Jessica Simpson may have been mercilessly teased about her weight gain, but she knows what’s important.

Cakes. Cakes are important to Jessica Simpson. And Big Macs. And, more relevantly to this story, fans. All through Dumpygate, Jessica Simpson’s fans have been right there for her. And last night Jessica thanked her fans by performing a concert, where she told them that sometimes people wrongly focus on pointless things.

And since nobody would have heard of Jessica Simpson were it not for that awful TV show about her inherent lack of marital intelligence, we’re taking her as an expert on pointlessness.

It’s hard to try and second guess what Jessica Simpson is feeling at the moment. On one hand, websites and magazines and TV shows are gunning for her thanks to those photos of her looking like a lardy old fatsack on Sunday, and that can’t be very nice. On the other hand, people actually remember that Jessica Simpson exists. That hasn’t really happened for about 18 months.

In fact, we’re going to go with the latter. Jessica Simpson must be thrilled that she’s in the news again. Seriously. All she had to do was shotgun gravy through a bottlebong until she turned into a great big greedy gravity-hog, and all of a sudden Jessica Simpson’s back in the big league again.

It’s perfect, too, because a) Jessica Simpson is hardly gigantic by any means, b) hoards of celebrities are leaping to her defence and c) Jessica Simpson concerts now come under roughly the same level of media scrutiny as presidential inaugurations, raising the status of her mid-song banter from ‘dreary time-filler’ to ‘the sort of shit that someone should carve into a stone tablet’.

Which is just as well, because last night in Charlottesville, Va, Jessica Simpson punctuated her concert with some deeply profound words, as OK reports:

“In our world today, we focus on so many other things that are completely pointless. I wanted to tell the world we need to put our hands together and pray out loud.” After performing her song, “Still Beautiful,” the 28-year-old told the crowd at the arena to remember the song’s last line: “Even when I’m sad, every day I have is still beautiful. Please remember that, no matter what you go through in life,” she implored.

Now, it sounds as if Jessica Simpson is doing her best to stay positive in the wake of negative media reaction by writing off all the discussion of her weight gain as ‘pointless’. But in actual fact the precise opposite is true.

In actual fact, all this media attention has gone right to Jessica Simpson’s head to the extent that she now regards every piece of news that isn’t explicitly about her to be pointless. In her mind, everything – the recession, the problems in the Middle East, all that stuff about Blagojevich – pales into insignificance against the fact that Jessica Simpson has got a massive arse and her face seems to have mysteriously got three inches wider.

And rightly so. She’s a wise one, that Jessica Simpson. Like Buddha, or one of those other fat gods.

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Jessica Simpson sang These Boots Were Made For Walking, even though This Mouth Was Made For Gorging is probably more accurate.

Or, you know, These Thighs Were Made For Crushing Cars. Or something. Basically, Jessica Simpson has got a little bit fat, and everyone’s talking about it.

Thanks to a couple of unflattering pictures taken last weekend, people now refer to Jessica Simpson as Heifer-ca Simpson, Jessica Not-Thinson or Jessica Simpsonofabitchyougotfat. Or maybe we made those up. We’re not telling.

Anyway, now Kim Kardashian has said that Jessica Simpson looks ‘hot’. That’s because she’s insulated by fat, you insensitive bitch.

We know as well as anyone that people tend to pack on a few extra pounds over Christmas. That’s normal. But not Jessica Simpson. Jessica Simpson doesn’t look like she overate a little at Christmas. Jessica Simpson looks like she’s actually eaten the entire concept of Christmas, and that she’ll give Easter a running start before she makes a lunge for that as well.

OK, that’s a little unfair. In truth, Jessica Simpson was photographed performing at a show in Florida on Sunday looking slightly bulkier than usual. True, she did decide to wear a pair of jeans so unflattering that it made her arse look like two vacuum-packed planets having it off, but it really wasn’t as bad as everyone’s making out.

Nevertheless, reaction to Jessica Simpson’s rotund new look has been two-pronged. Obviously there are those who delight in chortling at Jessica Simpson’s portly new frame – but there are also those who have been quick to defend her. We’ve read countless messageboard comments saying that Jessica Simpson is just being a traditional southern girl – somehow insinuating that her centre of gravity has settled on her buttocks because she’s closer to the equator than most people – while Jessica’s sister Ashlee Simpson has said she’s ‘disgusted’ by all the public interest in Jessica’s tummy.

And now Kim Kardashian has waded into the Jessica Simpson fray as well. No, we don’t know why either. People reports:

“Call me crazy, but when I saw the picture, I was like, ‘Oh my God, Jessica looks hot!’ I actually love the outfit. I think she looks amazing. I love high-waisted jeans, I loved that belt, and her hair looked fabulous. I get that she does look curvier, but to me, there’s nothing wrong it.”

Good for Kim Kardashian for elbowing her way into a debate that she wasn’t invited to. But Jessica Simpson should be careful – it sounds very much to us like Kim Kardashian is trying to indoctrinate Jessica into her new weight-loss plan: Shag Yourself Thin On The Internet With Kim Kardashian.

As for us? Well, we can totally understand the weight-gain – recently Jessica Simpson decided to go country, and porking out a little bit is just keeping with the conventions of the genre. Although why Jessica chose increased bodyfat is beyond us, especially when she could have slotted in with the country set just as easily by growing a beard or subjecting herself to years of ritualised domestic abuse. You know, something less offensive.

Of course, we’re joking. Everyone knows that Jessica Simpson only put on a bit of weight to stop her dad perving over her tits all the time. You’d do the same in her position.

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