The Black Eyed Peas announcement of their hiatus was one of the most beautiful sounds ever to hit the human ear. Scientists have recently revealed that the announcement overtook such sounds as Verdi’s La Traviata and Margaret Thatcher’s resignation speech as one of the most delightful sounds ever uttered.

That was until they decided they would eventually come back.

As if it wasn’t bad enough that the multi-million selling idiot’s lantern known as the Black Eyed Peas were going to go and work on their own projects (which would presumably mean Fergie is working on yet another Golden Shower fetish video), frontfool William or Will.I.Am as wankily insists on being called told Ellen DeGeneres that they would be back in good time.

While we all hope that “in good time” means when Hell freezes over and the spectres of death stalk the earth, we imagine it will probably be more like a couple of years. That means that Summer 2013 will see every single sports wrap, advert, TV talent show and blithering idiot using the latest heavily sampled BEP tune as their “anfem”. Can this be allowed?

It doesn’t matter. We don’t have any control over it.

Of course, many possible explanations for the Peas’ hiatus have been touted with many pundits suggesting that “the other two” are going to use the time to convince people that they actually offer something to the group and Will.I.Am will spend most of the time trying to convince the world that he’s never ridden rough-shod over Cheryl Cole.

However, hecklerspray can exclusively reveal that we know why they’ve taken a hiatus.

As everyone knows, the Black Eyed Peas have now sampled every single song ever written by human hands, leaving only ELO’s catalogue (of course written by renowned android Roy Wood) untouched. The only reason the Black Eyed Peas would go on hiatus is blatantly obvious. There is no more music for them to ruin.

By waiting a couple of years, more songs will have been made and thus they will have some material to make a couple of hideous albums and make another pile of cash before disappearing back into the off-key, auto-tuned ether. Are the Black Eyed Peas a self-fulfilling prophecy? It’s possible.

Lucky us.

Have you noticed a trend in pop that sees artists sampling any old shit, rather than sourcing something that works right for a song? Eminem sampled Haddaway, Derulo used ‘Day-Oh (The Banana Boat Song)’ and Cher Lloyd unironically sang the tune from ‘Oh My Darling, Clementine’.

Who is to blame for this? The Black Eyed Peas, that’s who. Have you heard their use of ‘The Time Of My Life’? Crow-barred, lowest common denominating nonsense to provide modernity to familiarity, thereby, maximising sales and opportunities to get played at weddings and bar mitzvahs.

And now, having fully completed Operation Spoil Music For Everyone, they’re able to take a nice long break, knowing that their work is done. Seriously. They’re totally splitting up.

Pop the corks! Roll out the bunting! Put the heating on for half an hour longer than usual! The Black Eyed Peas, the scourge of ears around the world and owners of the title of Worst Super Bowl Halftime Show EVER, are going away for a long time!

HURRAY!

Of course, we won’t get rid of them that easily. They’re like cockroaches. You stomp on ‘em and they leak eggs, ready to make more abominations.

One of the band members who isn’t Fergie or will.i.am… possibly the one that looks like the Jitsu He-Man figure, said:

“We’re going to take a little vacation and focus on our personal things.”

will.i.am threatened the world via dead-eyed Ellen DeGeneres:

“[BEP] always have two cycles of records and then we take a break.”

“When we take breaks you know, we work on side projects and get our personal stuff in order to then come back and make beautiful music”

BEAUTIFUL MUSIC? BEAUTIFUL?

Bands and gimmicks – who’d have thought that some artists use them as a fall back when we realise that the music they release is gash? Fake London type Pete Doherty has a hilarious heroin routine which sees him in constant bother with the local law enforcement. Elsewhere, X-Factor winner Leona Lewis continues in her quest to make a tin of paint seem more exciting than her personality.

So one band we can never work is American chumps The Black Eyed Peas. Fronted by a man whose mother has a terrible understanding of grammar, will.i.am and joined by Fergie, a woman who isn’t shy of urinating herself on-stage for either her own sick pleasure, or fans of golden showers. Grammar and whizzing your pants. Some gimmick!

Anogther trick used by the band is to employ the thinking that using choruses from other people’s songs and releasing them for thick people to buy. However, one of their songs will never be played again. You see, ‘My Humps’ has gotten into all-sorts of complicated legal mishaps.

The song itself is something Hugh Hefner would give a personal seal of approval on. It sounds like some sort of appreciation of women with small breasts. How refreshing to hear that The Black Eyed Peas won’t discriminate people depending on the size of their mammaries.

However, if some of the hecklerspray writers got their moobs out and rubbed them in the face of Will.I.Am, we doubt he’d be inking raps that sing our praises. Feel free to view the video monstrosity for yourself, featuring all sorts of over the top brand placement for stuff you’ll never be able to afford:

At the time of its release, My Humps sold bucket loads, but not all of the work on the track can be accredited to the band.

Due to the tedious nature of sampling, certain parts of My Humps had been borrowed from a track from some unknown DJ going under the catchy title of DJ Orrin Lynn Tolliver.

Released under the name Sexual Harassment with collaborator James McCant, there is a striking resemblance to what The Black Eyed Peas vomited out:

Squabbles broke out over the use of the sample and a judge subsequently ruled in favour of DJ Orrin Lynn Tolliver, rewarding him with $1.2 million in damages and profits – but not Sexual Harassment. Confused? Let us badly explain.

This is where you’d probably expect us to go on a rant where we’d call Will.I.Am and his band a load of sample lifting bandits. However, the original song was recorded by DJ Tolliver with James McCant. McCant was the person who seemingly licensed out the track to The Black Eyed Peas without telling his mate, DJ Tolliver. He got upset that he was never asked and then ironically made more money that if he’d given permission. The moral of the story? Basically, if your mate sells out without your knowledge, you can pretty much cash in at some point.

Does will.i.am know about this fierce legal battle? Probably not, not judging by this quote anyway:

“It wasn’t lyrical miracles. It got to the point where we didn’t want to play it no more. But the beat was rocking.”

Aww, a “lyrical miracle.” It sounds like something that would appear in a gangster rappers first “wurdz” book when they learn to read and write at the age of 14.

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If the Black Eyed Peas brand of dreadful music wasn’t bad enough, they’re going to infect your games console by making a game for you to get furious with, leaving you kicking your controllers out of the window and throttling yourself with the plug flex.

That’s right! will.i.am, Fergie and the other two who don’t seem to do much will be prancing around in a game… but what will it be like?

Well, rumour has it that it’ll be one of those dreary things where you dance and singalonga to the monstrous hits they’ve made. However, if the developers are reading this, they should hear our ideas first because they’re miles better and guaranteed to make they game sell roughly a million less copies.

BEP have teamed up with Ubisoft, whose created the popular Just Dance software. They’re now going to make The Black Eyed Peas Experience on Nintendo Wii, Xbox 360 and ZX Spectrum 48k

Ubisoft head Yves Guillemot says:

“The Black Eyed Peas are a worldwide phenomenon and Ubisoft is the worldwide leader in dance games – together we are going to make The Black Eyed Peas Experience a game that fans around the world will love”.

Fergie adds:

“It’s a perfect fit for us. The Black Eyed Peas are bringing the party to the people”

That’s all well and good, but wouldn’t it be better if a game was created on Fergie’s bladder called ‘Correct Yoself Before You We Yoself’ where players are encouraged to warble hysterically while soiling themselves? The grace in which you deal with public urination will get you points, with bonuses being offered for little accidental poos that you do.

Or perhaps there could be a Streets Of Rage style game where the four Peas roam the streets with pipes and knives… however, the object is to get your arse handed to you as comprehensively as possible. That would be easy enough with the one with the stupid name who is going blind.

Maybe, finally, there could be a game created by Ubisoft that is an original idea that has no awful celebrity tie-in? How about that?

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Everyone loves Cheryl Cole – what with her shiny hair, impenetrable regional accent and fondness for morons.

She’s adorable. Cheryl Cole is so adorable, in fact, that the Black Eyed Peas are quickly falling under her spell. There have long been rumours that Will.I.Am and Cheryl Cole either had or are having some sort of romance, and now his bandmate Fergie has joined the party by admitting a crush on Cheryl too. Cheryl’s a lucky woman – what we wouldn’t give to be wooed by an occasionally incontinent bisexual former meth addict.

So that’s half of the Black Eyed Peas who now love Cheryl Cole. Maybe more – for all we know the other two could be in love with her as well. It’s hard to say for sure, though, because we don’t know how they feel. Or what their names are. Or what they look like, actually.

Whatever it is about Cheryl Cole – maybe it’s her absurd dress sense or her ability to cry on live TV – she certainly knows how to make men fall for her. Right now, for example, nobody knows whether or now she’s going out with Will.I.Am from the Black Eyed Peas or that dancer bloke. And, don’t forget, Ashley Cole loved her so much that he only ever knowingly vomited on one drunk hairdresser during intercourse behind her back. For Ashley Cole, that’s an impressive display of commitment.

But it’s not just men who love Cheryl Cole. According to a report – albeit a report that appears to have been written one-handed by a sweaty 14-year-old boy – Fergie from the Black Eyed Peas also wants a slice of Cheryl’s pie. And by ‘pie’ we think we mean ‘vagina’. The Sun reports:

The Black Eyed Peas singer said Cheryl was “hot enough to turn anyone”. Fergie, 35, added: “Some girls you look at and think, ‘Damn, you shouldn’t look that good’. Cheryl is one of them. She has this quality that turns powerful men into giggly schoolboys. Any guy that ends up with her will be lucky. It might not be a man. I’d take her out on a date and she knows it.”

It looks like Cheryl’s spoilt for choices at the moment, so who will she end up with? The dancer who’s linked to her because he wants to be more famous? The rapper who’s linked to her because she wants to be more famous? The woman primarily known for having the weakest bladder in pop? Some other numbskull who wants to momentarily boost their profile by pretending to fancy her? We just don’t know.

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No, not Fergie from the Black Eyed Peas. And not Sir Alex Ferguson. The other Fergie. The one who used to be famous.

Remember? Ginger? Unbearably posh? Briefly married to the least essential member of any royal family from any country at any point in human history? Remember her? Fergie? No? Oh well.

Anyway, this weekend Fergie was caught by a newspaper in a sting operation offering strangers access to her ex-husband Prince Andrew for half a million pounds. And now she’s sorry. She’s sorry for abusing her position of authority. Or she’s sorry for assuming that people would want to spend half a million pounds gaining access to Prince Andrew. Or for making everyone remember that she exists. Or, oh, something.

Wow, imagine getting access to Prince Andrew. Imagine how amazing that would be. Imagine all the things you could do if you had five minutes alone with him. You could check to see how webbed his toes are, or you could jab a pin into his thigh to see if he can respond to affective sensation like a normal human being, or you could just repeatedly ask him what the point of him is. Who wouldn’t want to pay half a million pounds for that?

So you can’t blame his ex-wife Fergie for wanting to cash in on that basic human desire. That’s why it was no surprise to see Fergie in a newspaper yesterday, trying to sell access to Prince Andrew to an undercover reporter for half a million pounds. It’s big news. Or at least it would be if Fergie was still a newsworthy figure, or if Prince Andrew was an important member of the royal family, or if anybody could bring themselves to care about any of this even for a second.

But still, Fergie has apologised for it anyway. The Sun reports:

Fergie said after her betrayal of Andrew was caught on film: “I very deeply regret the situation and the embarrassment caused. My financial situation is under stress – however, that is no excuse for a serious lapse in judgment. I am very sorry this has happened. I can confirm the Duke of York was not aware or involved in any of the discussions that occurred. I am sincerely sorry for my actions.”

So that’s that all cleared up, then. Remember – Prince Andrew played no part in any of this. He is not a prostitute. Prostitutes tend to have some human emotions, after all.

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Hey, remember that time that Josh Duhamel was accused of cheating on Fergie by boning a stripper?

Sure you do. It only happened a week ago. What? You’ve forgotten already, on the basis that Josh Duhamel is the dullest man who’s ever lived? You think that wasting even a drop of brainpower on someone as inherently dreary as Josh Duhamel is a criminal misuse of humanity’s potential? Yeah, us too, actually.

But tough, because the stripper who Josh Duhamel allegedly had his ferociously mundane way with isn’t letting go of her moment in the spotlight. She’s publicly apologised to Fergie for having sex with her husband, whatever his name is. We’ve forgotten already. That’s how boring he is.

We’re ready to declare this – Josh Duhamel is a genius. Somehow he’s managed to become so unremittingly dull that he can get away with anything he likes. Take this stripper thing – Josh has been accused of having sex with a stripper behind Fergie’s back. Anybody else would have been hounded by the press until they broke down and confessed, but not Josh Duhamel. Josh Duhamel is so boring that nobody cares.

It’s such a brilliant tactic. Nobody can rouse any enthusiasm for anything he does, so he may as well do whatever he likes. If Josh Duhamel can get away with allegedly having it off with a stripper, then he should see what else he can do before anyone starts to notice him. He should rob banks, happyslap pensioners for their chips and start annexing small European principalities willy nilly. Sure, it’d annoy people but, so long as it was being done by Josh Duhamel, nobody would be able to rouse the enthusiasm to complain about any of it.

But just because Josh Duhamel is a wandering vacuum of all-encompassing nothingness, it doesn’t mean that everyone’s given up on the stripper story. Nicole Forrester, the stripper at the centre of all this, is still doing her best to bang on about it at every opportunity. So much so, in fact, that she’s decided to publicly apologise to Fergie for all the terrible things she did with Josh, just to string out her 15 minutes. US Magazine reports:

“I’m sorry.” At the time of the one-night stand, she explains “I thought, ‘Nobody’s gonna find out. It’s not gonna hurt anybody… I’m sorry that I didn’t think of it like I think of it now.” Things have been tough for Forrester since the news broke. Her son even told her “‘you’re disgusting. I didn’t know you had sex with him,’” she claims.

You have to feel for Nicole Forrester. After all, how was she to know that allegedly sleeping with a married actor and then voluntarily doing numerous high profile paid interviews about it on TV, radio and in print would lead to people finding out about it? She’s the real victim here. That poor woman.

Still, at least the total public apathy towards Nicole Forrester’s claims mean that Josh Duhamel’s film career won’t be put in any danger. He’ll still be able to turn out first-class performances like he did in… oh, look, we don’t know. We can’t even be arsed to Google him. He’ll be fine.

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We know what you’re thinking – why would Josh Duhamel even think about cheating on Fergie with a stripper?

Well, let’s count the ways. First, both Josh Duhamel and Fergie are apart a lot. Then there’s the knowledge that he’d be having sex with someone statistically less likely to burst into My Humps during orgasm. And also, if you enjoy having sex with people with a fondness for crystal meth – like Fergie does – but you don’t enjoy hearing them bang on about it all the time – like Fergie does – then where do you go? That’s right, the strip club.

Nevertheless, Josh Duhamel says that he definitely didn’t have sex with a stripper, even though the stripper says he definitely did.

What is it with the cast of Transformers, eh? First Shia LaBeouf knackers his hand in a car crash, then everyone decides that they hate Megan Fox and now Josh Duhamel – boring old Josh Duhamel, the boring one from Transformers who’s so unremittingly boring that you wouldn’t notice if he was replaced by a sheet of plywood with a jawline painted onto it – has been accused of having it off with a stripper behind his wife Fergie’s back. Next thing you know, Optimus Prime‘s going to get caught jerking off a ladyboy behind a branch of Dorothy Perkins and we’ll all be done for.

But we digress. This is about Josh Duhamel, the boring husband of Fergie from Black Eyed Peas, and the accusations that he did it with a stripper in Atlanta. Apparently, according to the stripper herself, Josh Duhamel met her at the club where she works, claimed he was a porn star, took her number, invited her back to his hotel room and had it away with her while he was drunk.

Duhamel has repeatedly denied this accusation, although the stripper – a woman named Nicole Forrester – claims she has text message and polygraph results to prove that she’s telling the truth. And, as E! Online reports, she didn’t to to the press with the story, and she’s only making such a big deal about this because she doesn’t like being called a liar:

She denies feeding the story to the National Enquirer herself, saying that the tabloid came to her, offering her $500 just to come in and talk, after an anonymous tipster reported that Duhamel was bragging on the set that he had “banged a hot, blond stripper at Tattletales.”

Now we don’t know one way or the other, but from the paragraph above we think we can see where Josh Duhamel made his first mistake. He went to a strip club called Tattletales, for crying out loud. Look, Josh, we know you’re not exactly known for your towering intellect, but Tattletales? What, couldn’t you find a strip club called I Promise To Go To The Press About You While I’m Rinsing Myself Out Afterwards?

But it’s Fergie who’s the real victim here. We wonder how she’s taking it, and hope that her torment ends soon. Unless it’s caused her take a vow of silence, of course. If that’s the case then we hope her torment lasts for about a decade.

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Fergie from Black Eyed Peas goes by many names – Fergie, Stacey Ferguson, The Duchess, The Poundstretcher Madonna.

But now she’s also Mrs Duhamel. On Saturday Fergie married dangerously minor actor Josh Duhamel during a beautiful ceremony in Malibu. So, you know, if you thought you’d heard the story about how Fergie took crystal meth as a kid too often, have a little sympathy for Josh Duhamel – he’ll have to hear it every day until he dies.

Best of all though, every single D-lister who’s ever walked the earth saw Fergie and Duhamel get married. Oh Sarin, you’re never there when you’re needed.

So far, 2009 hasn’t been a happy one for celebrity romances. Lindsay Lohan and Sam Ronson are on the rocks. Jennifer Love-Hewitt has split up with her fiancee and so has Katy Perry. Lily Allen split up with that very old man she kept snogging on the beach. Sarah Jessica Parker‘s about to split up with Matthew Broderick, Jennifer Lopez is about to split up with Marc Anthony and Patricia Arquette and her husband have split up. And we’re only 12 days into 2009, for crying out loud.

What we need is a burst of positivity – an affirmation of the power of love by a superstar. And did that happen at the weekend? Well, no. OK, an affirmation of the power of love by a regular star? No, that didn’t happen either? OK, well did the screeching labia-obsessed woman from Black Eyed Peas get married to an actor who’s inexplicably even less famous than her? Yes, apparently that last one did happen. So let’s go with that.

On Saturday Fergie – the one from Black Eyed Peas who wets herself and used to take crystal meth you know – got married to Josh Duhamel, who’ll you know as the one from Transformers who wasn’t Jon Voight, Shia LaBeouf, Megan Fox or one of the giant borderline-offensive Ebonics-speaking robots. People reports on the ceremony:

The Black Eyed Peas singer, 33, wearing a Dolce & Gabbana gown, and the actor, 36, tied the knot at the Church Estates Vineyards in Malibu. Fergie carried a bouquet of white flowers studded with crystals as the couple exchanged H. Stern rings engraved with personal messages. Ten bridesmaids were dressed in contrasting black. The ceremony was followed by a reception in a tent decorated as a forest of trees.

White flowers studded with crystals? Nice. It just goes to show that while you can’t buy class, you can buy, um, some white flowers studded with crystals. We think that was our original point there.

Anyway, more impressive than the flower/crystal mash-up was the wedding’s guestlist. All the other members of Black Eyed Peas saw Fergie marry Josh Duhamel, as did AC Slater from Saved By The Bell, the bloke from Kangaroo Jack, Kid Rock, the one from Bride Wars who isn’t Anne Hathaway, a female wrestler and – oddly – Slash. We don’t know what Slash was doing there. Maybe he mistook it for a version of the November Rain video and was waiting for someone to ask him to play a nine-hour directionless solo on the edge of a cliff or something.

Anyway, congratulations to both Fergie and Josh Duhamel. Now don’t get pregnant for a while, will you, because we’ve used up the three facts we know about either of you here and we can’t be bothered to do any more research. Deal?

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Like many people, when we have genuinely serious problems our first thought is "Why isn't there a tubby out-of-touch ginger posho millionaire around to shriek patronising advice at us?"

Luckily, one poverty-stricken family in Hull will be getting that exact treatment. Minor royal and all-around annoyance Fergie is going to live with them to help shine a light on what life's like for the cruel minority who, for whatever reason, don't live in massive New York penthouse apartments.

Fergie's doing this for a new ITV reality show, of course, called The Duchess In Hull. It'll be broadcast in the summer, backed by an ITV2 spin-off show called Someone Get Me The Bleach, One Of Them Just Touched Me And I Don't Want To Catch AIDS.

Say what you like about ITV, but you can't deny that it loves its poor people. The Jeremy Kyle Show may as well be called Bad-Suited Pikey-Taunt Hour, while every couple of weeks there'll be a Tonight With Trevor McDonald special called I Sold My Baby To Buy Chips.

This could be because poor people are the only ones desperate enough to spend whatever pittance they earn texting ITV competitions to try and win one of the cash prizes that keeps getting dangled an inch from their face during GMTV and This Morning – but regardless of the reason, ITV has decided to rope in a minor royal to augment its celebration of poverty this summer.  

Fergie – not the knicker-wetting Black Eyed Pea Fergie but the middle-aged ginger woman who used to be married to one of the Queen's sons Fergie – has signed up for new ITV reality show The Duchess In Hull, where she'll visit Preston Road, one of the poorest communities in the country, trail a bunch of single mothers and tut every time they eat crisps as The Times reports:

She promised to use her experience of “eating disorders, low self-esteem, family conflict, financial crisis, divorce and bereavement” to help families on the estate to improve their lifestyle…Families in Preston Road have some of the lowest incomes in Britain, as well as high levels of teenage pregnancy, crime and unemployment. The estate has been selected for a £55 million regeneration scheme. The duchess said: “I do like being with people at street level, where I feel they accept me as I am.” … On her first day she was taken on a shopping expedition with fellow single mothers to Netto, a low-budget supermarket. The duchess picked out cream crackers and margarine.

Funny that, because if we were Fergie we'd hate for people to accept us as we are. That's because Fergie is essentially a needy overprivileged aristocrat who was briefly the most ridiculed woman in the country and seems to think that poor people will take to her because she's a single mother, even though one of her kids is on the cover of fucking Tatler this month and her mother-in-law is the sodding Queen of pissing England. Accepting us for what we are would be the last thing we'd want people to do.

Anyway, it seems as if Fergie's stay with the poor did the trick, because one woman she stayed claims to have lost a stone in a single week thanks to Fergie's intervention. Well, stamping your feet and screaming "I hate that stupid jumped-up cow!" non-stop does burn up a lot of calories.

Read more:

Duchess of York gives diet and debt advice to city’s poor families - Times 

Having their San Diego gig halted by local police was no big deal for Fergie and the Black Eyed Peas. She dedicated the group's hit song Where is the Love? to the unmoved law enforcers before strolling off stage and urinating into her Spandex hotpants.

Though in actual fact Fergie has not lost control of her faculties during a live show for quite some time. Apparently she has done so many sit-ups her bladder has regressed into her cleavage, where it occasionally swells up for photo shoots and pre-coital heaving.

During their Tuesday gig to promote the opening of the Hard Rock hotel in the city, The Black Eyed peas – consisting of Fergie, apl.de.ap, Taboo, will.i.am, Conceited.com, Boba Fett and Haile Selassie – were bobbing away like an elderly pantomime troupe until San Diego police pulled their plug for exceeding noise levels.

"Fergie said they would close the show with 'Where Is the Love?" commented a hotel representative. "She said it was for our friends – the police – in the lobby."

Of course Fergie was gracious – the concert was cutting into her all-important texting time. How can a 48-year-old woman with a face resembling Shere Khan possibly retain her appeal to the world's teenage mums without it?

Presumably the Peas must sample Fergie's mobile phone for most of its records, as every recent release has sounded like a cross between a ZX Spectrum loading and a travel alarm clock.

Yet despite finishing early, the entire 1,200 strong crowd of sonically-impaired revellers left happy and singing and off to the nearest newsstand to buy a Pepsi.

Incidentally The Black Eyed Peas donated the show’s profits to their chosen charity, The Peapod Foundation.

This does not, as we initially thought, represent the dying wishes of underprivileged garden vegetables, but rather distribute aid to needy and exploited children. Handily, many of these are actually situated in the same sweatshop where the group buys their trainers.

Read More:

Black Eyed Peas’ Police Trouble – Female First