Articles tagged with: father
Some Lady: Keanu Reeves Fathered My Kids And Won’t Add Me To His Bank Account
Some might think the hardest part about being Keanu Reeves is hair management. Those who think this are right. Others think the hardest part about being him is that he's so fertile he can't help but impregnate everything he touches - including houses, plants and that sticky brown stuff in the bottom of your fridge. With that in mind it becomes slightly easier to believe a woman who claims Keanu fathered all four of her children from deep inside a late night TV showing of the original Speed movie. That's not an exact quote, mind you, but it's in the ballpark.
Some might think the hardest part about being Keanu Reeves is hair management. Those who think this are right. Others think the hardest part about being him is that he's so fertile he can't help but impregnate everything he touches - including houses, plants and that sticky brown stuff in the bottom of your fridge. With that in mind it becomes slightly easier to believe a woman who claims Keanu fathered all four of her children from deep inside a late night TV showing of the original Speed movie. That's not an exact quote, mind you, but it's in the ballpark.
Young Slumdog Millionaire Actress Is Not For Sale (Anymore?)
Slumdog Millionaire was such a hit that everybody associated with it now earns an extra 17 zeros on the end of any paycheck they ever receive. Seriously - everyone's box office value has increased exponentially. Also their value in the black market slave trade slightly increased too. That's why when some potential daughter-buyers recently offered the father of Rubina Ali Qureshi $300,000 for his now somewhat famous daughter, he cut off a lock of Ali's hair for his wife's memory book and wished the child well in her new life cruising Nile river-ports. Or something along those lines.
Slumdog Millionaire was such a hit that everybody associated with it now earns an extra 17 zeros on the end of any paycheck they ever receive. Seriously - everyone's box office value has increased exponentially. Also their value in the black market slave trade slightly increased too. That's why when some potential daughter-buyers recently offered the father of Rubina Ali Qureshi $300,000 for his now somewhat famous daughter, he cut off a lock of Ali's hair for his wife's memory book and wished the child well in her new life cruising Nile river-ports. Or something along those lines.
David Spade Did It With A Lady Until A Baby Popped Out
It must be the season for unexpected pregnancies. First little Bristol Palin let a cartoon redneck knock her up, and now this - something far far worse. David Spade has become a father. Accidentally. According to reports, David Spade had a brief relationship with a Playboy Playmate called Jillian Grace not so long ago and he accidentally got a baby wedged up there or something and now it's fallen out of her. We're not sure how the whole pregnancy thing works, to be honest. Why's that worse than Bristol Palin's pregnancy? Simple - Bristol Palin can look the world in the eye and tell everyone that the father of her child is a rugged, athletic 18-year-old brute at the peak of his sexual condition. But Jillian Grace? Every time she looks at her new baby it's just going to be a tragic reminder that she let David Spade stick it up her a couple of times once, the poor woman.
It must be the season for unexpected pregnancies. First little Bristol Palin let a cartoon redneck knock her up, and now this - something far far worse. David Spade has become a father. Accidentally. According to reports, David Spade had a brief relationship with a Playboy Playmate called Jillian Grace not so long ago and he accidentally got a baby wedged up there or something and now it's fallen out of her. We're not sure how the whole pregnancy thing works, to be honest. Why's that worse than Bristol Palin's pregnancy? Simple - Bristol Palin can look the world in the eye and tell everyone that the father of her child is a rugged, athletic 18-year-old brute at the peak of his sexual condition. But Jillian Grace? Every time she looks at her new baby it's just going to be a tragic reminder that she let David Spade stick it up her a couple of times once, the poor woman.
Old Lady Pushes Out Baby Made With Clay Aiken’s Chromosomal Input
Somewhere - recently - in a dark corner of a hospital, new life was given. It sprang forth from its mother's womb. Taking a first invigorating breath, it leapt off the table - and then just stood there taking everything in. It thought of the struggle it had just endured to fight its way out of his mother's colon, and it thought of the struggles yet to come. But mostly it was just glad its mamma's smaller intestine could no longer coil around it all snake-like. You ever had a poo-filled serpent put the squeeze on you? It's unpleasant to say the least. Maybe that's why Clay Aiken's baby wanted out so bad - and it did! That's right, Clay Aiken is a father. His child was born, and unless some sort of crazy time machine causes him to get sucked back up somebody's freshly stretched woo-woo, he's here to stay.
Somewhere - recently - in a dark corner of a hospital, new life was given. It sprang forth from its mother's womb. Taking a first invigorating breath, it leapt off the table - and then just stood there taking everything in. It thought of the struggle it had just endured to fight its way out of his mother's colon, and it thought of the struggles yet to come. But mostly it was just glad its mamma's smaller intestine could no longer coil around it all snake-like. You ever had a poo-filled serpent put the squeeze on you? It's unpleasant to say the least. Maybe that's why Clay Aiken's baby wanted out so bad - and it did! That's right, Clay Aiken is a father. His child was born, and unless some sort of crazy time machine causes him to get sucked back up somebody's freshly stretched woo-woo, he's here to stay.
Lindsay Lohan’s Dad: “Lindsay’s A Lesbian Now? Cool”
Now that Lindsay Lohan's had her tongue surgically grafted to the inside of Samantha Ronson's ear, nobody seems too sure about how much of a lesbian she is. But if anyone's going to know all the intimate details of Lindsay Lohan's new sapphic endeavours, it's bound to be Michael Lohan - Lindsay's born-again christian ex-convict of an absentee father. So tell us, Michael Lohan - is Lindsay Lohan a gigantic lesbian these days, or is she still big on penis? What's that? You originally said that Lindsay Lohan was a lesbian, but now you're backtracking furiously because you secretly suspect that your big mouth is widening the gulf between you and your daughter and you're trying to be as nondescript as possible to cover for the fact that Lindsay Lohan never tells you anything because you're yet to regain her trust despite several attempts on your part? Why, that doesn't help at all. Sheesh.
Now that Lindsay Lohan's had her tongue surgically grafted to the inside of Samantha Ronson's ear, nobody seems too sure about how much of a lesbian she is. But if anyone's going to know all the intimate details of Lindsay Lohan's new sapphic endeavours, it's bound to be Michael Lohan - Lindsay's born-again christian ex-convict of an absentee father. So tell us, Michael Lohan - is Lindsay Lohan a gigantic lesbian these days, or is she still big on penis? What's that? You originally said that Lindsay Lohan was a lesbian, but now you're backtracking furiously because you secretly suspect that your big mouth is widening the gulf between you and your daughter and you're trying to be as nondescript as possible to cover for the fact that Lindsay Lohan never tells you anything because you're yet to regain her trust despite several attempts on your part? Why, that doesn't help at all. Sheesh.
Amy Winehouse’s Dad Wants Her Locked Up In A Mental Home
Mitch Winehouse, father of beehived bandit Amy, has told the News of the World that he wants his daughter to be sectioned. Just yesterday there were reports that Amy didn’t want her husband to come out of jail. What is it about this family that makes them want to incarcerate their closest relatives so much? Love? And by ‘mental’ home, we don’t mean it in the modern-youthful sense of the word (i.e. a ‘wicked-fun time’) as if the hospice was run by clowns who could heal patient’s injuries with heavy doses of laughter. We mean it in the traditional sense; the Syd Barrett sense; the Jon Bon Jovi sense.
Mitch Winehouse, father of beehived bandit Amy, has told the News of the World that he wants his daughter to be sectioned. Just yesterday there were reports that Amy didn’t want her husband to come out of jail. What is it about this family that makes them want to incarcerate their closest relatives so much? Love? And by ‘mental’ home, we don’t mean it in the modern-youthful sense of the word (i.e. a ‘wicked-fun time’) as if the hospice was run by clowns who could heal patient’s injuries with heavy doses of laughter. We mean it in the traditional sense; the Syd Barrett sense; the Jon Bon Jovi sense.
Cameron Diaz Loses Father & Boyfriend In Same Week
It has been a truly rubbish week for Cameron Diaz. First her father Emilio dies suddenly of pneumonia at 58 years young - a truly traumatic experience that no daughter should have to go through. It’s in times like these we turn to the ones that love us the most for support; our family; our friends; our dashingly handsome Glaswegian boyfriend called Gerard Butler. Oh, no, wait - screw that last one, because it turns out he’s left her to mourn here alone. And as we cry away a river of pain, the uncaring media report sightings of him publicly tonguing some Z-list TV celebrity. Fucking men!
It has been a truly rubbish week for Cameron Diaz. First her father Emilio dies suddenly of pneumonia at 58 years young - a truly traumatic experience that no daughter should have to go through. It’s in times like these we turn to the ones that love us the most for support; our family; our friends; our dashingly handsome Glaswegian boyfriend called Gerard Butler. Oh, no, wait - screw that last one, because it turns out he’s left her to mourn here alone. And as we cry away a river of pain, the uncaring media report sightings of him publicly tonguing some Z-list TV celebrity. Fucking men!
Lindsay Lohan: ‘Daddy, Please Shut The Hell Up’
Lindsay Lohan’s tether has finally snapped and - thank almighty Christ - this time we aren’t talking about the tether which battles in vain each day to keep her knickers together. This is largely because hecklerspray, essentially, is a ‘news’ source; something which reports events that have at least a hint of ‘new’ about them; if we were talking about that particular tether ‘finally’ snapping you could get us on the Trades Description Act. Nope, this time the tether of Lindsay’s to which we refer is the one which has hitherto held the explosive rage she feels toward her father far back in the constraints of her mind.
Lindsay Lohan’s tether has finally snapped and - thank almighty Christ - this time we aren’t talking about the tether which battles in vain each day to keep her knickers together. This is largely because hecklerspray, essentially, is a ‘news’ source; something which reports events that have at least a hint of ‘new’ about them; if we were talking about that particular tether ‘finally’ snapping you could get us on the Trades Description Act. Nope, this time the tether of Lindsay’s to which we refer is the one which has hitherto held the explosive rage she feels toward her father far back in the constraints of her mind.
