Gay community – red rover red rover send Clay Aiken on over!

Because a woman is currently pregnant with his child. That’s right, we said a woman is currently pregnant with Clay Aiken’s baby – a female woman too, not the cheap kind with the snap-on lady parts.

Not only did he render a woman with-child using nothing but the powers of his magic mind, but it’s some 50-year-old woman too – one who mathematically speaking should have been barren at least 20 years ago. But why isn’t she barren? We don’t know – but we assume it has something to do with her rubbing stereo speakers all over her woo-woo while Measure of a Man plays on repeat in the cassette player.

And we want you all to know we’re serious about that too – Africa’s population is currently booming for that same Aiken woo-woo rubbing reason – it really works!

Clay Aiken is so nice he just helped an old lady immaculately conceive a miracle baby. What a guy! The child, we’re told, is to be referred to as the Chosen One, and will be raised in three Buddhist temples on a strict diet of locusts, honey & Slim Jims. That’s how they do it now days. Honestly, it’s getting so much easier to be a Buddhist.

Well we’re not too sure about any of that, actually – but some lady really is pregnant with Aiken’s seed this very second!

Now don’t get too upset gay community, because although by appearance some 50 year old woman is trying to steal one C. Aiken from your probably closeted ranks, he’s not going without a fight. You should all perk up a bit to learn that although Mr. Aiken has apparently dabbled in heterosexuality long enough to make an old lady pregnant, he did so without any direct penile-hag contact.

That’s because the child was conceived with the help of several doctors wearing blue rubber gloves, multi-colored medical masks and a petri dish made from the purest gold. TMZ reports:

“Multiple sources tell us the mother is Jaymes Foster, a record producer and Clay’s best friend. He lives at her home when he’s in L.A. We’re told 50-year-old Foster, who produced several Aiken CDs, is due in August. She’s the sister of record mogul David Foster. She divorced a few years back and has no kids. Aiken is 29. We’re told Foster was artificially inseminated. But Clay is a lot more than sperm — we’re told he will have an active role in raising the child.”

The child will be born in August, implying of course it’s well into the second trimester. This is important to note as the second trimester is when Clay started writing his Merry Christmas With Love album. Just in case, both pen and paper have been delicately inserted into the 50 year old woman’s most secret places on the off chance Aiken’s forming child thinks up anything super poetic and catchy.

And before any of you hooligans go mocking poor Clay for the whole petri dish thing, you should know we were conceived in one of those too. Our mother wanted a child that was part her, part tyrannosaur.

We’re told we scratched like heck coming out of the birth canal, and then ate Momma’s entire bottom half in the delivery room. Probably because we were so fragile and scared. Baby dinosaurs are easily spooked.

That’s just something to keep in mind if you come across one in the wild.