The Black Eyed Peas announcement of their hiatus was one of the most beautiful sounds ever to hit the human ear. Scientists have recently revealed that the announcement overtook such sounds as Verdi’s La Traviata and Margaret Thatcher’s resignation speech as one of the most delightful sounds ever uttered.
That was until they decided they would eventually come back.
As if it wasn’t bad enough that the multi-million selling idiot’s lantern known as the Black Eyed Peas were going to go and work on their own projects (which would presumably mean Fergie is working on yet another Golden Shower fetish video), frontfool William or Will.I.Am as wankily insists on being called told Ellen DeGeneres that they would be back in good time.
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Have you noticed a trend in pop that sees artists sampling any old shit, rather than sourcing something that works right for a song? Eminem sampled Haddaway, Derulo used ‘Day-Oh (The Banana Boat Song)’ and Cher Lloyd unironically sang the tune from ‘Oh My Darling, Clementine’.
Who is to blame for this? The Black Eyed Peas, that’s who. Have you heard their use of ‘The Time Of My Life’? Crow-barred, lowest common denominating nonsense to provide modernity to familiarity, thereby, maximising sales and opportunities to get played at weddings and bar mitzvahs.
And now, having fully completed Operation Spoil Music For Everyone, they’re able to take a nice long break, knowing that their work is done. Seriously. They’re totally splitting up.
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Bands and gimmicks – who’d have thought that some artists use them as a fall back when we realise that the music they release is gash? Fake London type Pete Doherty has a hilarious heroin routine which sees him in constant bother with the local law enforcement. Elsewhere, X-Factor winner Leona Lewis continues in her quest to make a tin of paint seem more exciting than her personality.
So one band we can never work is American chumps The Black Eyed Peas. Fronted by a man whose mother has a terrible understanding of grammar, will.i.am and joined by Fergie, a woman who isn’t shy of urinating herself on-stage for either her own sick pleasure, or fans of golden showers. Grammar and whizzing your pants. Some gimmick!
Anogther trick used by the band is to employ the thinking that using choruses from other people’s songs and releasing them for thick people to buy. However, one of their songs will never be played again. You see, ‘My Humps’ has gotten into all-sorts of complicated legal mishaps.
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If the Black Eyed Peas brand of dreadful music wasn’t bad enough, they’re going to infect your games console by making a game for you to get furious with, leaving you kicking your controllers out of the window and throttling yourself with the plug flex.
That’s right! will.i.am, Fergie and the other two who don’t seem to do much will be prancing around in a game… but what will it be like?
Well, rumour has it that it’ll be one of those dreary things where you dance and singalonga to the monstrous hits they’ve made. However, if the developers are reading this, they should hear our ideas first because they’re miles better and guaranteed to make they game sell roughly a million less copies.
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Everyone loves Cheryl Cole – what with her shiny hair, impenetrable regional accent and fondness for morons.
She’s adorable. Cheryl Cole is so adorable, in fact, that the Black Eyed Peas are quickly falling under her spell. There have long been rumours that Will.I.Am and Cheryl Cole either had or are having some sort of romance, and now his bandmate Fergie has joined the party by admitting a crush on Cheryl too. Cheryl’s a lucky woman – what we wouldn’t give to be wooed by an occasionally incontinent bisexual former meth addict.
So that’s half of the Black Eyed Peas who now love Cheryl Cole. Maybe more – for all we know the other two could be in love with her as well. It’s hard to say for sure, though, because we don’t know how they feel. Or what their names are. Or what they look like, actually.
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No, not Fergie from the Black Eyed Peas. And not Sir Alex Ferguson. The other Fergie. The one who used to be famous.
Remember? Ginger? Unbearably posh? Briefly married to the least essential member of any royal family from any country at any point in human history? Remember her? Fergie? No? Oh well.
Anyway, this weekend Fergie was caught by a newspaper in a sting operation offering strangers access to her ex-husband Prince Andrew for half a million pounds. And now she’s sorry. She’s sorry for abusing her position of authority. Or she’s sorry for assuming that people would want to spend half a million pounds gaining access to Prince Andrew. Or for making everyone remember that she exists. Or, oh, something.
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Hey, remember that time that Josh Duhamel was accused of cheating on Fergie by boning a stripper?
Sure you do. It only happened a week ago. What? You’ve forgotten already, on the basis that Josh Duhamel is the dullest man who’s ever lived? You think that wasting even a drop of brainpower on someone as inherently dreary as Josh Duhamel is a criminal misuse of humanity’s potential? Yeah, us too, actually.
But tough, because the stripper who Josh Duhamel allegedly had his ferociously mundane way with isn’t letting go of her moment in the spotlight. She’s publicly apologised to Fergie for having sex with her husband, whatever his name is. We’ve forgotten already. That’s how boring he is.
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We know what you’re thinking – why would Josh Duhamel even think about cheating on Fergie with a stripper?
Well, let’s count the ways. First, both Josh Duhamel and Fergie are apart a lot. Then there’s the knowledge that he’d be having sex with someone statistically less likely to burst into My Humps during orgasm. And also, if you enjoy having sex with people with a fondness for crystal meth – like Fergie does – but you don’t enjoy hearing them bang on about it all the time – like Fergie does – then where do you go? That’s right, the strip club.
Nevertheless, Josh Duhamel says that he definitely didn’t have sex with a stripper, even though the stripper says he definitely did.
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