Thanks to half of America turning its internet black yesterday, it was an excellent time to bury bad news. Likewise, it was an awful time because celebrities were saying stupid things and we missed them. Such as? How about Mark Wahlberg saying that he could’ve single-handedly stopped 9/11 from happening?

Today, Marky Mark has apologised about saying something stupid about America’s sacred cow, which they intend to guilt-trip everyone about until they finally blow the Earth to pieces.

So what did he say?

Wahlberg asserted that he would have stopped terrorists from flying a perfectly nice plane into New York’s World Trade Center on Sept. 11 if he had been on it.

In an interview with Men’s Fitness, he said:

“If I was on that plane with my kids, it wouldn’t have went down like it did. There would have been a lot of blood in that first-class cabin and then me saying, ‘OK, we’re going to land somewhere safely, don’t worry.’”

Get that? If you were on that plane and are now reading this as a ghost, then you suck. Mark Wahlberg doesn’t suck. He would’ve roundhouse kicked the terrorists until their heads came clean off. He wouldn’t just sit their, munching peanuts and drinking gin from a small tin can.

We assume that’s what he meant, right? It certainly looks like he’s saying that those who perished on that infamous flight didn’t do enough to stop it from happening.

Wait. He’s apologised hasn’t he?

Wahlberg is now saying that his speculation was:

“ridiculous to begin with.” And that to suggest he “would have done anything differently than the passengers on that plane was irresponsible.”

Thank you Mark Wahlberg. Celebrities have been a bit too guarded recently, so we’re grateful that you let your mouth run-off without kicking your brain in.

Can you pass judgement on the American soldiers who took a leak on insurgent corpses now? That’d be sweet. Oh, and good luck with your burger bar. Maybe you could make a double-stack burger in tribute to the World Trade Centre by way of apology?

Once there was a time, when Mark Wahlberg was just some dumbass in jockey shorts. Then, somehow, we went and became a proper actor before giving Justin Bieber a wedgie. Whaddaguy! Right?

Well, now it seems that Marky Mark and his brothers are opening up a burger joint! How great is that?

Well, it ain’t so great because he’s forgotten one fundamental thing – we’re not idiots.

See, the Swiss Family Wahberg are opening a high-end burger joint which is called Wahlberger’s.

Of course, celebrities love opening restaurants, so this is no surprise. There’s a lot of interest in it too, with TV crews wanting to get in on the action with a potential reality series to boot.

According to E! News, he explained:

“Maybe I’ll be the Charlie’s Angels of reality TV. You’ll hear my voice. But obviously it’s something that we’d want to control in every aspect and produce and make sure that we were doing something really quality.”

Sheesh. Sounds like a riot, eh?

And the controlling misery doesn’t end there either. The burger place is going to be… *gulp*… healthy.

“As well as a health and wellness business that will help people first and foremost feel good, exercise, eat right and then look good…Eighty-five percent of the population doesn’t exercise and eat right, and you want to be able to push them in the direction of extending their lifespan and living healthy lives.”

Jesus Christ lad. Lighten up. No-one wants burgers unless they’re dripping in grease!

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Is Morrissey having a very public nervous breakdown? It certainly seems that way. See, at the moment, you can’t move for stories about him being wildly erratic and saying things which aren’t as considered as they once were.

Of course, The Mozfather has always been good for a quote and, indeed, regardless of the fact he has contributed to some of the most awful music ever cut to wax, he was always worth reading about.

However, these days he’s less a vinegary old tart with a razor sharp wit and more a bumbling idiot, dribbling out nonsense in a bid to get any sort of attention from the world. No, he’s not ordering security staff to strip-search the people of Middlesbrough for secreted meats, but comparing the savage killings in Norway to fast-food.

Basically, the former Smiths warbler has kicked up a large stink (almost as bad as vegetarian flatulence) after comparing the Norwegian massacre to the slaughter of animals for fast-food restaurant chains.

During a show in Warsaw, Moz allegedly said:

“We all live in a murderous world, as the events in Norway have shown, with 97 dead. Though that is nothing compared to what happens in McDonald’s and Kentucky Fried shit every day.”

This all comes on the back of a series of incredibly odd things (apparently) uttered by Morrissey. After stomping off stage in a huff because he could smell burgers, he also went and called Chinese people a “sub-species”.

He also once said:

“Killing a stag is like killing a child. What’s the difference?”

It really does seem like he’s in the throes of a nervous breakdown and, if we’re correct, this can only end in Mozza being found weeping in a square, naked and binge-eating raw meat while rubbing coagulated pig’s blood into his writhing torso while singing Baldhead Growler’s ‘Sausage’.

Can’t wait.

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Kanye West seems to be continuing in his quest to win at everything forever.

Not content with taking the world of music by storm, the world of blogging by monsoon, the world of being cool by tsunami and the world of producing by… drizzle… Kanye West is now moving on to the world of making people fat by feeding them fried patties of ground up cow-knees.

Not personally, of course – that would be surreal.

No, Kanye is merely opening ten Fatburger fast food joints around Chicago, rather than actually serving all who walk through their doors with his priceless smile and boundless arrogance. And a burger.

West’s company, KW Foods LLC, have picked up the rights to build the stores around the Chitown area, thus infecting countless local residents with great big wodges of fat to force down their gullets. A sound business move, we’re sure.

But why, aside from wanting to kill lots of people by making them fat, would Kanye West want to open ten fast food ‘restaurants’ (using the term as loosely as possible)?

Maybe it’s to get away from his music career and down to a more homely, normal job than he’s been used to over the last few years? At least working in a burger joint he wouldn’t be all that bothered were he to turn up to work eight hours late.

In fact, he’d just get sacked for that.

Yes – that’s clearly it. He’s tired of being in the limelight, tired of all the attention, all the ego boosts and all the times he pretends to be Jesus – Kanye West must certainly, definitely and absolutely be edging towards a career flipping burgers. Maybe.

After the success of Kanye’s The New Workout Plan it could be said that maybe he’s something of a hypocrite, opening stores that will sell fatty foods. But then, that song wasn’t a call to arms trying to make the world a thinner place, unfortunately, it was something of a piss take, meaning we’re stuck on that one.

Though it didn’t always work for him.

Nevertheless, Kanye’s quest to make people in Chicago (and some in Los Angeles) eat what is likely to be fried up floor scrapings will begin in September, when the first of his stores opens, adding to the 90+ Fatburger foodatoriums already spread around the US.

It is as of yet unconfirmed whether Kanye will be performing Evel Knievel-style stunts at the opening of the first store, though this time he’s far less likely to be sued for it. For not only did they end up being best buds forever, but Evel is also dead, meaning he probably doesn’t care too much about suing people any more.

We await Kanye West‘s Fatburger theme-o-rap with bated breath – one rhyme for the store’s name we can suggest: ‘twatmurder’. But hecklerspray has exclusive copyright on that now, so unluck-o.