him. He’ll be fine.

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We know what you’re thinking – why would Josh Duhamel even think about cheating on Fergie with a stripper?

Well, let’s count the ways. First, both Josh Duhamel and Fergie are apart a lot. Then there’s the knowledge that he’d be having sex with someone statistically less likely to burst into My Humps during orgasm. And also, if you enjoy having sex with people with a fondness for crystal meth – like Fergie does – but you don’t enjoy hearing them bang on about it all the time – like Fergie does – then where do you go? That’s right, the strip club.

Nevertheless, Josh Duhamel says that he definitely didn’t have sex with a stripper, even though the stripper says he definitely did.

What is it with the cast of Transformers, eh? First Shia LaBeouf knackers his hand in a car crash, then everyone decides that they hate Megan Fox and now Josh Duhamel – boring old Josh Duhamel, the boring one from Transformers who’s so unremittingly boring that you wouldn’t notice if he was replaced by a sheet of plywood with a jawline painted onto it – has been accused of having it off with a stripper behind his wife Fergie’s back. Next thing you know, Optimus Prime’s going to get caught jerking off a ladyboy behind a branch of Dorothy Perkins and we’ll all be done for.

But we digress. This is about Josh Duhamel, the boring husband of Fergie from Black Eyed Peas, and the accusations that he did it with a stripper in Atlanta. Apparently, according to the stripper herself, Josh Duhamel met her at the club where she works, claimed he was a porn star, took her number, invited her back to his hotel room and had it away with her while he was drunk.

Duhamel has repeatedly denied this accusation, although the stripper – a woman named Nicole Forrester – claims she has text message and polygraph results to prove that she’s telling the truth. And, as E! Online reports, she didn’t to to the press with the story, and she’s only making such a big deal about this because she doesn’t like being called a liar:

She denies feeding the story to the National Enquirer herself, saying that the tabloid came to her, offering her $500 just to come in and talk, after an anonymous tipster reported that Duhamel was bragging on the set that he had “banged a hot, blond stripper at Tattletales.”

Now we don’t know one way or the other, but from the paragraph above we think we can see where Josh Duhamel made his first mistake. He went to a strip club called Tattletales, for crying out loud. Look, Josh, we know you’re not exactly known for your towering intellect, but Tattletales? What, couldn’t you find a strip club called I Promise To Go To The Press About You While I’m Rinsing Myself Out Afterwards?

But it’s Fergie who’s the real victim here. We wonder how she’s taking it, and hope that her torment ends soon. Unless it’s caused her take a vow of silence, of course. If that’s the case then we hope her torment lasts for about a decade.

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But now she’s also Mrs Duhamel. On Saturday Fergie married dangerously minor actor Josh Duhamel during a beautiful ceremony in Malibu. So, you know, if you thought you’d heard the story about how Fergie took crystal meth as a kid too often, have a little sympathy for Josh Duhamel – he’ll have to hear it every day until he dies.

Best of all though, every single D-lister who’s ever walked the earth saw Fergie and Duhamel get married. Oh Sarin, you’re never there when you’re needed.

So far, 2009 hasn’t been a happy one for celebrity romances. Lindsay Lohan and Sam Ronson are on the rocks. Jennifer Love-Hewitt has split up with her fiancee and so has Katy Perry. Lily Allen split up with that very old man she kept snogging on the beach. Sarah Jessica Parker’s about to split up with Matthew Broderick, Jennifer Lopez is about to split up with Marc Anthony and Patricia Arquette and her husband have split up. And we’re only 12 days into 2009, for crying out loud.

What we need is a burst of positivity – an affirmation of the power of love by a superstar. And did that happen at the weekend? Well, no. OK, an affirmation of the power of love by a regular star? No, that didn’t happen either? OK, well did the screeching labia-obsessed woman from Black Eyed Peas get married to an actor who’s inexplicably even less famous than her? Yes, apparently that last one did happen. So let’s go with that.

On Saturday Fergie – the one from Black Eyed Peas who wets herself and used to take crystal meth you know – got married to Josh Duhamel, who’ll you know as the one from Transformers who wasn’t Jon Voight, Shia LaBeouf, Megan Fox or one of the giant borderline-offensive Ebonics-speaking robots. People reports on the ceremony:

The Black Eyed Peas singer, 33, wearing a Dolce & Gabbana gown, and the actor, 36, tied the knot at the Church Estates Vineyards in Malibu. Fergie carried a bouquet of white flowers studded with crystals as the couple exchanged H. Stern rings engraved with personal messages. Ten bridesmaids were dressed in contrasting black. The ceremony was followed by a reception in a tent decorated as a forest of trees.

White flowers studded with crystals? Nice. It just goes to show that while you can’t buy class, you can buy, um, some white flowers studded with crystals. We think that was our original point there.

Anyway, more impressive than the flower/crystal mash-up was the wedding’s guestlist. All the other members of Black Eyed Peas saw Fergie marry Josh Duhamel, as did AC Slater from Saved By The Bell, the bloke from Kangaroo Jack, Kid Rock, the one from Bride Wars who isn’t Anne Hathaway, a female wrestler and – oddly – Slash. We don’t know what Slash was doing there. Maybe he mistook it for a version of the November Rain video and was waiting for someone to ask him to play a nine-hour directionless solo on the edge of a cliff or something.

Anyway, congratulations to both Fergie and Josh Duhamel. Now don’t get pregnant for a while, will you, because we’ve used up the three facts we know about either of you here and we can’t be bothered to do any more research. Deal?

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Luckily, one poverty-stricken family in Hull will be getting that exact treatment. Minor royal and all-around annoyance Fergie is going to live with them to help shine a light on what life's like for the cruel minority who, for whatever reason, don't live in massive New York penthouse apartments.

Fergie's doing this for a new ITV reality show, of course, called The Duchess In Hull. It'll be broadcast in the summer, backed by an ITV2 spin-off show called Someone Get Me The Bleach, One Of Them Just Touched Me And I Don't Want To Catch AIDS.

Say what you like about ITV, but you can't deny that it loves its poor people. The Jeremy Kyle Show may as well be called Bad-Suited Pikey-Taunt Hour, while every couple of weeks there'll be a Tonight With Trevor McDonald special called I Sold My Baby To Buy Chips.

This could be because poor people are the only ones desperate enough to spend whatever pittance they earn texting ITV competitions to try and win one of the cash prizes that keeps getting dangled an inch from their face during GMTV and This Morning – but regardless of the reason, ITV has decided to rope in a minor royal to augment its celebration of poverty this summer.  

Fergie – not the knicker-wetting Black Eyed Pea Fergie but the middle-aged ginger woman who used to be married to one of the Queen's sons Fergie – has signed up for new ITV reality show The Duchess In Hull, where she'll visit Preston Road, one of the poorest communities in the country, trail a bunch of single mothers and tut every time they eat crisps as The Times reports:

She promised to use her experience of “eating disorders, low self-esteem, family conflict, financial crisis, divorce and bereavement” to help families on the estate to improve their lifestyle…Families in Preston Road have some of the lowest incomes in Britain, as well as high levels of teenage pregnancy, crime and unemployment. The estate has been selected for a £55 million regeneration scheme. The duchess said: “I do like being with people at street level, where I feel they accept me as I am.” … On her first day she was taken on a shopping expedition with fellow single mothers to Netto, a low-budget supermarket. The duchess picked out cream crackers and margarine.

Funny that, because if we were Fergie we'd hate for people to accept us as we are. That's because Fergie is essentially a needy overprivileged aristocrat who was briefly the most ridiculed woman in the country and seems to think that poor people will take to her because she's a single mother, even though one of her kids is on the cover of fucking Tatler this month and her mother-in-law is the sodding Queen of pissing England. Accepting us for what we are would be the last thing we'd want people to do.

Anyway, it seems as if Fergie's stay with the poor did the trick, because one woman she stayed claims to have lost a stone in a single week thanks to Fergie's intervention. Well, stamping your feet and screaming "I hate that stupid jumped-up cow!" non-stop does burn up a lot of calories.

Read more:

Duchess of York gives diet and debt advice to city’s poor families - Times 

Though in actual fact Fergie has not lost control of her faculties during a live show for quite some time. Apparently she has done so many sit-ups her bladder has regressed into her cleavage, where it occasionally swells up for photo shoots and pre-coital heaving.

During their Tuesday gig to promote the opening of the Hard Rock hotel in the city, The Black Eyed peas – consisting of Fergie, apl.de.ap, Taboo, will.i.am, Conceited.com, Boba Fett and Haile Selassie – were bobbing away like an elderly pantomime troupe until San Diego police pulled their plug for exceeding noise levels.

"Fergie said they would close the show with 'Where Is the Love?" commented a hotel representative. "She said it was for our friends – the police – in the lobby."

Of course Fergie was gracious – the concert was cutting into her all-important texting time. How can a 48-year-old woman with a face resembling Shere Khan possibly retain her appeal to the world's teenage mums without it?

Presumably the Peas must sample Fergie's mobile phone for most of its records, as every recent release has sounded like a cross between a ZX Spectrum loading and a travel alarm clock.

Yet despite finishing early, the entire 1,200 strong crowd of sonically-impaired revellers left happy and singing and off to the nearest newsstand to buy a Pepsi.

Incidentally The Black Eyed Peas donated the show’s profits to their chosen charity, The Peapod Foundation.

This does not, as we initially thought, represent the dying wishes of underprivileged garden vegetables, but rather distribute aid to needy and exploited children. Handily, many of these are actually situated in the same sweatshop where the group buys their trainers.

Read More:

Black Eyed Peas’ Police Trouble – Female First