People have all sorts of warped ideas about what constitutes ‘sexy.’ Simply type a few random words into Google alongside the word ‘porn’ and you’re quite likely to find a result. Is anyone up for some hot and steamy ‘Pesticide Snorkelling Orgy’ action? Anyone? Okay…

Even we know that sordid fantasies are usually kept locked away in peoples’ sick imaginations. In reality, the common person needs something realistic to go weak at the knees over. For the majority of men, the briefest flash of a female boob will send their shrivelled members into arousal overdrive.

However, girls look for more than a gawp at the genitals of someone they fancy. Females from the comical Team Breezy gang seem slobber instantly when Chris Brown’s name is mentioned. Perhaps they all have a fetish for a domestic abuser. According to fellow rapper Fat Joe, Team Breezy couldn’t get enough of his fists at a recent video shoot.

You’d be forgiven for thinking that Chris Brown is the lowest of the low when it comes to humankind due to him using Rihanna’s face as a punch bag when the couple were together but because commercial rap and R&B foregoes morality in place of looks, body ink and how many cars you can fit in a garage, it’s been easy for Brown to restore his fanbase.

With a smile, a wink and a flick of his fists, girls have been swooning all over the place. Just like they’ve been given a left hook off the squirt himself.

When famous people fall from grace, they usually look at whoring themselves out to random products so they can make some cash. Sometimes it can work, just look at George Foreman and his Lean Mean Fat Reducing Grilling Machine (other expensive toastie makers are available). A brief history lesson for those of you who have never heard of Mr Foreman, he was a boxer who used his fists for competitive sport, not for hitting women.

Let’s run that through again: top athlete & sportsman… convicted felon.

With a name like Fat Joe, which sounds like a New York Pizza Establishment (“Ey! Come to Fat Joe’s. He’ll sort you out with a Calzone. Best in the city!). Although the image of a dough chef named Fat Joe amuses us, he’s just another of those rapper types who hasn’t really done much since he grabbed our attention in 2002 with single ‘What’s Love’ that featured Ashanti – someone else who’s seemingly done a disappearing act.

If Fat Joe thinks the influence of Chris ‘Slugger’ Brown will help him, then he’s wrong. At best, Chris Brown will pass on beauty tips like “how to look like a buck toothed muppet that was kicked around a workshop by an irate Jim Henson”. Speaking on the set of a video that we’re not going to bother mentioning, Fat Joe said:

“You know, that guy, he’s like the ‘guy Beyoncé’. This guy takes his shirt off – I played it for a couple of chicks before we released it and they just start goin’ crazy and buggin’ out like, ‘Oh my God, yo’. You know, he’s a sex symbol.”

Remember everyone, Beyoncé now has a bit of a tummy scar and was temporarily covered in blood and might have a few stitches for a while but she’s still possibly the most attractive woman on earth. Chris has some serious thigh work to do before he can claim to come close.

Frankly, we’d happily volunteer to rub our body parts in glass covered nettles if it meant that Chris Brown couldn’t put imagine of his penis on the internet again. ONE IS ENOUGH!

US rapper Fat Joe, named so because he’s fat and called Joe, has insinuated that 50 Cent, named so because Curtis is a girl's name, is a little yellow-bellied attention-seeking agoraphobic chicken boy who he hates and yet – despite everything – is publicly willing to admit he’d like to make love with him.

Morbidly obese Joe told Complex:

“He got shot by people who he knows and he doesn't do nothing about it. He gets criticised by people like Ja Rule, little Ja Rule, and he never even fought him one on one. He's going to come fuck with Fat Joe? Are you serious? He still don't leave his house. He's looking for attention, I'm gonna diss him.”

Up to this point it all seems like your run-of-the-mill, faux-gangster, PR-exercising threat, but then – all of a sudden – in a bizarre twist of affairs that just goes to show the complex nature of human sexuality, rotund gangster Joe said:

“I'm gonna tell him to suck my dick, everything you can think.”

Say what you want about Joe but, with demands like that, homophobic he ain't. Which, it has to be said, is a refreshingly liberal attitude to see coming from the rap game these days, even if his vernacular is somewhat crass. Cranking up the crass to eleven, he furthered:

"I'm gonna tell him that. What does he want out of me? He's gonna tell me, 'Oh, Fat Joe, you're a sucka', and I'm gonna be like, 'Suck my dick you punk ass motherfucker."

He’s a poet and the motherfucker aint even knowin’ it. Well, he probably knows it a bit.

The two of them first clashed when 50 Cent included a puppet of Fat Joe getting beaten up in his Piggy Bank music video. 50 Cent reignited the mard in January when he told US TV show Rap City that he wanted to eliminate Joe from the 'rap game'.

The felatio request is a bold move by Joe, and the ears of the world are poised for 50 Cent’s response.

Go on Fiddy – open up your horizons. Give head or die tryin’.

Read more:

Fat Joe labels 50 Cent a 'coward' - Monsters And Critics