A few weeks ago you may remember that we featured a list of sexy old ladies that divided the readership somewhat.

So this week we’ve decided to be a little more conventional. We’ve picked a topic that everyone can get into – the sexiest movie milfs. You know, the yummy mummies who won’t let a little thing like children prevent them from exuding raw sexual power. Oh, just thinking about milfs gets us panting and howling like a 1950s cartoon wolf.

That’s why we thought we’d share our sexiest movie milfs with you. Be warned, this list is not just incredibly sexual but also comprehensive. Don’t bother arguing with it. We’re right…

10 – Sharon Stone, Casino

Sharon Stone has never been sexier than when she demonstrated her most erotic maternal instincts in Casino. We can barely even think of her, tying up her child through the ravages of a cocaine fug, without pawing at ourselves like some kind of disgusting adolescent monkey. Ring-a-ding-ding!

9 – Diane Ladd, Wild At Heart

We love it when a milf makes an effort – and that’s why the thought of Diane Ladd covered from head to toe in lipstick and vomiting into a toilet because she’d paid a man to kill her daughter’s boyfriend, gives us the horn like nothing else on Earth. Awooga!

8 – Shelly Duvall, The Shining

Oh yeah, you think she’s screaming now. Just wait until we’ve used our ‘axe’ to bust our way through her ‘wooden door’. Hubba hubba!

7 – Piper Laurie, Carrie

We wish we could menstruate, just so that Piper Laurie could bash us about with a Bible and then lock us in a cupboard. Yeah, we like it nasty-style!

6 – Anne Ramsey, Throw Momma From The Train

Yes, we know we included her in last week’s list, but there’s something about Anne Ramsey that just makes us so damn MOIST! Grr!

5 – Ruth Roman, The Baby

The heart of the milf fascination stem from a need to be looked after. And how could you possibly look after anyone any better than by repeatedly attacking them with a cattle prod and then locking them in the cupboard? Oh Ruth Roman, you’re our DREAM GIRL!

4 -Samantha Eggar – The Brood

We were thinking about putting Samantha Eggar at the top of this list, because she’s the only milf sexy enough to actually lick the blood off her own unborn foetus, but somehow we managed to find three milfs who are even sexier than her. God, but she’s sexy though.

3 – Faye Dunaway, Mommie Dearest

That wouldn’t be moisturiser all over her face after we were done with her. OH YEAH!

2 – The Queen, Aliens

We’d make her wet alright. Wet with ACID, baby!

1 – Virginia Gregg, Psycho

Everything you could possibly want from a milf. Well-dressed, interfering and unrecognisably decomposed. Oh Virginia Gregg, we’d like to hump you into dust.

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Sometimes people are capable of having so many terrible ideas that the end result winds up being quite good.

Hilary Duff and Faye Dunaway know that only too well. Between them, Hilary Duff and Faye Dunaway have had plenty of bad ideas – covering everything from Mommie Dearest to Aaron Carter – but now all their combined bad ideas seem to have looped past the point of infinity and returned as one brilliant idea.

And that idea is the public spat that Hilary Duff and Faye Dunaway have now found themselves involved in. It’s so inexplicably perfect that we want to cry.

So let’s start by listing all the bad ideas that led up to this point. The first bad idea came when someone decided that they’d remake Bonnie And Clyde starring Hilary Duff.

Now, this is obviously a bad idea because the original Bonnie And Clyde was a masterpiece of cinema that didn’t just usher in a new era of American moviemaking, but also inspired one of the world’s best ever songs.

Meanwhile, a Bonnie And Clyde movie starring Hilary Duff is legally obliged to feature either a song called I Love All My Special Friends or a new ending that involves Bonnie Parker, having learnt her lesson, riding a unicorn over a rainbow to the sound of Mmmbop by Hanson. Either way, it’s going to be awful.

The second bad idea was letting Faye Dunaway know that someone was remaking her film. You see, Faye Dunaway isn’t the effortlessly glamorous young star of Bonnie And Clyde any more – she’s a cranky old witch whose last major interview ended up with her hurling the journalist out in a blind rage.

Tell Faye Dunaway that Hilary Duff will be taking her part in a new Bonnie and Clyde film and you’re essentially reminding her of her own mortality. And that can only end in bitterness – and, if you’re lucky, a catty quote like this:

“Couldn’t they at least cast a real actress?”

Which brings us to our third bad idea – telling Hilary Duff that Faye Dunaway doesn’t think that she’s a real actress. Which is actually what happened yesterday, and E! Online was there to catch the bizarrely out of character reaction:

“I think that my fans that are going to go see the movie don’t even know who she is. I think it was a little unnecessary, but I might be mad if I looked like that now, too.”

And there we have it. Three genuinely hopeless ideas that have merged together and created the best idea of all – a rap-style beef between an embittered 68-year-old woman and a young girl who might still be a virgin. But just because we were never expecting Hilary Duff and Faye Dunaway to get involved in a public catfight, it doesn’t mean that we’re not going to enjoy every second of it.

But who’ll win? It’s not an argument that can be settled in a traditional way – like a ‘who can remember the most about the Cuban missile crisis’ competition or a side-by-side comparison to see whose genitals look least like a butcher’s offcut bucket – so there’s only one thing for it. A bikini wrestling match between Hilary Duff and Faye Dunaway in a paddling pool filled with jelly.

God, we’ve got to stop visiting those specialist websites.

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