Proper news organisations have all sorts of grown up codes and practices. So imagine if they were having a slow news day and had to report on less important articles like Lee Ryan? We imagine that a piece about one of life’s biggest blips would go along the lines of saying; “Lee Ryan, bad boy of pop band Blue has been living up to his reputation of causing chaos on a night out on the town.”
But here at the hecklerspray hole, we know that Lee Ryan has never had a credible reputation as a popstar or as a hard man. A yoghurt that’s gone a day past its expiry date poses more of a threat.
However, our number one bruv has been in bother with the authorities before. A few years ago, he was fined £500 after attacking a taxi driver following a crash in Surrey. Maybe our Lee’s given up on singing and is now imitating superheroes by getting involved in brawls, but not saving anyone. This particular epic struggle took place at his birthday party in June.
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The Eurovision has been and gone, with an immediately forgettable song from Azerbaijan winning, leaving the controller of AzTV absolutely shitting his pants at the prospect of hosting one of the most prestigious shows in the calendar.
More forgettable that the winning song… which was called… uh… um… whatever it was, is ‘I Can’ by Blue which, in hindsight, should have been called ‘We Won’t’.
Of course, the collective egos in Blue won’t be able to process what happened on the night. They’re still wrapped in their little bubble that tells them that, if they hit a high note or two and flash some pectoral muscles, they’ll be met with unswerving praise, like they’ve just found the cure for every illness in history. Alas, they finished mid-table and are now filed under ‘flop’.
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When PR people tout their products to us, we’re often told that “it’s the film or album of the year,” this is quite a statement considering we get sent this claims every day of the year. However, we can categorically say that Lee Ryan of terrible manband Blue has given the quote of the year.
Bless poor Lee and his supermarket own brand socks. Out of all the members of Blue, he was meant to be the cute and adorable member. Sadly, he has an expression permanently glued to his face that resembles a rabbit that’s about to get squished by a lorry.
Lee’s job is to emit some high pitched squeals and yelps and do nothing more. Sadly, the cogs in his brain don’t quite turn properly and when he does speak his mind, utter drivel comes out. But we’ve got it all wrong according to Lee.
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Latter-day adherent to the Knights Code of Chivalry Lee Ryan has had yet another busy weekend making himself appear exactly as gash as everyone had long-ago decided he actually is.
When quizzed as to why he rarely visits his ‘love-child’ daughter, the permanently perplexed-looking poltroon replied with the justification:
“I already have a son.”
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Hey, good news for all you jobless, talentless, freeloading, seed spreading, fame whoring dads out there! You may have a chance to become father of the year. That’s right, you may be awarded such a title if you can claim at least one of the following qualifications:
1) The mother of your children likes to repeatedly declare she’s going to make a huge comeback in the world of pop music, y’all, only to repeatedly get even more drunk, more dishevelled, and more bad hair extensiony.
2) You don’t have to bribe bums on the street for a urine sample to pass the weekly court mandated drug tests to prove you’re not an unfit mother.
3) You’re Kevin Federline.
It’s lucky for Kevin Federline that he fits all three qualifications depressingly well, because that clinches him for the title of Father of the Year as granted by Details magazine.
Oh, Larry Birkhead was also at the top of the list, but we just don’t have the time to focus on him because we have to get our space blankets and water canisters together for the imminent coming of Armageddon.
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Hey, good news for all you jobless, talentless, freeloading, seed spreading, fame whoring dads out there! You may have a chance to become father of the year. That’s right, you may be awarded such a title if you can claim at least one of the following qualifications:
1) The mother of your children likes to repeatedly declare she’s going to make a huge comeback in the world of pop music, y’all, only to repeatedly get even more drunk, more dishevelled, and more bad hair extensiony.
2) You don’t have to bribe bums on the street for a urine sample to pass the weekly court mandated drug tests to prove you’re not an unfit mother.
3) You’re Kevin Federline.
It’s lucky for Kevin Federline that he fits all three qualifications depressingly well, because that clinches him for the title of Father of the Year as granted by Details magazine.
Oh, Larry Birkhead was also at the top of the list, but we just don’t have the time to focus on him because we have to get our space blankets and water canisters together for the imminent coming of Armageddon.
