We all love the Harry Potter don’t we? The books are the perfect way to get kids reading and introduces more morbid elements of death and orphans in a child-friendly manner. The films are great hangover fodder, and are one of the biggest British export since Katie Price’s vagina.

All the children on them look so happy to be acting with them don’t they? Look at those cherub faces. Not knowing what real life will hold for them after the films finish. We heard that the girl who played Pansy Parkinson is teetering on a total K-hole after taking a great big E through her eyes. They’ll be friends for life once they all have a whip round and throw an intervention for her.

We’re romantics at heart aren’t we?

Well, someone who they won’t be throwing an intervention for is Rupert Grint, who, according to Harry Potter Himself is a smelly git.

Daniel Radcliffe has taken a break from getting his penis out to publicly bitchslap his co-star while at the same time, blow so much smoke up Emma Watson’s vagina that she’s starting to resemble a wigwam when she walks.

“If I see him every six months or so, it’s a friendly ‘hello, how’s things with you’ but that’s about it. I’m just going to put it out there, Emma and I text all the time but Rupert and I never text each other, we never see each other.”

Remember when girls at school would freeze out one of the clique because she had a Polly Pocket duvet cover when everyone else was into My Little Pony? This is just the same. Grint doesn’t want to be a luvvy and whack his schlong out at every opportunity and thusly, has been froze out.

Or maybe it’s just because he’s meant to be a fat pothead now.

Apparently, only Radcliffe and Grint know what the problem is, but that doesn’t mean that we can’t speculate wildly about a complex threeway with Emma Watson that just got so heavy, even though they said that it wouldn’t.

This news will come as a shock to massive fans of homo-Harry Potter-fanfic, but we’ll be round in a few minutes to throw an intervention. Or maybe you could do us a favour and kill yourself now?

There’s a good girl.

Ever looked at Daniel Radcliffe’s face and thought to yourself: ‘That looks exactly like the kind of thing I’ve been after, especially regarding the absorbing of my faecal matter’. Well have you? If not, then you’re stupid.

Why?

Well, that’s because you can now completely and legally wipe your mucky hoon on Daniel Radcliffe’s face. Obviously, the Harry Potter star isn’t particularly thrilled about it, but that matters not because his world is about to become rather 2 Girls 1 Cup and there’s nothing he can do about it.

Naturally, this isn’t a call-to-arms, with us expressing our will for you, dear reader, to go and defecate on an actor’s face. Rather, Radcliffe has just found out that his Harry Potter face is going to be plastered over some toilet roll thanks to the lovely marketing bosses of the Potter franchise.

Daniel says:

“I have heard my face is on toilet paper, which is really not pleasant. But I haven’t seen it and I don’t know if that is much of a compliment. The guys from American Pie had their faces on condoms. I know you can get Barack Obama condoms, although they haven’t done that for us yet. I don’t think it would be appropriate.”

You’ll have to move to somewhere like Thailand or Vietnam to get the chance to wipe your hole on Daniel Radcliffe’s face, but anything goes over there doesn’t it?

Radders continued:

“I have nothing to do with the merchandising and marketing of the films. Any actor is involved in their performance but not that side of things. It is something you become a little blasé about to a degree because it was a job but I pinch myself and think that I have an amazing job.”

Shut up and let us shit on your face.

William Shatner – or, The Shat, as we like to call him -  is a fine, fine man. We say ‘fine’. We actually mean ‘like watching an endless loop of terrible car wrecks, limbs flying through the air’.

Right? Right.

The Shat is prone to opening his mouth and not thinking too much about what tumbles out. That’s why he’s so fun. And when he does think about it for a second, it usually translates into the most hilariously earnest acting you’ve ever seen. That doesn’t stop him from judging other people’s work. Hell no. Why would it? Now, he’s sticking the boot into Star Wars. It’s Star Wars versus Star Trek!

See, despite obvious evidence to the contrary – not that Bill Shatner would know, because he’s never seen Star Trek according to… well… himself – the daft ol’ sod who played Captain Kirk doesn’t think George Lucas’s six-film franchise is a patch on Star Trek.

He told The Sun:

“Star Trek had relationships and stories that involved humanity and philosophical questions. Star Wars was special effects.”

Yep. Star Trek definitely didn’t have any of those. You’ve seen those polystyrene rocks and lousy costumes they all wore, right?

And of course, Star Wars dealt with humanity (the lack of it in Darth Vader; the toil of the human soul in the face of inherent good/intrinsic evil  with Anakin; the cry of OH THE HUMANITY every time Jar Jar Binks appeared on-screen) and philosophy (Yoda – The end) while Star Trek… uuh… well… there was a lot of sitting around waiting for meteors to hit the ship.

But Shatto isn’t done there. He’s laying into Princess Leia, played by Carrie Fisher, adding:

“[She] can’t compare to the marvellous heroines we had on Star Trek.”

That’d be the marvellous heroines who Bill didn’t like talking too much. Nichelle Nichols (Uhura you you-hura) infamously gave The Shat a dressing down, kicking off with ‘Now let me tell you why I hate you‘ before telling him that, despite the few lines she had in the show, he would sometimes argue with the director that an Uhura dialog line was unnecessary.

To quote Nichols:

“Bill Shatner would crap on the last piece of pizza just so no-one else could enjoy it.”

So, aside from Star Trek fans and actors (Nichelle Nichols excepted, of course) all being wholly stupid and mental, Lucas doesn’t compare to Shatner in one field.

Roll VT…

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George Lucas has got everyone thinking about Star Wars again, what with him re-releasing it for the millionth time and, better yet, still tinkering around with it in a bid to utterly infuriate absolutely everyone who loves the films.

Well done George.

So while Lucas meddles, we fiddle. This means we started thinking about the hottest gals from the Star Wars films. When we kicked our measly brains into gear, it transpired that there aren’t too many girls in the Star Wars universe. So who with excite our spaceballs?

There’s a few lists knocking around looking at the fine ladies of the Star Wars universe, but to be honest, they’re all completely rubbish compared to this list.

That’s because we’ve got the nerve/complete lack of shame in fancying non-humans.

Yeah.

You heard.

There’s going to be alien folk in this list. It’s okay though. We’re not proper pervs because it’s only human women in costumes.

It’s not like fancying ET

…and the less said about that particular adult film the better… you’ve seen it too, right? Oh god, don’t go and search for it if not.

Seriously. Don’t.

Anyway, swiftly moving on, here’s our list of most smokin’ Star Wars babes. Start stroking your light sabres now.

Max Rebo Band Backing Dancers

Just imagine what these three gyrating knackpots could do for you after they’ve finished doing a turn for Max Rebo & Co. COR!

Queen Breha Antilles Organa

Regal women always get us hot under the collar. That’s why we flirt with Tories. They’re the dirtiest people on Earth. Christ knows how filthy an actual space queen is!

Oola

You remember Oola don’t you? She’s the one who works for Jabba and, if you’re well on the ball, you’ll know that one of her green boobies pops out of her costume in the film by accident. George Lucas has probably airbrushed that from history, but rest assured, you’ll be able to find it on the internet if you really want to see it.

Aayla Secura

She’s a Jedi fercryinoutloud. What more do you want?

Zam Wessell

Assassin shape-shifter (or something like that), Zam is good looking until you kill her. Then she turns into a horrible lizardy thing. What have we learned? Stay on her good side and don’t kill her.

Shaak Ti

Another Jedi Master. And look at her, all weird and smokin’ hot!

Stass Allie

Another fit Jedi Master. Sadly, her beauty was killed by the evil swine in the Clone Wars. Shame.

Twi’lek twins

These twins barely featured in the films, but were considered good-looking enough to appear on various promotional materials before Episode I came out. And yes, we fancy them even though they have weird ears and long fins of skin instead of a haircut.

Princess Leia

Leia at number 2?! Heresy! Especially given that Chewbacca totally fancies her as well, as the picture shows. Listen, sure she’s mean-ass with a gun and totally got off with Han Solo (the coolest man who ever lived who wasn’t a Beatle), but she’s just not as hot as…

Queen Amidala/Padme

Dribble dribble dribble dribble dribble dribble dribble dribble dribble dribble dribble dribble dribble dribble dribble dribble dribble dribble dribble dribble dribble dribble dribble dribble dribble dribble dribble dribble dribble dribble dribble dribble dribble dribble…

BONUS ROUND:

We have no idea who Dorme Parricida is, but we found her picture on some Star Wars wiki and… well… we rather like her.

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Star Wars, great as it is, is by no means perfect. There’s loads of mistakes in it which are really, quite unacceptable. How can you have a masterpiece with a Stormtrooper smacking his head against a beam?

And so, George Lucas is our saviour, here to iron out all these imperfections and make the film as good as it could be.

His latest move is to take a scene that’s bugged us for ages – the death of Emperor Palpatine – and make it vastly superior by getting Darth Vader to actually emote, rather than stand there like some useless work experience lump in a mobile phone shop.

Lucas has made many small improvements to the original Star Wars trilogy (and he’ll invariably do the same with episodes 1, 2 and 3 in the future also – hopefully ramping up Jar Jar Binks’ involvement to provide excellent comic relief from all that political rubbish).

Remember when he made Greedo shoot first? That was a vital change because, until that point, Han Solo looked like a bit of a racist. Sure, he can be a belligerent goon, but a cold-blooded racist murderer? No thanks.

And now, he’s added a little audio to the scene in Return of the Jedi where Darth Vader finally gets a heart and saves his son Luke from being killed by Palpatine.

This change will be seen in the upcoming Blu-ray collection of the films, and has Vader shouting “No! Noooo!” before he chucks the Emperor down a glowing shaft.

Lucas has also made the Ewoks blink, which is a blessing. Those horrible beady, lifeless eyes staring at you… brrr.

Of course, not everyone is happy with these improvements that Lucas is making. Comedian Paul Scheer wrote:

“If George Lucas continues to change Star Wars at this rate in the year 2028 it will just become Spaceballs.”

What’s wrong with Spaceballs? That’s great too! Fact is, George Lucas is making the changes to Star Wars that have always ruined it as a film. One day, he’ll get rid of all those segments which are wrong, leaving us with a pristine version of the greatest sci-fi franchise ever made.

Thanks George.

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Expressionless slab-faced lump of FAIL David Boreanaz – better known for playing ‘Angel’, the perplexing object of affection for Buffy the Vampire Slayer and little else unless you count that cop show that only your mother really likes (although you still have to find it for her on her EPG) – will no doubt be today celebrating his complete exoneration from charges of sexual harassment filed all the way back in July of last year.

If, by ‘complete exoneration’ you mean ‘he paid-off the complainant so she’d keep quiet’.

Or ‘settled out of court’ as they call it in that America.

Which of course is absolutely fine as all Boreanaz was really accused of was sending “inappropriate text messages”. If that’s a crime, all hecklerspray staff are looking at twenty years, County Time. (No, we don’t know what that means either.)

Oh and apparently, according to defendant Kristina Hagan, he tried to “kiss her and touch her breasts”.

Again, anyone outraged by this has never been to an office party. Ever.

And she has claimed that Boreanaz masturbated in front of her.

Which is where we draw the line, because that is disgusting. The staff here at hecklerspray are appalled by this. We never masturbate in front of anyone. We even cover the mirror in the bathroom with a towel so we can’t see ourselves doing it.

hecklerspray wishes the very best of luck to David ‘Forehead’ Boreanaz as he reportedly does his best to save his marriage to Jaime Bergman, and we suspect he will need it. We’ve googled her, decided she’s ‘fit’ and he’s now got some serious competition from deluded men and women in underpants who haven’t left the ‘spray house in days.

And after already admitting to having full sex with another woman without his wife’s knowledge, he’s probably got an up-hill struggle, what with as all this ‘feeling-up an intern and spaffing-off in front of her as well’ legal nonsense.

We suspect that not only has he much ‘sofa-time’ to contend with, there will also be endless opportunities for ‘personal self-discovery’ as he attempts to save his marriage, whilst reflecting upon the fact that attempting to fuck the girl at the studio who brings his coffee is a silly thing to do.

Which, by the way, he DEFINITELY DIDN’T DO.

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As any nostalgic 25 – 30 year old will tell you the mid-80s were a truly magical cinematic time for any kid to grow up in. In the wake of George Lucas’ original Star Wars trilogy, we were bombarded with a cluster of imaginative, mystical live-action fantasy adventure films, which eagerly promoted a genuine sense of mischievous fun and adventure.

Tales of typically normal excitable youngsters going on epic adventures that lifted the heart stirred the soul and haunted our dreams. But it was the palpable sense of adventure that really convinced, giving us youngsters an achievable sense of daydream adventure – long before the internet or Xbox-claimed adolescent imagination.  

Why the mid-80s? Give us another span of time where there was an equally audacious flux of films that dared to lift the lid on Pandora’s Box to capture our imagination and fiendishly tape into our most primal kiddie fears? So forget the CGI-bloated likes of Harry Potter, Golden Compass and the new Narnia adventures and let us divulge to you hecklerspray’s definitive Top 10 Cult Classic Fantasy Adventure Flicks from the Mid-80s…

1. The Goonies (1985)     

How could you possibly compile an ultimate mid 80s film tribute list without including this cult classic from Superman helmer Richard Donner? It’s the tale of a group of young suburbanites going on a (frankly ludicrous) adventure to thwart the council from demolishing their family homes by seeking hidden pirate treasure in booby-trapped underground lairs. But what makes it more believable is its incredibly gifted and likable young cast. Move over Harry Potter, these kids have charisma! With the likes of Mikey, Chunk, Mouth and Data on your team you won’t need magical powers to accomplish a distinguishing characteristic. And yes that’s No Country For Old Men’s Josh Brolin playing Mikey’s teenage brother! And who could forget The Fratellis? The archetypal kiddie movie bad guys, headed by super-bad ass (but sweet as pie in real life – if you believe the cast commentary) old trouper Anne Ramsey. And it’s got Spielberg on executive producing duties and a great cheesy but catchy Cyndi Lauper music video to go with it – what more could your young hearts ask for?        

2. Return To Oz (1985)     

We weren’t really fans of the original Wizard of Oz movie but when Fairuza Balk came waltzing along with her talking chicken Billina and C3PO-type robot companion Tik-Tok we were overwhelmed by the results. And it was fucking scary too! What with those sinister, sub-Starlight Express Wheelers skirting around, those crumbling and gruesome claymation monsters and that hideous witch Mombi, with her eerie glass cabinet selection of limitless heads. No annoying musical numbers, no cowardly lion or clumsy scarecrow, (well not until later on anyway), just a gothic nightmarish adventure with startling baroque imagery in a mysterious, distant land where you will find ham sandwiches hanging on trees and an old man modelling red slippers.    

3. Labyrinth (1986)     

In our opinion Oscar-winner Jennifer Connelly was never better than when she played the feisty 15-year-old babysitter Sarah in Jim Henson’s spellbinding adventure. David Bowie camps it up as the glamorous Goblin King, along with a slew of Henson’s imaginative puppeteer creations – and we don’t mind those catchy dance numbers either.       

4. Young Sherlock Holmes (1985)     

Anyone remember the haunting chanting of the Egyptian Rametep? The hallucinogenic stained-glass window knight that suddenly broke away from its frame to demonstrate the impressive power of early CGI? Or the opening shocker where a turkey dinner comes alive to attack its consumer? Well that’s all from this cult special effects Oscar-nominated Sherlock Holmes prequel adventure – which was subtitled (Indiana Jones style): The Pyramid of Fear. Dreamt up by early Harry Potter helmer Chris Columbus, (with Spielberg once again on producing duties), this was a notable highlight for the young cast of unknowns involved and proved a chilling sweeping and deadly adventure, a world away from the archetypal cosy Peter Cushing/Basil Rathbone movie outings.    

5. Explorers (1985)     

Explorers was the warmhearted tale of a trio of kiddie science geeks who – masterminded by computer whiz-kid River Phoenix, (debuting alongside a painfully young Ethan Hawke) – convert a junkyard carousel car into a floating capsule capable of travelling into outer space. Although looking more like a glorified wheelie bin than anything NASA would conceive the capsule is their gateway to adolescent freedom and they use it like any other teenage kids would use it: to travel the world, explore the universe and of course peep on girlies getting undressed.    

6. The Lost Boys (1987)     

“Sleep all day. Party all night. Never grow old. Never die. It’s fun to be a vampire” went the encouraging tagline to this impressionable coming-of-age puberty flick (masking as a vampire movie). The Lost Boys is about two teenage brothers who rub shoulders with a leather-clad clan of blood thirsty vampires following their relocation to a new town in sunny California. A sequel is currently in the works, (welcome back Corey Feldman as Edgar Frog), but the original still holds up today as an irreplaceable nostalgic horror fantasy adventure… and Kiefer Sutherland is still the cool kid you wanna be when your strange.    

7. Dark Crystal (1983)


Set in a dark and vast mystical world this is the penultimate moment when muppet maestros Jim Henson and Frank Oz ventured into the limitless realm of the feature film. It’s a testament to the sheer power of suspension of disbelief that we willingly surrender our soles to a land populated entirely by puppet creations, ranging from the grotesque eagle-like entities of the feared Skekses to the almost sickly sweet Gelfings. It’s not exactly ‘live-action’ but we like it.    

8. Flight of the Navigator (1986)     

This is the film that embraces the journey of a 12-year-old whizzkid who goes on a bombastic time-travelling adventure when he’s abducted by an alien space-capsule, piloted by a robot that looks bizarrely like your dentist’s examination lamp. But it’s a heck of a lot of fun even 20 years on! Hell, it’s even got a young Sarah Jessica Parker in it as an annoyingly friendly (when hasn’t she been annoying?) laboratory assistant.     

9. Highlander (1986)     

If you don’t get too distracted by Christopher Lambert’s dodgy Scottish vocals, or the ridiculously complex plot, then Highlander is still a thrilling adventure yarn to rival Flash Gordon. And just like that said sci-fi film it’s got a truly marvellous signature score by Queen. Fuck the sequels, reassert yourself with the masterly original.      

10. Repo Man (1984)     

Alex Cox’s superb science fiction film stars a young Emilio Estevez as Otto: a punk rocker who becomes the ultimate car repossession professional after helping to steal a wanted vehicle. The twist in the tale is that there’s some strange glowing object inside the boot of the car that’s got the attention of government agents and UFO enthusiasts alike. With classy support from veteran character actor Harry Dean Stanton this was the film that put the ‘punk’ into punk rocker. 

[story by Oliver Pfeiffer]