Palaeolithic megastar Madonna says she wonders what it would be like to be truly ‘loved’. By ‘truly loved’ she doesn’t mean by her legion of overly-loyal fans but by someone with something to lose.
The 53-year-old’s sudden interest in love and human emotion comes as she is marketing her new directorial outing ‘W.E.’ and is not in any way a cynical attempt to garner some headlines for a film that has flown pretty much under the radar up until now.
It’s very important to remember that. These are deep, meaningful emotions from a deep and meaningful woman.
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Justin Bieber talks directly to God. Justin Bieber also thinks that “rape happens for a reason” as well. That invariably means we shouldn’t trust a vowel that dribbles out of that tiny week-old mouth of his.
He’s Canadian too. They’re all like Americans without the whole ‘inventing rock ‘n’ roll’ thing.
Anyway, Justin Bieber likes talking to the ether and pretending that God talks back to him. Presumably God advised that Bieber got a tattoo on his leg of Jesus. Sadly, God didn’t tell him to go to a decent tattoo parlour and JB is left with an image of what appears to be the lead singer of Nickelback on his calf.
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If there’s one thing worse than a bad thing happening to a celebrity, it’s a bad thing happening to a non-celebrity that is in some way related to a celebrity. Take for example, the dreadful news that Justin Bieber’s grandparents are nearly dead.
You’ll be forgiven for thinking ‘all grandparents are nearly dead’, but you must remember that Bieber is a matter of hours old. So young is JB that his grandparents could justifiably be 23 years old or something.
No. They’re nearly dead because they’ve been in a car crash. This can only mean one thing…
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Spare a thought for Justin Bieber this Christmas won’t you? It’s not because he’s can’t reach high shelves and get to his presents early. Instead, he’s still got mentalist stalker Mariah Yeater claiming that he leaked some sperm inside of her and created a baby.
Instead of this matter being kept private due to its libel claim, it’s great to know that Mariah Yeater has become something of a minor celebrity out of the whole ordeal. With various magazine and TV interviews, the money Yeater received will probably be used to pay damages towards Bieber when the negative result comes back on the DNA test.
Even though there are more holes in Mariah Yeater’s story than a blind cowboy, she’s back again to protest how she’s the innocent victim in all of this. Tristyn , the stupidly named child in question will be able to tell all its classmates in the future that he has a mentalist for a mother. We should say ‘allegedly’ now. Allegedly at absolutely everything.
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Hey! Are you a big fan of Sean Kingston? Well, when you’ve finished taking a long, hard look at your depressing self and come to the realisation you don’t deserve the glorious ears bestowed upon your tasteless skull, there’s some news that may interest you!
Mr Sean Kingston of Popsville would like you, his clearly troubled fans, to pester him more.
That’s right! He’s requesting that, should you see him walkin’ down the street (we could turn this into a joke, playing off a lyric from a famous song, but you twunts wouldn’t get it because you spend all your time listening to Sean Kingston and other tween dross), you should totally stop him for a nice chat.
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Hey! Justin Bieber fans! Beliebers! Are you looking forward to Christmas? Are you? Have you been good this year? Are you hoping Father Christmas brings you Justin’s Christmas album to you on Christmas Day?
He won’t. He definitely won’t. Not a rat-in-an-arse’s chance kiddo!
That’s because Santa isn’t real. Yep. Big shock to us too. Who spoiled every Christmas, forever? Why, if it isn’t Bieber himself, who wants us all to know that the Yuletide period is one long sham. How appalling. Apparently, it’s all his stupid mother’s fault.
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It seems years ago Mariah Yeater made the unbelieble (!) claim that Justin Bieber had spaffed a viable sperm into her vulva resulting in a tiny little yodelling girl/boy-child growing in her womb when, to look at him, you couldn’t imagine he’d progressed as far as having sex with Lady Palm and her five inexperienced clammy sisters.
There’s been paternity tests and no-one’s known what to think until convicted criminal, current resident of the Big House, Mariah Yeater’s ex and beacon of truth Robert Powell (not that one) has revealed that actually HE is the father.
Yes really.
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Stalkers of genuinely interesting people who warrant obsessive behaviour were thought to be applauding the actions of Thomas Brodnicki last night, as the aforementioned botherer of Selena Gomez asked for permanent, legally-binding non-contact with a woman few people have actually heard of.
There had apparently been genuine fear amongst the terrifying community of medicated borderline-schizophrenics that their actions would be belittled if someone were to grab headlines for stalking somebody virtually-unknown.
Fortunately Thomas has recently requested that the temporary restraining order granted against him last year be extended indefinitely, presumably to prevent him from the further embarrassment of pestering someone non-famous as all his mental friends mock him with infra-red images of the inside of Angelina Jolie’s house and long-lens footage of Daniel Craig tea-bagging Rachel Weisz. We imagine.
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