The Britney Spears/ Kevin Federline child custody case has been going on forever, mainly because most people agree that the kids would be better off being looked after by a pack of hungry bears than either of them.

But, although the custody case must be emotionally hard for both Britney Spears and Kevin Federline, it's only financially hard for Britney Spears because she's paying all the legal bills.

And now Britney Spears wants that to stop. Britney's lawyers have been in court trying to get Kevin Federline to hire a lawyer with his own funds, but Kevin's not scared. If Britney wins this legal fight then he'll just have to find the best lawyers that a scrunched-up $5 bill and half a packet of Funyuns will buy.

Kevin Federline is an idiot. There, we've said it. What do you mean you already knew? What do you mean that Kevin Federline's forays into the world of hip-hop and autobiographical biopic scriptwriting left you in no doubt of his unquestionable stupidity?

No, listen. Kevin Federline is an idiot. A gigantic plank. A gold-plated knicker-brained bell-end. All that other stuff is just window dressing. Kevin Federline – the man who got Britney Spears to pay his legal fees in their custody battle because he was so poor – was recently caught leaving a $2,000 tip for a $365 meal.

Britney's lawyers have found out about Kevin's gormless tipping practises, and it's safe to say they're not exactly thrilled. If Kevin Federline can throw down that sort of gratuity in a restaurant, they're saying, then he's obviously rich enough to pay for his own $600-an-hour lawyers. And, yes, this means even more dreary court appearances. Lucky old us. The Associated Press reports:

Phillips had asked for the hearing to challenge a move by Federline's lead lawyer, Mark Vincent Kaplan, to have Spears pay his legal bills. Commissioner Scott Gordon did not rule during the hearing, part of which was held behind closed doors. Superior Court spokesman Allan Parachini said the decision may be made Tuesday. During the hearing, Phillips said that Federline's lawyers have billed excessively and are entitled to only about $150,00 to $175,000. Phillips also said Federline has the money to pay his lawyers himself, citing excessive personal spending by him. "God bless!" Phillips said. "If he's willing to tip someone that much for serving him, he should be willing to pay his legal fees."

Kevin Federline will no doubt argue here that the discrepancy between his earnings and Britney Spears' earnings are more than enough to justify her paying both sides of the legal fees. Not only that, but if Britney Spears ever gets short of cash she can always sell those stalker-sent dildos of hers on eBay.

However, Britney's lawyers do have a point – does Kevin Federline really need a $600-per-hour legal team if he's not prepared to pay for them himself? The simple truth is that he doesn't. He really doesn't. Although fighting such a high-profile custody case usually requires a bunch of high-powered lawyers, let's not forget that Kevin Federline is fighting a custody battle against Britney Spears.

Honestly, Kevin Federline could have a homeless goat in a bowtie represent him in court and he'd still get to keep the kids. This is Britney Spears we're talking about, remember.

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Spears' Lawyer Fights K-Fed's Legal Fees - Associated Press 

Hey kids, don't bother trying hard at school; it turns out that the quickest way to financial success is to knock up a borderline-deluded superstar a couple of times – just ask Kevin Federline.

As we've told you every day since pretty much the dawn of man, Kevin Federline and Britney Spears are currently fighting for custody of their two children. If she didn't act so crazy, Britney would have been the obvious choice for custody because a) she's the mother, b) the father is Kevin Federline, a man who looks like he still needs to use children's safety scissors and c) she's loaded. Even though she does keep acting crazy, though, the last point still stands true. But if Britney Spears wanted to exploit that by riding the custody battle out until Kevin Federline runs out of money and gives up, she's in for a shock – Britney Spears has been ordered to pay for Kevin Federline's legal bills as well as her own.

It's never been in doubt that Britney Spears is a special mother. After all, it takes a certain calibre of person to call your children accidents in public, endanger their lives by driving with them perched on your lap and then have a full-scale head-shaving meltdown that sees you end up babbling about being the Antichrist in rehab. 

But just to reinforce that point, the judge presiding over the interminable custody fight between Britney Spears and Kevin Federline has ruled that Britney Spears now has to pay the legal bills for Kevin Federline as well as herself. And now that she's effectively funding the world's biggest negative publicity campaign against herself and paying hundreds of thousands of dollars to have her children torn from her forever, that has to make Britney Spears the specialest mother ever.

Because, as much of a loving father as Kevin Federline is, he's also a workshy sod and a hopeless rapper to boot. As court documents from last week show, it took all of last year for Kevin Federline to make what Britney Spears earns in a month. And that's a month of nothing but listless idleness too – now that Britney has an album out that figure could skyrocket. Meanwhile Kevin Federline has to live off the $3,000 he got in royalties from PopoZao, whatever money he's got left from that Super Bowl insurance advert and all the handouts he gets from Britney. How's a hustler supposed to piece together an effective legal strategy on a shoestring like that?

The short answer is that he isn't – now that it's become apparent that Kevin Federline can't afford his lawyers it's down to Britney Spears to cough up the outstanding $120,000. Commissioner Scott M. Gordon wrote in his ruling that:

"Even if a party has the ability to pay his or her own fees, a disparity in the parties' respective circumstances may itself demonstrate relative 'need.'"

But if Britney Spears is now paying to try and keep her children and paying for Kevin Federline to take her children away from her, doesn't she get any sort of say in the matter? If we were Britney Spears we'd only agree to pay Kevin Federline's legal bill so long as he promised to sack his current lawyer and instead employ someone who'd be less likely to paint Britney Spears as a terrible mother in court.

True, even a blind Albanian orphan with learning disabilities and no grasp of the American legal system whatsoever would have trouble painting Britney Spears as anything other than a terrible mother but, hey, it's probably still worth a shot anyway, right?